Thursday, August 28, 2008

That GPS Machine Fucking Sucked...

What is this? What the hell is this thing? I mean I see some little buttons. The sort of squarish. They got little shapey things on 'em...kinda look like some shit I seen in the Kama Sutra... and what the fuck is that light up blinky thing up top? It's got like pictures and some of those same shapes from the buttons. What is this place? What the fuck is a football? Who the fuck are the Chargers? Who the fuck turned the Lights Off?

After a long hiatus I'm back. You all probably didn't even realize I was gone. I spent the year traveling around Europe hanging out with some supremely unbelievable types talkin' bout wars and real estate problems, gas prices, tellin' me that $22 American dollars isn't enough for a Big Mac and a hooker in some French back alley. What the fuck would the French know about hookers and Big Macs anyway, all they know is the pure unadulterated speed of a dead sprint fleeing from everything even remotely threatening. Like a chihuahua. Put those fuckers up agains that Usain Bolt in a race, tell 'em there's a rabid gerbil with scabies behind 'em. World Records will fall my friend. They will fall...

After that particular jaunt across that scab of a country I'm back. I'm cleansed. I've distanced myself from the disappointment of that particular playoff game that is not to be mentioned. I'm past it I fucking tell you, just don't ever fucking bring it up again. I've handled the coaching 'transition' as I'm bound legally to refer to that debac...uh, situation. I sat through a season watching with a cautious eye and an unhealthy level of skepticism, but hey, that's all behind us. Including that final game of last season, with that one guy, what's his nickname again? Sitting there freezing his future hall of fame balls off glued to the bench while the rest of the squad tried valiently in his honor to beat the juggernaut. Now is not the time to express my opinions on past events, much like everyone else in this world, my opinion is about as worthwhile as the dump I left in the toilet this morning. Fuck it. It's a new year, a new season and it's less than 10 fucking days away...

It's been a long journey. Many a country have been traversed, many a women were bed, many a bone were broke. Some surgery was required (more on that later), some chainsaw's were necessary, some boats nearly sank, or didn't but fuck you it's my story I'll tell it however the fuck I want to. I'm back, like it or not I'm back. And have we got some shit in store for you.

We got it all and they haven't even kicked the motherfucker off yet. We got a linebacker that is more beast than man, right or wrong he's got gigantic balls. We got our running back back, we got the quarterback back, and well, we got the coaches back too. And even that bad ass motherfuckin' John Wayne Corleone, yep the one annointed Godfather. That man is half Darth Vader, half Freddy Kreuger, and half Satan. Yep, that's three halfs, it makes a whole bad ass man. It's all back my friends.

So is this the year? Is it the one? Can you feel the burn? Antibiotics can't cure that my friend, football is here and I for one am balls deep on down the road ready to roll. Oh, glorious day.

2 comments:

Maximum Colossus said...

Huh?

Jeff said...

Are you on glue?