As Promised, Here's Your Picks

Even if you don't deserve them. I ended up with 5 wins last week, I think. I don't pick against the spread unless there is money involved, but I do give scores. So, if you love math, feel free to go back and figure how stupid I am. Anyway, that's a first to worst sort of swing in my pick'em pool, but you can bet (you probably shouldn't bet) that I'm coming back strong this week with the following sure thing, can't miss pick'em extravaganza!

Miami @ Green Bay
I don't know how many times or in how many different ways I have to tell you that Green Bay sucks. They were wildly overrated before their starting running back and Pro Bowl calibre tight end got broke. Miami doesn't thrill me either, but the media isn't trying to suck start them into greatness yet so they get the nod. Fins 27, Packers(?!) 23

San Diego @ St. Louis
San Diego? Never heard of them. Still my sources tell me that if they don't crush the Rams here, they might as well stay home and masturbate for the rest of the season. You know, get something out of it, anyway. Bolts 37, Rams(?!) 27

Baltimore @ New England
Belichek pulls the trigger early on another guy who is a pretty essential part of the system. Genius! A.J., inspired, sends Merriman packing but misses the point entirely by getting his favorite return. Nothing. I don't think I liked the Pats against Baltimore with Randy Moss, so I sure as hell ain't taking them without. Baltimore and Pittsburgh are the only good teams in football right now. Fuck the Jets. Ravens 30, Pats 17

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
Nobody can shut up about how horrible it is to have Colt McCoy make his first start against Pittsburgh, and I have to disagree. I think it's delightful. Colt McCoy. Half-assed job of child naming, if you ask me. Try Winchester McWhiskeyguzzler or Cowboy McSixgun. As it is, he deserves everything that's coming to him. Browns 0, Steelers 37

KC @ Houston
Alright, both of these teams need to just come out and be whatever it is they actually are. Maybe Dennis Green knows, because I have no fucking idea. Chiefs 16, Texans (gay) 34

Detroit @ NY VaGiants
It appears the Vagiants have remembered that they do not have a terrible pass rush and that if they don't try to force Eli Manning down everybody's throats they can still be a force to be reckoned with. Of course this is the week they dump to Detroit. I do not, however have the balls to call it. Lions 13, Vagiants 28

Atlanta @ Philly
I don't know why I can't get behind Philly with Kolb, but I can totally buy them behind a guy who spent two years out of football to go to prison. Is it because I hate dogs? I don't think that's true. And I don't know why I keep picking Atlanta, even though they kind of look like bullshit every week. Atlanta, to me, is another team that couldn't wait to throw the entire weight of the franchise on their young quarterback's shoulders when they don't even have to. He constantly looks ready to snap under the pressure and if anything ever happens to Roddy White, they will be doomed. Falcons 27, Iggles 24

Seattle @ Chicago
Herm Edwards, who is the fucking worst thing on television ever was on NFL Live yersterday and was throwing season record in everybody's faces and touting the Bears. To this I say that Herm might want to actually watch the games. Or drink battery acid. The Bears D is legit enough, but they will not overcome the offensive line's inability to stop Jay Cutler from making horrible mistakes or faking concussions. Still, Seattle is no hot shit either. Seahawks (fuck that fucking name) 17, Bears 21

NO @ Tampa Bay
Trap game! It's obvious from the first 5 weeks of the season that the Bucs should have this game in the bag against the woefully ill-equipped New Orleans Saints. Seriously, how long has it been since the Saints were relevant in this league? Still, don't be surprised if this upstart Drew Brees and his band of unknown wide receivers give the mighty Bucs a tough time of it this Sunday. Upset special!!! Saints 31, Bucs 20

NY Jets @ Denver
I hate the Jets. Even if I wish Rex Ryan was one of my crazy uncles, the Jets can eat a dick. And I think they lose to Denver. I think it's a match-up thing. One problem, though. Tomlinson. Good on you TBE for making Norv and AJ look as stupid as I think they are. The thing is, Tomlinson scores on Denver. He has always scored on Denver, and I have no doubt he always will. I will regret the following statement. Jets 27, Broncos 30

Oakland @ Frisco
Truly, I hope tidal wave wins this one. The Raiders are terrible. The Niners are terrible. These two teams are going to collide and terrible up the atmosphere for three hours Sunday. Someone is probably going to win. Raiders 17, Niners 20

Dallas @ Minnesota
The clash of the 1-3 teams and everybody is saying the loser can go home, but I'm going to tell you right here that this game decides nothing. There is so much terrible football going on that this game will not determine shit for playoff implications. Minnesota needs this one more than they needed the last one and Dallas has to prove they can stop beating themselves before I'll pick them again. Cowboys 28, Vikes 30

Indy @ Washington
Jesus Christ. How many games are there this week. Feels like over a dozen. Indy? It looks like they might finally be hitting a wall. DC? Classic overachievers. They've got heart. But I think Peyton will probably taking over coaching duties this week. Colts 34, Skins 20

Tennessee @ Jax
Really? Titans 37, Jags 13

Sorry, I kind of ran out of steam there at the end, but that Monday Nighter is going to be awful. Go football!!!