Tuesday, January 04, 2011

The Sum of All Tears...

So I'm sitting here watching the fucking Nokia, wait the Allstate Crack in the Sugar Bowl featuring Bumblefuck Ohio State and their typically moronic fans chanting O-H-I-O on this whatever the fuck night it is. Dipshits, we know how to spell Ohio, you really don't need to supplant your stupidity in my brain further treating this game like a fucking spelling bee for 4 year olds.

Why am I so enthralled by the Sugar Bowl you ask? I'm not. I couldn't care less. Though this child of Ironhead Heyward looks like he might be our answer to the pass rush issues we've had for the last handful of years. I'd be more insightful about the problems of our squad but Max has detailed them quite thoroughly and if I could find a cat to throw in the dryer for a laugh, believe me, it would have been done during the fourth quarter of the Bronco game. Should you need a reminder of how I'm currently feeling about this team, peruse the archives, I've written the "Season of Disappointment and Total Fucking Letdown Assholes" post for about five years now. This season is no different.

So, that being said, assuming the CBA gonorrhea gets cured by the inception of football next September, rest assured there will be no organizational changes. Well, Steve Crosby is gone and you know that will solve all our fucking problems. Blame the special teams coach! Well I'm not buying it, what if the new special teams coach is a crazy glue sniffer, build a model airplane he says! Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a million times.* What's our problem then you say? Not a totally uninteresting question.

As I'm a glutton for things that torture my soul worse than Eric Weddle, I tend to enjoy conversing about our shitty team. Needless to say I've been blogging my disappointment for the better part of five years, so why wouldn't I fill my free time bitching about something I have zero control over. The San Diego Super Chargers! Anyway, this conversation started out along the lines of:

Q: "I'd like to study why the Patriots continue to win all the time and the Chargers continue to disappoint?"

Simple Reactionary Answer: In a nutshell, we suck more than Faye Reagan (do not google that name at work or in front of your wife, girlfriend, or life partner. I'm not judging).

Longer More Thought Provoking Answer: I don't need a study to know the answer to this. The answer is simple. Much as many people would like to crucify Mike Vick for fighting some dogs, many more will harangue (not Aaron) Kellen Winslow Junior for likening football to war. And in the defense of war, while the Chargers have been "soldiering on" they couldn't defeat an army composed entirely of pussies made in France. But, football, and more specifically, well run organizations like the Patriots are somewhat of a military institution. No one player is bigger than the team. All players believe in the team mentality. They all buy in. The team is organized and expects the same from their players. They operate as a cohesive disciplined unit. The execute flawlessly on the field. They win. They study. They prepare. They execute. They win again. It's a simple model.

Our "organization" from the top aaaaalllll the way down does not resemble the successful organizations of our era. No, our organization is spectacularly reveling in ineptness. The head of the snake is a man that is admirable in his conviction, yet very flawed in execution. The same can be said for his hand picked coach. And well, the players make no secret of the fact they love him. He is an enabler that allows them only to run amok and behave like spoiled rich children on and off the field. He values the opinions of his players as a seventeen year old girl values facebook relationships and puts them above winning. He does not emphasize execution and discipline. Were he to do that, perhaps one, if not all of the following things would not have occurred on his watch:

*Bar fight at Stingeree
*Bar fight at Bar West
*Bar fight at Bar West that left one person in a coma
*Traveling on Christmas day arriving for must win game less than 24 hours before kickoff

There are a fuckitude of others but unless you are from Ohio you probably understand.

The Godfather and many others like to emulate the model the Patriots put forth. Anyone with a desire to succeed would find that to be an acceptable decision. However, when the flawed group you have assembled fails repeatedly, in the same fashion, over and over and over and over again, the responsibility lies with the brain. However, the Brain thinks you are an asshole for insinuating that he would make mistakes and insists that it's the special teams coaches and the players responsibility like a child stomping his foot on the floor when you tell him he'll get no fucking cookie. Who put the personnel and the players in the positions? Who ran players repeatedly out of town and replaced them with their hand picked "next man up". You cannot adopt only the asshole nature of the Patriots business model and expect to succeed. Being an asshole only gets you the general manager job, it does not guarantee it.

Again, assuming the Commish and the Union have a wonderful drunken tryst it will be fascinating to see how the squad morphs over the next nine months or so. Perhaps we'll shelve the ego and establish ourselves a new culture. Perhaps not. Perhaps we'll get yet version 5.0 of failure. Who knows?

What the hell. I have been conditioned to only use the word fuck when articulating my thoughts about this team anyway. That'll change as soon as the French quit running.

*blatantly and proudly stolen from Tommy Boy. If you didn't know that kindly ring your call button and Tommy here will come hit you in the head with a tack hammer, because you are a retard. Nothing against retards. It's in the script and I know how that language bothers people.


Maximum Colossus said...

1) In defense of firing Crosby, the guy obviously didn't keep up with the more modern facets of special teams coaching. For instance, I never once saw him or any of his personnel trip an opposing player during a kick return of any kind. Weak sauce.

2) Faye Reagan would make a fine special teams coach. If the players love playing for Norv, they'd quite literally bust a nut working under Faye.

CJ said...

Send your resume. I had not considered that coaching strategy. I'd hire you.