Monday, October 15, 2007

The Cowboys? Nope. The Raiders? Nuh-uh. Not Them Either.

Well, that was the easiest call I ever made in my life. I can’t say it made me happy, though. I don’t hold any particular disdain for the Cowgirls, or Tony Romo for that matter. In fact, despite Adrian Peterson giving me a reason to have a bit more than just a passing interest in the Vikings’ games, I couldn’t care less if the Girls mowed down the entire field in the NFC.

You’ve heard of the NFC, right? That’s the division where teams like the Cardinals and the Buccaneers are currently considered heavy front-runners for postseason berths. And quite frankly, I absolutely despise the Patriots. And I don’t mean despise in the way I say I despise Kid Rock, but it’s really envy, cause the guy’s pretty homely and all his songs sound pretty similar but he still gets to bang models 3 and 4 at a time. I mean I despise them because their douchey fans give me no other option. Bostonians are frickin’ terrible. I never even met a Boston fan before the Patriots knocked off the mighty Rams in Super Bowl XXsomethingLIIV or whatever. At the time, there was much back patting and high-fiving and everyone was all, “Good for you, Bostonians! It couldn’t happen to a seemingly nicer group of fans.” The Patriots were the Little Giants or the Bad News Bears. Everbody likes to see David topple Goliath. Then David turned into a pompous Dickhead. Or at least his slobbering denizens did, and then the fucking Red Sox won the ALCS over the “Evil Empire” in dramatic fashion and you just knew it was only going to suck from there on out.

Now, everywhere you go you run into Tom Brady disciples and “Slightly less Evil Empire” enthusiasts. On Sundays they throw fits and demand to know why their beloved teams aren’t featured on the biggest loudest TV in the bar over the home team. These people even still manage to have the attitude that they are the “good guys” in sport, despite signing a malcontent like Randy Moss and being caught cheating during games, without a hint of irony. Now the Pats and Sox need their own David to knock them and their obnoxious throngs of swooning fanatics from their tower. Hopefully, the Rocks will handle the Sox, but who’s going to handle the Pats?

The sad fact of the matter is, they are just unbelievable right now. Who can take care of them? The Colts? Maybe. It’d be nice because we could all go back to the familiar territory of the pundits wondering whether the Colts could go undefeated, and we all know they can’t. If it’s not them, then it probably won’t happen in the regular season. The rest of their schedule is soft and their division is somehow even less competitive than the West. And this isn’t the old Patriots that let bad teams hang around until legging out 3 at the end of regulation for the win. This team is twisting the knife, leaving it in the corpse, using way more nails than a rational person would deem reasonable to seal the coffin, then setting it on fire, and chucking it off of a cliff into the deepest part of the ocean. I’m still holding out hope that our Bolts can right their ship and return the favor of an early playoff exit this postseason, but it certainly looks like our window of Super Bowl opportunity turned into a peephole over the off-season.

Speaking of our Bolts, I should probably say a few words about their effort yesterday. Offensively, we were like a reverse Oreo cookie, because the middle was kind of shitty, but the ends were super sweet. I don’t have to tell you that pick six by Rivers was one of the uglier passes I’ve seen in a while, though, and you hate to see him keep making those kinds of mistakes. Especially against an opponent that very well might only be able to hurt you in that exact way. The defense looked solid and hungry throughout most of the game and that was nice to see. When they gave it up a little late in the game, TBE and the offense turned it on again. It was nice to see the two units compliment and carry each other. After TBE’s 2006esque performance yesterday, maybe people will back off on the man for being a bit whiny the first month of the season. I mean, you’d be kind of bitchy too if you knew you could do that, but your coaches wouldn’t let you.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Denver and Oakland are bad teams and I am not counting any chickens, but we did beat them up pretty good, and that’s what good teams are supposed to do to bad teams. Those kinds of games can get a teams confidence up and make you sharp. Also, don’t be surprised to see that offense begin to run even more smoothly with the return of Eric Parker after the bye. Sure, he was among the most egregious goats of last years playoff loss, but it seems like people forget how much of a factor he was in the offense’s regular season success last year. Vincent Jackson has not been able to fill those shoes, and honestly probably shouldn’t be asked to. Parker is more of a possession guy like a Charlie Joiner was for the Chargers of old. We need Jackson to be more of a John Jefferson. Wes Chandler? Okay, Curtis Conway, maybe?

Anyway, the season starts anew at 3-3, and right now that feels pretty okay after our inauspicious beginning. Enjoy the dreaded bye. Go Bolts!!!

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