Saturday, October 23, 2010

Fuck Yeah! Football...!

Has it really been an entire week since the alleged footballing went down? It has? Sweet. Football! I can't fucking wait.

It's been an exciting week here in Boltland. Vinny Jack is back, and if we hadn't imposed that awesome fuck you three game suspension on him, he'd be eligible to play. However, he wouldn't play because if we hadn't suspended him, he wouldn't have reported until week 12 anyway because he only has to "play" in six games to accrue his "season" so that he can obtain his unrestricted status. Funny that Logan Mankins is in this same situation and he at the recommendation of the players union is planning on reporting as well, but since the Patriots brass aren't the golden cocksuckers we all thought they were, they didn't place him on the roster exempt list, hence no three game suspension, hence successful team making good decisions from the top down.

The paper here in town, or as I'll call it, "A.J.'s Bullshit Diatribe Bullhorn" continues to call V.J.'s suspension "NFL Imposed". Which "technically" true, the organization put him on the roster exempt list. That didn't need to occur. But then that wouldn't be A.J. being A.J. Go back and read his comments in the link Max posted about V.J. reporting and read his direct quotes with regard to his interactions with Jackson's agents. I know it's in print, but you can actually see A.J.'s raging hard on through the words for having stuck it to those guys. Way to go Godfather! You fucking rule! "I wanna hamburger, no I wanna cheezeburger, I wanna hot dog....". "YOU'LL GET NOTHING!!!"

And now we welcome those same Patriots to town. Everyone would like you to believe, and by everyone, I'm still referring to the media here as well as the Flat Bill Brigade Fanboys, that we're playing a home game and when we play at home we're fucking unstoppable! Now, I've actually sort of convinced myself I think, that we have a chance in this game. But, then I allow common sense to intervene and I think we've got a significant challenge on our hands. Dreamboat Modelfucking Quarterback has not one but two super possession receivers now in Wes Welker and Deion Branch, the black Wes Welker. These guys are quick and motivated and prepared to exploit our secondary. The same secondary that those around here who have been paying attention have been telling you were playing far above their heads when our defense was ranked statistically #1, against shit teams that we couldn't beat. Cason was faceraped by a rookie quarterback throwing to Bree Walker last week. You think that he's prepared to fare a bit better against Dreamboat Modelfucker and two pro-bowl caliber receivers? Bend the brim of your hat, take the sticker off it and stop wearing it cockeyed you dumb fuck.

While down 17-0 last week to the Lambs, Flat Brim Brigade behind me continued to exclaim, "You know how we do, bottom of the ninth, fourth quarter, we be there. We fine!". I shit you not, that's fucking verbatim. Bottom of the ninth, fourth quarter, we fine. Yep. First, and this is a side tangent that belongs in the defunct, "The Cut" post, but using baseball analogies in football is fucking stupid. And I love baseball. Why don't you just say, "In the fourth quarter the Bolts always make their hole in one!". Not to mention that the Padres, in the ninth inning, late in the season, shit their didies and missed the fucking playoffs. So, back to the "You know how we do." Yeah, I do know how we do. With three minutes left and knowing that Stephen Jackson was about to get all predator on our ass, we let him rush for about 40 yards on 5 carries, not using our timeouts on the front side of the two minute warning and never got the fucking ball back. The Rams were able to utilize "Victory Formation". The Rams. Victory Formation. Victory formation used to be the precursor for Victory shots for Max and I. Do you know how long it's been since we had victory shots? Peruse the archives and let me know because it's been fucking forever.

To top it off, Antonio Gates is out with a toe concussion. You know, the league really ought to see what it can do to prevent toe concussions. They are steadily ruining the game we've come to love so dearly in our hearts and is putting the long term health of our players feet in serious jeopardy. I haven't been posting links to Simmons much partially because I figure everyone reads him now anyway, but he's got this concussion thing on lock. I couldn't agree more. For the lazy in you, here's my favorite excerpt:

"I keep going back to the "bad parent" analogy and Roger Goodell, who's done a masterful job manipulating the mainstream media these past few years, benefitting mostly from the fact the previous regime was out of touch. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I think Goodell is a total hypocrite for pretending to care about the welfare of his players as he's pushing for an 18-game regular season that would lead to more injuries, more concussions, more collateral damage, more everything. Hey, Roger: If you cared about the welfare of the players, you'd shorten the season to 15 games and add another week of byes. Right? But hey, that would cost owners money. Instead, you'll continue to position yourself as the Sheriff of Player Safety, puff out your chest, crack down on hard hits and swagger around like you're Tim Olyphant in "Justified." Meanwhile, if the players' union doesn't agree to your 18-game schedule, we're headed for a lockout.

Oh, and you know what else is great? NFL owners recently threatened the union that, if the lockout goes into effect next March, the league wouldn't cover health care benefits for its players until a new collective bargaining agreement is in place. So Roger, you care about the welfare of DeSean Jackson in October, but not five months from now if he's paying for his own doctor's appointments because he's suffering from post-concussion syndrome? You're going to tell us that with a straight face?"

God Dammit. Goodell sounds just like the Godfather. I hope they both get anal raped by a freight train.

My boss is a Patriot fan from back east. He believes that this is a trap game for the Pats. He's pretty football saavy, Patriot fandom aside, but I don't see it. I want to see it, I want to believe we're going to give the Patsies a nut shot they won't forget but I just can't see that being properly executed. If, and only if,we avoid our gagtastic special teams play, "slow starts"(Oakland, St. Louis FUCK!), the offensive line can prevent Rivers from a linebacker gang bukkake party in our backfield, and we can minimize our dipshit moments of bad clock management, stupid penalties, and dropped passes (BUSTER! ARRRGHHH!) we'll have a chance. But then that pesky fourth quarter is going to come along and well, you know how we do.

Go Bolts. Breathe the optimism!

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