Tuesday, September 09, 2008

An Open Letter...

Dear T.J. Simers,

After reading your finest effort to date. I have just one thing to say to you.

Mr. Simers:


No really. Suh-huck meye BALLS.

If there's anyone who is going to put together some mash up of ideas that make no sense whatsoever while at the same time being ultra critical of our town, it's me. Not you bullshitface. You have no right.

Now I'm not here to say that we are the greatest town in the world, for years our city council has been nothing more than a laugh riot of an institution. Bruce Henderson and the Mike Aguirre have been haunting this city for far too many ages now pandering their personal agendas over the good of the people. And recently thanks to a media fueled catastrophe the good mayor has instituted a drinking ban further squelching our rights as a people. Now, obviously, none of those things are ideal or even debatable in this town as your rights are only yours as long as the legislators would like you to keep them, but he who cries loud enough wins and well, the media does a lot of crying around here. But you sir, if you are going to come slinging that kind of talk about my town, it sure as shit better be more accurate than that crap you submitted today. What, were you out on a marathon drinking binge down here in the Hillcrest? Did you wake up with sore love handles, a limp and some chafing you were unaccustomed to? Cause that column reeked of desparation with deadlines looming and nothing constructive to write about. "San Diego is a town filled with Losers." Really? From an L.A. columnist? I've got to say, I've got some issues with this...Quotes first...

T.J. Simers
September 9, 2008

"DINKY TOWN DOWN SOUTH -- What a treat for the small-town losers in San Diego, the local yokels saddled with bad football and baseball teams again, but catching a break finally and getting a glimpse of the Los Angeles Dodgers as they move toward yet another World Series title."

Dinky town down south? Small town losers? Local yokels saddled with bad football? Really? Was recess to short today Mr. Simers? Did somebody steal your pudding cup and pour it on your head? Last time I checked, the Chargers were hardly 'bad' and well, the Dodgers had a 1.5 game lead over Arizona in what it widely considered the worst division in baseball. What's it been since the Dodgers won a World Series? 20 years? Yeah, I know, the Padres have never won a World Series. Yeah, good at pointing out the obvious aren't we? "You suck cause you've never won and we're better than you even though it's been 20 years since we won shit! Take that!"

"No autographs, please, the boys are busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs against the Cubs, which explains why they really couldn't take the Padres seriously."

Remember this in a minute when I come back to it... And yes, I know Merriman pulled the plug on the season, there's really nothing more to say about it. That's what everyone wanted anyway right?

"As for Chargers fans, they are trying to decide if life is worth living, a question they seemingly have to contemplate every year." "All together now: "San Diego Super Chargers! "We're coming your way, we're gonna dazzle you with our super play. The time has come" to apparently fall flat on our face masks once again.

If only the yokels had what it takes to make it up north, and enjoy what the Dodgers, Angels, Lakers and Trojans have to offer. But I guess somebody has to live down here."

Uh, T.J.? Life is worth living. And yes, although our history dictates that we may in fact fall on our face masks yet once again, we do (for the time being) have a team to root for. What professional team represents L.A.? The Galaxy? That's football right? And what is this, about not being able to make it up North? What, with the ultra cool folks like her Poshness? We've already discussed what the perennial playoff missing Dodgers have to offer, let alone the Lakers who have been a dysfunctional soap opera employing an 'alleged' rapist, who repeatedly attempted to dismantle the team and its upper management, while losing their last two trips to the NBA finals, most recently to the Celtics who mopped the floor with them. Trojans? Didn't they lose to Texas in the Rose Bowl the last time they played for the National Championship? I guess the measure of success according to you T.J. is to rest on your laurels of historical success and thrive in times when they hand out the second place trophy and claim that as accomplishment. Didn't Vince Young recently go crazy? Didn't the Trojans lose to a crazy person, who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic? Hmmm, interesting...oh, and the Angels are in Anaheim dude. Don't try to claim them as L.A. even though the marketing gurus are trying to sell that name by the letter...

