Wednesday, January 05, 2011

The Joke is on You PLAYOFFS!!!

Here is the first installment of the "Joke is on You PLAYOFFS!" Bullet Points, LUDICROUS SPEED! GO!

*Leave it to Oakland to upstage the failures of our 2010 season by firing their coach that brought an ounce of respectability to a moribund franchise. In Oakland, a .500 season and an unbeaten division record gets you strung up and gutted in the lair of the Cryptkeeper so that he can suckle on your innards giving him his eternal youth. Kind of excuses our firing of a 14-2 coach in favor of Norv Turner. So for that, a hearty thank you Al Davis. You truly are the king of the assholes. An award that is not only incredibly hard to win but very well deserved. Well done sir. Enjoy your blood.

*Kansas City is 0-3 in their last three playoff games at home. Guess which asshole is responsible for that? Here's to hoping Todd Haley begins his trek down Schottenheimer lane so I'm spared CBS's inevitable montage of the shortcomings of Martyball. Oh and fuck Kansas City. Your barbecue tastes like the rusted ass end of a Pinto.

*If Seattle's record was one game better do you think they'd shut the fuck up about all the bad teams that missed the playoffs that deserve to be in the playoffs but didn't fucking qualify? Wait, I know the answer to that. Oh, in case you forgot, we were 2-2 against that division and lost to the Seachickens so we totally got fucked out of the playoffs. Assholes.

*Um. Yeah. Here. Fuck New Orleans. There. I said it. Actually. Been sayin' it for years. Peruse the September 2005 Archives for post Katrina corpse and mold jokes. They are there I promise. And I don't feel any little bit of remorse whatsoever. I meant each and every one of them. I mean them more now. Fuck 'em.

*Baltimore. Harbaugh the Lesser. In the span of three days, ESPN's stories and ticker updates on the brother of Harbaugh the Lesser has made me desperately horny for someone to tell me Brett Favre stuck his finger in a stewardess. Flight Attendant. Whatever. Finger bang somebody Favre. I implore you. And fuck Baltimore.

*I'll regret that last bullet point like habanero fire wings in exit mode when Aaron Rogers throws four touchdowns and loses this weekend. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE BRETT FAVRE ASSHOLE! CHEESEHEADS 4 FAVRE 4EVER!!!1!!

*Hey L.T... you better run for about 382 yards and six scores or Rex is gonna rape you with his foot. Sanchez would probably prefer you get it for once I'm sure. YOU'RE FORCING ME TO ROOT FOR INDIANAPOLIS YOU DRIPPING GINAHOLES.

*I'm rooting for snow in Indy so hopefully their god damned roof collapses thirty seconds after kickoff. Fuck Indy. Fuck the Jets. I WIN. Me. I. Win. In that case only. borrow from Max, glug, glug, glug... I guess I win anyway.

*The Dog Whisperer. I really hope Mike Vick scores 68 touchdowns, goes iron man and has 18 sacks, conquers every game singlehandedly, wins the Super Bowl, the Most Valuable Player award, buys a pit bull, bangs it on a rape stand, and bites it's ears off hoisting one trophy in each hand. Is that wrong? Fuck those assholes that think he should die. Seriously. Fuck off. Wishing death upon someone is a fucking dick move. No, it doesn't count when I rooted for a roof collapse. That could totally never happen.



Maximum Colossus said...

Two posts in two days?! I'mma take a vacation. Also, you should go over to Blogust and check out that video of a monkey defiling a frog. It's pretty rad.

CJ said...

Well, if we weren't already, we are now on every government watchlist in existence.