God, I Hope He's Right.

I you watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force at all, you know that lately it's been all Carl, all the time. It's not hard to figure out why.

The Party's Over.

Okay, so I guess I'm happy. We finally won some big playoff games and then we ran into a juggernaut in the New England Patriots. A juggernaut we would have beaten if we weren't decimated on offense by injury. And that's right, we would have beaten them. Our defense was stellar and we were able to drive on them pretty handily until the field shortened. You can't tell me that if TBE and Gates were 1,000,000% we couldn't have put the ball across the goal line three times. Oh well, not as heartbreaking as last year, but it still hurts to have to say "next year." But as I've said before here, the best thing to come of this year will be the Pats signing of Moss. AJ will likely gamble a little bit more in free agency and if we're lucky we'll see a big upgrade at middle linebacker and probably a quick little WR to run around and be all Wes Welkery. A little more O-line depth wouldn't kill us either. On to thoughts regarding groups and individuals.

1) O-line: Wow, these guys stepped it up in the end. I mean, these guys rested on their laurels for like two good months before getting their shit back together. There's no way Rivers could have hobbled around on two-thirds of a knee against the Pats without them.

2) Rivers: I had already resigned to get off the kid's back before he went out played a great game in the AFC championship. That's right, a great game. Aside from one throw he just couldn't make in his condition, he gutted it out and drove down the field over and over. To all the morons who have been saying that Rivers was selfish and they should have played Volek (seriously, these people exist) I say, "Go hang yourselves, you're of no use to anybody."

3) Vincent Jackson: Wow, keep it up and I'll be eating crow for the rest of your career. Say hi to Charlie Joiner for me.

4) Chambers: Fuck all those sports jerks who said we gave up to much for him, right? Pro bowl calibre.

5) It's a testament to how good this guy is that even though injuries practically erased him the last several weeks of the year, his stats were right on par with the best TEs in the league. Even with the emergence of the receiving corps, Gates would have eclipsed the Jason Wittens and Dallas Clarks of the league. He'll do it next year, watch.

6) The secondary: League's whipping boys for several years. Oh, how the times are changing. Cromartie is a monster and now teams are realizing they have to throw to Jammer's side. And now people are finding out that Jammer is a a bit better than advertised. Outstanding the second Cro became the starter. Don't mind Florence in the nickel, but I won't cry to see him go.

7) Linebackers: Merriman, Phillips, thank God Cotrell finally set you boys loose. Excellent. Stephen Cooper you're a solid playmaker and I see good things in your future. Wilhelm? I really wanted for you to be good. You got better in the end, but not better enough. I know Merriman jumps on piles after the play, but he does other things too. You? Not so much. You will probably be upgraded.

8) Kaeding: How ironic that you started making field goals in the playoffs when we really needed TDs. You can't catch a break, can you. Find a way to kick the ball farther in the offseason. You're okay.

9) Scifres: MVP.

10) D-line: I love you guys. You're not flashy, and you Williams, I know you were in pain, but you guys are all just big, crazy animals and that is fun to watch. Castillo, don't get hurt if we play the Vikings again next year, because that was stupid.

11) Darren Sproles: You are adorable! I want to put you in my pocket. I'm glad we didn't fire you.

12) Michael Turner: You're going to make a bunch of money. Not as much as if we had let you go last year, but a bunch. Don't be a bitch about it.

13) Norv Turner: Not a bad job rallying the boys in the playoffs, but you're not totally off the hook. Your balls retracted against the Pats. Injuries or no that was some mediocre playcalling in the red zone. And punting from the Pats 36, down two scores with 9+ minutes? Too safe, I knew it was over. Now you're going to listen to the San Diego faithful(ly stupid) call for the rehiring of Cameron Cameron all off-season. You dug it, hop on in. Neutered our offense a bit, better luck next year.

14) LaDainian (The Best Ever) Tomlinson: Damned if you do, damned if you don't I suppose. Go out there and stink it up and you'd be called selfish for trying. Stay on the sidelines and you're called a big pussy. I know better. You're the tits, man. The heart and the soul. I'll be looking forward to seeing you again next year.

My thoughts on the Super Bowl? Fuck you Green Bay, I could have probably convinced myself to root for you doughe bags. Eli and the vaGiants vs. the Nazis? I root for the plague. Go Bolts!!!

