Hybernation is Tricky Business

Hey guys, what’s up? Why didn’t anybody wake me up and tell me football season had started? I was pretty wiped out from the National League West Division Championship celebrations and I ended up sleeping through eight entire weeks of football. Bummer. I hope nothing good happened. Fortunately, I had some nerdy kid take notes for me. Unfortunately, a lot of said notes go off on tangents involving words like “trajectory” and “velocity,” so I may have to get a little creative in filling in the gaps.

For fun, let’s get a quick recap going on the first eight games of the year. By the time I’m finished with this I should have a firm grasp on how I feel about this budding Chargers Dynasty.

Week 1: Chargers 24, Cowboys 28 At first glance I was sure this was a typo, but sure enough, the Mighty Bolts dropped their home opener to the upstart Cowboys. Then I saw that the incomparable Antonio Gates was not in the game, and everything made a bit more sense. That must be some injury that keeps a guy like Gates on the sideline. I sure hope he’s okay. And I hope this one doesn’t come back to haunt us.

Week 2: Chargers 17, Denver 20 Hey, we won half a game in Mile-high. That’s not so bad. Even better, turns out Gates is going to be okay. It says here in my notes that he even signed a long term contract for some pretty serious cash. Good for you, Antonio, and good for San Diego. I’m glad those negotiations went smoothly. A lot of players have tried to take advantage of the Spanos’ family legendary generosity and A.J. Smith's easygoing style over the years.

Week 3: Chargers 45, Giants 23 That’s more like it guys! Eli came to town and saw what could have been. Poindexter watched an episode of Firefly on DVD during the middle part of this game and forgot to take notes, but from what I can tell, it never even got close.

Week 4: Chargers 41, Patriots 17 I wish there was some way I could make your computer bust out with some crazy explosion sound effects as you read the score for this game. We destroyed the unstoppable New England juggernaut in high fashion. Hell, I doubt the Patriots have lost a game since this one. This train is rolling again and “The Mighty Ambassador of Running Back Superiority" has just dominated the opposition two weeks in a row. Did anyone ever doubt it? I’ve got to get Poindexter to work on those explosions.

Week 5: Chargers 22, Steelers 24 Lame.

Week 6: Chargers 27, Raiders 14 Unnh! Can you feel that?! Can you feel that Raider Nation?! Even when the Raiders are pathetic (And I’m sure they still haven’t won a game this season) I never getting tired of watching them lose. And when the Charger machine delivers the pounding right smack dab in the middle of the sad joke that is the Raider faithful, all the better. Welcome to the rivalry Randy Moss!

Week 7: Chargers 17, Eagles 20 Huh? Can someone explain this to me? A blocked field goal? I guess that makes us karmically even in the eyes of the universal powers that be for that Dante Hall fumble last season. But that is it, powers that be! Do not try to come collecting again, cause we are even Steven right now. As for you Reche Caldwell, I give you a pass on that one, but that’s it for you as well.

Week 8: Chargers 28, Chiefs 20 I saw this one people. I saw it, and I liked it. Antonio Gates in a monster and I’m seriously considering petitioning the NFL to let us send one of his 3 touchdowns back to week one where it belongs. I also want to say I’ve heard a lot of talk about how we almost did the old fourth quarter choke in this game, and I have to disagree. We were not choking that game away. I know, cause when that happens, I feel as though I am choking. I never felt any kind of choking sensation, therefore that game was never in doubt. And if anybody says it was, please remember to leave your front door unlocked tonight, cause I’ll be swinging by pretty late with my shovel.

So there you have it people. The Colossus is all caught up, ready to enjoy the rest of the season and grant you all the invaluable information on the upcoming footballing contests for our beloved San Diego Chargers that he knows. Stay tuned and you’ll here insider information like, “The Jets suck,” and, “Oh! The Dolphins totally suck!” The other so-called experts don’t commit like that, people. Not now, not ever! I’m back, and I’ll never leave you again, baby! Never! Now get me a beer. Go Bolts!!!