"The Chargers have been picked by some experts to win the Super Bowl, but the Spanos Goofs and their band of heartbreakers regularly fall shy of expectations, which might explain why the team was the only one unable to sell out the opener -- a TV station buying tickets so the game could be shown here locally."

As a result, everyone down here got the chance to watch their heroes fold, Carolina scoring on the last play, and the Chargers sport a worse winning percentage than the Padres, who are 32 games below. 500.

San Diego Super Chargers!"

This kind of professional journalism is really awesome. I admire your ability Mr. Simers to avoid any kind of reactionary judgement after you know, week 1 of the NFL Season. The Chargers were 1-3 last year before going to the AFC Championship game, but hey, you knew that. What place did the L.A. team finish in again?

"When everyone in the big city woke up Monday, the Dodgers and Angels were in first place. L.A. has USC, and San Diego has San Diego State, losers to Cal Poly SLO recently. L.A. has the Lakers, and San Diego still has the Clippers in their background. San Diego has a minor league outfit in the Padres and Norv Turner as Chargers coach, while the Dodgers are managed by the great Joe Torre and the media."

Again, I'll try to simplify this for you Mr. Simers, and if I had flash cards with diagrams I'd scan them and post them so you can follow along. The Dodgers are not good. They are two games over .500, in a division that even you admit has a 'minor league outfit' patrolling the basement. Obviously other division foes like the Rockies and the Giants are a tremendous hump in your success especially after 19 head to head games annually. Yet, two games over .500 is all your beloved Blue can manage, and if Joe Torre and the media were so great, why would they allow the mighty Dodgers to fail to prepare for such a cupcake like the Padres and lose a game to the basement dwellers in the middle of a division race? At the time of this posting, the Dodgers are again down 2-1 to the Padres. In the MIDDLLE OF A DIVISION RACE!!!! And I'm not even paying attention to that Angels crap anymore.

I'm SDSU alumni and I won't even defend that atrocity, but, they do try hard and nearly upset Notre Dame. USC cheats and finishes second. But hey, I want to focus on that bold part. Let me recap:

"San Diego still has the Clippers in their background."

Hey. Come on now T.J. Let's just get past the bullshit here okay? The Clippers have been an active failure in Los Angeles for nearing 28 years now. Once the Clips left town, the went to Los Angeles, not even Anaheim like the Angels, but truly Los Angeles. They share a venue with your almighty 2nd place Lakers, but somehow this is a reflection of San Diego sports history? When exactly Mr. Simers are you planning on taking ownership of the Clippers as Los Angeles' own? When they win? Is that it?

By your logic then you should be on the hook for the debacle of a football team that the Raiders trotted out on the field on Sunday night. They used to be an L.A. team, so therefore L.A. is responsible for that steaming Committment to Dogshit that's been and keeps festering in professional football stadiums since 2002. I guess you have to take credit for that wonderfully incompetant Rams squad that brings down property values in St. Louis as if that were further possible. The squad that went out and collected a total of 8 first downs and gagged up better than 500 yards to the Eagles? The 3-13 Rams from a year ago? Go check those two squads records dating back for a few years if you are going to hold that Clippers shit over our heads.

Now, I want to take this as an opportunity to point out that there did seem to be a touch of sarcasm in this column, but I believe that was to distract or diffuse the attention from your kindergarten like ranting. For shame that the L.A. Times would post something so juvenile with obviously so little thought into each and every word. You sir are a poor excuse for a journalist.

In closing I'd just like to say...

My Balls Mr. Simers. Fuck you. Suck my balls.



UPDATE: It's since tied at 2. But who gives a shit. We're a cupcake. Fuck you.


Tenacious E said...

That dudes pissed he lives in LA. His boyfriends probably tied down in hollywood and cant move down to the wonderful region we live in. I feel sorry for the guy.

EL-D said...

If California needed an enema, you would put the tube in LA.