Thursday, January 06, 2011

Oh, You Wanna Talk Playoffs?

I really didn't want to post anything and move CJ's two-count 'em, two!- posts down the page where all four of our followers might miss them. Those things are more rare than unobtanium, but not nearly as rare as giant blue savages porn. Anyway, sorry CJ, but I too have to put up some playoff analysis, but mine will be a bit different. I would like to go ahead and point out what it would do to further crush San Diego Chargers fans when one of these remaining 12 teams wins the Superbowl this year while our beloved and bemoaned Chargers continue to not win it.

Seattle Seahawks

My most glorious nightmare disaster was somewhat averted today when the the Hawks announced that the best looking quarterback Jesus impersonator in the league, one Chuck Whitehurst would not be starting. I assume this is because Matt Hasslebeck has playoff experience enough to possibly cancel out the fact that even when he was supposed to be good Hasslebeck was just kind of okay. Man, though, would I have loved to see Chuck take this disaster of a playoff team to the Superbowl after all the accolades laid on AJ for fleecing the Hawks with this guy. He could still step in halfway through the Saints game and make a postseason splash the likes of which Jeff Hostetler has never seen. If it happens, I expect the Bolts to pack up the Mayflowers that night and get thyselves to L.A. If Seattle manages to pull it off with either QB, I'll probably lose it because I know that they are secretly AFC West double agents!

Green Bay Packers

When Green Bay wins we all lose, but here's where it makes the Chargers look bad. We tried that all pass/no run thing last year and failed miserably. It would look better for us if people went on believing it's impossible.

Philadelphia Eagles

As Nick Canepa pointed out last week, San Diego fans have poor memories. Most of you probably don't know that we traded the right to draft Mike Vick several years ago for some running back and a really fast white receiver who could neither run routes or catch passes but looked really fucking crazy returning kicks. While that crazy receiver went on to become one of the greatest Chargers of all time, Mike Vick's contributions to the league were arguably much more. Drafted 1st overall by the Philadelphia Eagles, Vick went on to change the face of the game while proving that one could be a superstar while still managing to be an all around credit to the human race. A Superbowl win this year would be his fourth if memory serves, and that would shatter a San Diego fanbase that has yet to see a single Lombardi. Oh, and that running back we traded down to acquire? Jermaine Fazande. Ouch.

Atlanta Falcons

That could have been Michael Turner Norv insists on slamming into the opposing defensive line on every first down, before abandoning the run completely and hucking the ball around willy nilly. Seriously, the Falcons are exactly the Chargers of the NFC. Want proof? Watch them lose their first playoff game. If they don't it's because their coach has them prepared, or makes adjustments or some other coachy thing. Is Mike Smith Norv Turner? Or is he any other coach in the league who knows what he's doing?

New Orleans Saints

Do I have to even say it? Breesus Christ, you're gonna make me say it, aren't you?! Fine, Archie Manning wouldn't let Eli come and play in San Diego, even though our fans were desperate to see the greatest of all Manning's adorn himself in the lightning bolt. Archie played for the Saints, so to see them win another Superbowl would only be a painful reminder of what he did to us. Honestly, I can't think of any other reason San Diegans would care if the Saints win it again.

The Flippin' Bears

This is the big one in the NFC. First Big Ben gets his ring. Then Eli Manning. Jay Cutler is the last of the QBs with any legitimate tie to Philip Rivers and the Chargers. The AFC West rivalry that should have been is over, but if you don't think Cutler winning a ring before Rivers will cause our QB to have an aneurysm and die, you are sorely mistaken. This would make for the sulkiest Superbowl of all. I mean, I'm just sick thinking of the possibility. I'm gonna go wash myself in whiskey.

That's it for now. I'd do the AFC, but Blogger killed this post halfway through, forcing me to do much of it over and it was all I could do not to punch a hole in my monitor, so I'm going to save the AFC for tomorrow. Boo NFC!

1 comment:

CJ said...

Umm excuse me. We now have 5 count them FIVE followers. That's two more followers than known harlots Brett Farve emailed his cock to.