P.S. Kelly, I'm sorry I kept saying I'd come over and watch football with you guys and then bailing out. I'm sure your house is lovely. Send me a picture.

Football's Over People.

Move along, there's nothing to see here. So, I'll probably go ahead and chime in at some point about my feeeeelings and whatnot, but I'm still processing. In the meantime, enjoy the one good thing to come out of the vaGiants victory over the Packers. More Carl:

Football

Charger Mania....

It's absolute Charger fucking mania outside this morning. Not only have I already had to endure chants of "un-de-feat-ed" by some immitation Masshats weilding Rolling Rock, but I saw a Mastiff in a Natrone Means jersey.

It's fucking on...

Just A Fun Day To Pile On The Cowgirls, I Guess.

At Least Our Fans Are Just Dorky.

What's that? You're not sure whether you actually hate the Patriots or if it's just their fans you hate? Maybe this'll solidify it for you. Personally, I can't stand either.

Dear Lord, Shoot Me.

I hate...so many things...about the way...the following video chooses to be.

Don't get me wrong. Love the enthusiasm. But c'mon! This kind of gabage makes us all look stupid. Kassim should probably have to sit the first quarter Sunday is all I'm sayin'.

This Is Epic.

Hell Yeah We Rock.

A little light reading for you all.

You Tell 'Em Philip!

Let me just go on record as saying that the more shit the media gives Philip Rivers for his animated sideline behavior, the more I'm convinced that he will go down as my favorite Charger ever. Now, I know I was pretty hard on the boy early on in the season, but he's really been rather good for the last couple of months, with something like 15 TDs to 6 INTs in his his last 7 or 8 games. He's led a couple of 4th quarter comebacks and he's made 5 or 6 of the best throws I've seen from a Chargers QB since Fouts. The funny thing is, the media wasn't all that critical of Rivers early on when he was forcing his throws and fumbling the ball at least once a game. They blamed his O-line and sited sophomore jitters and the quality of his opponents. No, the media didn't have much of anything particularly bad to say until he got into it with Jay Cutler, who for some reason has earned the right to run his mouth on the field. I'm sorry, did I go Rumplestiltskin and sleep through two or three years of the Jay Cutler Denver Dynasty Road Show? Now Philip has been caught jawing with fans on the sidelines during the glorious Colts game last week and people in the media "industry" are shitting all over each other to light him up first. Let me tell you something. I have a friend that we'll call "Pat." Every year Pat travels to Arizona to watch his beloved Rams (Pat has been a Rams fan since long before they left L.A. BTW)play the always poised to break out Cards. After drinking roughly the Rams O-line's weight in Captain and Cokes, Pat enters the stadium and immediately makes his way down as close to the sideline as possible at which time he begins to lay into every player he can get within earshot of with the most vile, personal jabs he can think of. Sometimes the players react and sometimes they don't, but I assure you that most of the time they do. It's human nature to tell someone to go fuck themselves when they ask you when you will kill an innocent person again. Oh yeah, did I mention that Pat is bitching at the very team he roots for? Can you imagine what the Indy fans were saying to Rivers? Fuck you, Indy fans. Granted, I have a mom complex with Rivers. I can say whatever I want about him, but y'all better watch your fucking mouths. My new favorite was yesterday when Dan Patrick said on his radio show that Rivers hadn't really shown him anything yet, and that he was merely surrounded by super-talented players who made him look good. Wow, Dan, why don't you show me a couple of successful QBs who didn't have shit for a team around them? Tom Brady? Well, who the fuck does he have to throw to? Peyton Manning? We saw how good he was when he had to play with the scrub team. Six picks? Yeah, Gates is great, and Chambers is to, even though I bet Dan is one of the people who said we gave up too much to bring him in, but nobody was singing Jackson's praises before two weeks ago. Fuck you, Patrick, Banks, Prisco and the rest. You're bandwagonning on the QB as quiet, sage gunslinger cliche that don't mean shit. Everybody is. For cryin' out loud, one "fan" called into a sports show yesterday and asked which QB the Bolts would take in the draft. Way to look stupid, San Diego. Go Rivers!!!

Update: What's this? Refreshing praise of Philip Rivers?

Holy Hell...

