Break the Bank!

With these sure fire no-fail, barely redundant picks of the week. Check it, bitches!

Cleveland @ New Orleans
Cleveland is playing everybody tough and Drew Brees and the Saints have spent most of the first several weeks of the season in some sort of weird drunken stupor. Still, I'm too gutless to pick Hank McCowboy and the Browns in an upset. Browns 17, Saints 30

Pitt @ Miami
Is Miami good? I can't tell. I keep hearing they are good, but it seems impossible to know for sure. Maybe they're good, but the Steelers are probably the best team in the league right now, even if they are a bunch of fuckfaces, and Roethlissberger is only going to get better. And rapier. Steelers 34, Dolphins 13

DC @ Chicago
Not too long ago, I hard the hardest time convincing a San Diego football fan that the Skins were from DC and not outside of Seattle. That's how smart San Diego fans are. The Bears are terrible. Even San Diego fans know that. Skins 20, Bears 17

Cincy @ Atlanta
I haven't spelled Cincy's full name wrong yet this season and I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. They are Cincy from here on out. They will probably beat the Falcons, who are a lie, but I'm picking the dirty birds anyway because I hate money. Bengals 28, Falcons 30

Philly @ Tennessee
I have no idea if either of these teams is good. Kevin Kolb hates my fantasy team, so I'm picking the Titans. Seriously, fuck that ass hole. I hope he gets decapitated. Iggles 21, Titans 28

Frisco @ Carolina
Matt Moore is back for Carolina. i think that is enough of a boost to vault them over the Niners this week. And it's not really much of a boost at all, so what does that say about the Niners? It says they suck. 49ers 23, Panthers 24

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay
I guess I'm picking Tampa because they're at home and also because all Rams fans are fuckfaces who acted like fuckfaces during the game last week even though I've always been cool to them before. Well, they weren't that bad, but they were definitely smiling. Fucking fuckfaces. Rams 3, Bucs 50

Buffalo @ Baltimore
This hardly seems fair. How does this happen? Who's next for the Ravens? The Mission Bay Buccaneers? One day some team is going to show up to play Buffalo and there will be nothing there. Just an abandoned stadium. And people will tell stories of seeing random Buffalo players in Mexican leagues. Because they still loved the game, you know? Bills 9, Ravens 34

Jax @ KC
Trent Edwards came in and finished the game for the injured David Garrard last week. Edwards is white. Garrard is black. Nobody noticed the change. The Chiefs have lost two in a row and nobody can shut up about how good they are. That's the AFC West for you. Jags 14, Chiefs 21

Zona @ Seattle
I hope this is nationally televised. This nation deserves it. Cards 13, Hawks 14

Oakland @ Denver
You know who else were being a bunch of fuckfaces when the Rams beat the Chargers last week? Oakland fans, that's who. Eat a whole fucking bag of dick, you cocksuckers. Raiders 0, Broncos 1,000.

New England @ San Diego
Chargers fans are making fun of Tom Brady's hair this week. That's some good trash talk, morons. Local radio guys say we match up well in this game. Right. Half the team is injured, and the other half mostly would have problems getting absorbed by Buffalo. This will be Darren Sproles day! Pats 42, Bolts 20

Minnesota @ Green Bay
Brett Favre owns Green Bay and plays well when things in his personal life are in shambles. His wife is about to leave him over dick photos. He will pummel the decimated Packers and then he will probably retire. Vikings 34, Packers 23

New York VaGiants @ Dallas
The knife dost twisteth, while the Vagiants continue to play within their means. So long, Dallas! VaGiants 31, Cowboys 24

And that's it. Go football!!!