Sunday, September 07, 2008

Here We Fucking Go!

My eyes popped open about 6:30 this morning and I don't have to work so that can mean only one thing; It's time for some motherfucking football! Not preseason teaser bullshit. Not that Thursday night farce of an opening "fuck you" to the fans. A real, whole day of God damn knock you on your ass and violently rape your corpse football! Bully!

A few thoughts on the upcoming season to start:

1) Is anybody outside of New York actually rooting for Favre to win? He will, of course, because the Fins are farther away than Chad Pennington from winning that game, but I would love to be wrong here. The real question is, when the Jets finally do start losing games and, of course, they will, does Favre begin to consider re-re-retirement?

2) The Pats get to start off with the Chiefs. That should cure any Superbowl hangovers they might have. Oh wait, the Pats don't have a Superbowl hangover, the vaGiants do. Somebody is going to have to explain that to me. Wouldn't it be glorious if the Pats really did suffer the Superbowl loser's curse and miss the playoffs this year? Problem is, somebody has to win that division. I'd just be curious how the media would cover Brady's ass if it happens. Seriously, someone actually compared Brady to Romo in an article I read and said that nothing can go wrong for Brady. Romo goes to Cabo with J-Simp and loses in the playoffs. Brady hangs out Giselle and almost wins the Superbowl. Umm...but he didn't. He didn't win the Superbowl. That went wrong for Brady you fucking idiot!

3) Shawne Merriman went on the radio the other morning and confirmed my suspicions by saying that none of the specialists he saw told him to shut it down, but did say he was going to have to have surgery sooner or later. The media continues to claim that all said specialists begged Merriman to shut it down for the sake of the children. Won't somebody think of the children?! I smell a Pro Bowl year.

Here's the winners, I don't have the spread so suck it.

vaGiants over the Skins in a piss poor dog of a game. I bet Jim Zorn doesn't know how to manage clock.

Bengals over Ravens, but I bet that terrible Bengals D makes the media start with the Joe Flacco cocksucking jamboree.

J-E-T-S Brett, Brett, Bre- Oh fuck me. Sorry Dolphins, but the good newsis that I think you win upwards of 5 this year, I just can't figure out which 5.

Pats over Chiefs. Way to go scheduling committee, I can see the sprinkles on that cupcake from here.

Steelers over Texans and I am only taking the Steelers becuase it's a homer for them. This one could be close.

Jags over Titans because the best you can hope for with 0 points is a tie Teatans.

Lions over Falcons because the Falcons are so bad even God won't show them mercy.

Bills over Seahawks and this is my only upset. I don't know why, though, because I firmly believe that Trent Edwards sucks, but I must be crazy because everybody else inexplicably loves the guy.

Eagles over Rams because in what has become Rams tradition at least three starting offensive linemen should be on IR by halftime.

Saints over Bucs because the Bucs will be resting players for the playoffs.

Chargers over Panthers because Peter King sucks. 22 to 20? Seriously? Two lousy points you cocksucker? We're going to eviscerate that team. Bitch!

Cards over Niners. A million Fantasy Footballers, including myself will be poised to pick up JT O'Sullivan if he thrives in a Mike Martz offense. Seriously, I want to pick him up now. I'm 11th on waivers.

Cowboys over Browns and I want to pick the other way because I think the Cowboys might be the greatest of all lies, but Romo could throw 5 TDs against a Browns defense that does not employ professional DBs.

Colts over Bears. The ads for this claim the Bears haven't forgotten what the Colts did to them in the Superbowl a couple years back. I don't know if that's true or not, but even if they did forget they're going to be reminded very quickly.

Packers over Vikings and Minnesota will go into heavy, heavy panic mode. They may try to pick up O'Sullivan too.

Denver over the Raiders. Who cares?

That's what I got right now. After this weekend I'm going to try to get all disecty on this shit and predict the rest of the season. That should be awful. Go Bolts!!!

2 comments:

Natalie Marsha said...

Week One Here we go! I am so psyched for today! My boyfriend and I got a 12 pack of Bud Light Lime and have Pizza Hut coming in less than an hour!!!

-Natalie Marsha!
http://www.eSellOut.com/Sports.aspx

Chris said...

Its like Charger fucking mania out there and its not even a joke. Jerseys are out in full force as are the flags and even the license plates. No seriously. License plates.

And to be sure yes, the Bears are in for a raping the likes of which only guys like Rae Carruth are familiar.

Merriman's fine. I hope.

Ahh football. It's back.