Friday, January 07, 2011

And Now For the AFC

Three posts in one day? Just trying to get it all out of my system before retiring to the black hole that is "not football," where first we must endure basketball before the Padres step in and try to fill that void of disappointment the Chargers always leave behind. Shudder.

Here's how the teams in the AFC will break our San Diegan hearts with a Superbowl victory:

Baltimore Ravens

This is the team you want to win the Superbowl. They kind of have an obnoxious wigger fanbase, but the team itself doesn't bother me that much. Honestly, go back and look at the games, even when they beat us it doesn't look like they really want to. There are Ravens players on the sidelines screaming, "Why are you kicking a field goal on 3rd down? Take another shot at the endzone for fuck's sake!" Of course, they do have an alleged murderer on their team, but he already has a ring. If the Football Gods are cool with it, so am I.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Ugh, not these ass holes again. Pittsburgh is the best team in the league that you neither follow or care about. At this point the only time you even acknowledge them, besides when Ben is accused of raping someone or flying through a windshield, is when they don't make the playoffs. The Steelers are a favorite among football purists because they are gritty and tough. See: boring. If they win this Superbowl that will be seven. Seven! To our big fat goose egg. We could win the next six and Pittsburgh could still lord that seventh over us. And let's not forget they blew through us in the playoffs en route to a couple of those. Fuck the Steelers and their lunch pails. Die in a welding accident, you blue collar fucksticks!

Indianapolis Colts

The Colts have made the playoffs for exactly 50 straight seasons now. Yet somehow they are our bitch. Nobody wants to see their bitch succeed. It's like they do this on purpose. They mock us. They're all, "Oh, all your receivers are hurt? Your running game is suspect? Your pro bowl tight end is out? The other teams in your division are on the rise? Oh, I can certainly see why you'd have a hard time making the postseason under those circumstances. I mean, we did it, but we're the Colts." Oh, that makes me so mad. I have no doubt this bunch of suckasses will go to the Superbowl and cough it up to the Bears.

New York Jets

I'm conflicted. A piece of me wants Tomlinson to to get his ring because he was an amazing Chargers player and because it would make AJ and Norv look all the more terrible. Unfotunately, if LT wins a ring with the Jets, no one will ever let us forget it and he will probably decide to retire a Jet and I don't think I could take it. Also, since LT had exactly one decent postseason performance in all his years in San Diego I would have to cry party foul. But if they win it all, I want him to go big in the Superbowl and I want Cromartie to have two pick sixes. Really twist the knife.

New England Patriots

Another one of those 'not these guys again' teams. And we're their bitch. No bitch with a deeply buried sense of self esteem wants to see they that bitchified them succeed. But they won't succeed. The Patriots are secretly the biggest choke artists in the league. The media can sit around and sing their praises and jerk off Belichek and Brady all they want, but when it comes time to put up or shut up, they'll choke it away just like they did when they gave up an 18 point lead to the Colts in the AFC Championship game or when they let Eli Manning of all women ruin their perfect season. I can't wait to see it.

Kansas City Chiefs

This team is such a long shot they almost have to win. What a slap in the face that would be. After dominating the AFC West for like five of the last six years the Bolts have put nary a dent in the postseason. If Todd Haley and the Chiefs go in there and take the whole thing in one shot I just don't know how anyone can ever stand up for Dean, AJ and Norv ever again. And the Chiefs could, you know. Running and D wins the big one they always say. When the Chiefs are on, they're as good as anybody at the two. Of course the idea that the Chiefs could be on for four straight games is laughable. If they manage it, though, I'm going to root for a lockout, because I'm going to need at least a year to get over it.

So that's it. Root for the Ravens to win everything, because they have practically no ties to San Diego and the only strike against them is murder. Human murder. Not even dog murder. Go Ravens!!!

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