Monday, January 07, 2008

Beat It, Monkey!

So, assuming that some of you out there might actually be interested in what I think about the Bolts first “Playoff” victory in over a decade, I figured I’d check back in here for a hot minute and lay it out for ya. Obviously it would be a staggering lie to act as though I wasn’t thrilled to have achieved victory in what can be officially referred to as the Playoffs, even if it was against a team that probably shouldn’t have been there. And just as obviously the above finger-quotes (not to be confused with my oh-so-bitchin’ finger guns that you should definitely inquire about next time you see me hammered enough that I don’t care how foolish I look) have likely tipped you off that I don’t consider this much in the way of “progress.” While Little Nicky manages to try and slobber all over John Wayne's toes while not actually crediting him directly, in my mind we ain't there just yet.

We are, for all intents and purposes, at square numero uno. A win is a win, however, and I’ll take it. The truth is, I may be bitter because I’m sick as a dog at work right now because it would have looked dangerously suspicious to call in this morning (if anybody from work is actually reading this, I’m writing it on my lunch break, so don’t even start).

So, without further adieu, here’s what I liked:

1) The D was tight. Sure they came out looking a bit confused and gave up some yards off the bat, but when Manimal knocked the ball out of Chris Brown’s hands with the Titans knocking on the end zone door, the momentum shifted and they were “Light’s Out” the rest of the way.

Professional rebuttal: Yeah, but if the Titans had an actual professional football offense they likely would have put us in the grave early.

2) Philip Rivers showed in the second half that if given Brady-like protection he can take this team and hoist it on his shoulders.

Professional rebuttal: Uhh, aren’t you the one who constantly reminds us that Rivers biggest Sophomore tick has been inconsistency. Surely you can’t say you expect the same performance against the World Champions next week. You’re damn lucky Freeney’s out, but will that be enough?

Jesus, professional dude, why don’t you go fuck yourself? I’m trying to analyze here. Fuck.

3) The emergence of Vincent Jackson as a superstar receiver in this league!

Professional rebuttal: Now you’re just being silly.

All right, well how about the things I didn’t like?

1) Teams have been able to bottle up Tomlinson a lot this year. Most of his rushing yards seem to have come against bad teams or late in games when defenses tire. The O-line continues to look overmatched most of the time. They just aren’t opening the holes the way they did last year. Maybe they should take a group trip down to Adelita’s and practice opening tight holes.

Professional rebuttal: Crude. But they did do a good job of protecting Rivers in the second half, so you have to give them credit.

I have to wonder if the line didn’t benefit from Manumaleuna’s big body being in there after the Gates injury.

Professional rebuttal: Blasphemer!!!

2) That cheap shot on Gates.

Professional rebuttal: Well, he did appear to be getting up.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Professional rebuttal: Chillax, bro.

Did you just fucking tell me to chillax?! That is just the gayest.

3) Nate Kaeding in the Playoffs. Come on Iowa, if you're that hurt you need to tell somebody, otherwise I’m just going to have to assume you are a choke-artist or a habitual gambler.

Professional rebuttal: Give the kid a break, he’s usually money. And all those jag-offs that give him shit for missing a 53 yarder in the final seconds of the Pats Playoff last year can get bent.

True enough. All in all, a solid win in craptastic weather. No weather in Indy, and they is skurred of us for some reason. Let’s give ‘em another reason next Sunday! Go Bolts!!!


Tenacious E said...

That's a cactus you idiot

Maximum Colossus said...

Are you sure it's not a camel?