Seriously? Like, seriously? What in the holy hell are you fuckers trying to do to me? Are you aware that my heart can't take this kind of shit? Fuck me running, what in the holy hell happened early yesterday morning? If you ask me, I couldn't give you one iota of clear thinking as that scene unfolded in Indytown. All I know is something changed within the heart and soul of our footballing squad. We're apparently all growns up now. And it couldn't have happened at a better time.

This thing was an absolute whirlwind. My phone was literally exploding forth with messages with every single snap of the football. From the first quarter doomsday prophecies, to the second quarter realizations that we were playing the zebras as well, to the third quarter injury survival mode, to the fourth quarter cardiac arrest. This thing had it all. It was truly a team effort, not only on the field, but within the faithful watching, constantly talking each other off of the ledge.

There were even premonitions, beginning with a hopeful wish for a pick six, that was nearly realized as Cromartie tried to fulfill that destiny. These guys were certainly not going to be denied, and it took every bit of balls they had to pull it off. The diffference? This was the first time that this team has actually shown the testicular fortitude to beat a superior opponent. Take all the analysis, take all the prognostications, take all the expert opinion, and tell that team, that team you saw yesterday, that they can't win. Sweet fucking Jesus, Billy Volek led the 'game winning' touchdown drive. Fuck, seriously? I still can't fucking believe that happened. No fucking way that happened...I guess I won't give up that fantasy that involves me, Megan Fox, the entire cheerleading squad, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 55 gallon drum of lube. Anything is fucking possible and I won't let you talk me out of that...

Welcome back fellas. Holy hell. Here's a suggestion. How 'bout we just continue this ride, roll on into bastardtown and fuck up some shit. How 'bout we just go on into their house, make some fucking snow angels, and beat the piss out of those assholes everyone and their fucking drunken stepmother would like to see bitch slapped on the national stage. Why the fuck not? I've got another week in me, and hell, I'll be heavily sedated anyway on the good kind of prescription shit, so fuck it. What the hell do we have to lose?

Fuck Everybody!

Myself most of all. San Diego pulled off one for the ages yesterday. They beat the Colts, the officials, everybody. Philip Rivers was awesome. Vincent Jackson was awesome again. Darren Sproles is a crazy fast little person. Legedu Naanee has an awesome name. Billy Volek? Get the fuck out of town, he's a superstar! This team is for real. Bing on the Patriots round 2. Let's see a little sweet justice and pay them back for last year, shall we? Oh, and fuck Don Banks for this bullshit. Of course, as I' ve said to some people, I expected every headline to read "Patriots Win The Super Bowl" this morning.

Oh, and have some Carl, he's pretty jazzed for his team right now too:

Happy Douche Bag Day!!!

And by Douche Bag Day I mean Cj's birthday, which is maybe today and almost certainly within three days of today. So, in honor of such and in honor of time-saving, I'm callin' 'em like I see 'em and gettin' right to the point.

I can think of no better way to recharge the ole' batteries for the playofss than spending a couple of days in Cabo with a celebrity starlet.
Cowboys 34, vaGiants 20

Jacksonville only rushes the passer with four and has enough quality defensive backs to shut down exactly one opposing receiver per play.
Pats 38, Jags 16

Intriguing match-up in Green Bay. I don't think the Packers are as good as advertised. Of course, I KNOW the Hawks ain't.
Pack 23, Hawks 21 (Late, late 21)

This is going to sting a bit, and I want you all to know that I'm speaking from my glorious Brain who just beat down my fragile Heart in about a round in a half that consisted mostly of Heart running screaming for it's life around the octagon while Brain mugged for the crowd in the first round. The Colts are pretty healthy and without a doubt a far above average football team. We do not match up well against far above average football teams. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "Hey, we hang with this team. We give 'em a game every time. Peyton gets skurred when he sees the lightning coming and he can hear the thunder!" No he can't.
Colts 34, Bolts 20*

Prove me wrong, God damn it!!!

*I'm really just hoping this will spark some animated discussion this weekend so I can unleash my ridiculous list of reasons I actually think that we will pound on the Colts and that Peyton Manning is our little bitch**

**Now I have all my bases covered!

A Little Somethin'

This is pretty long, but it should get you good and fired up for this Sunday and be a nice reminder of what happened last time we were road dogs in the playoffs. Try not to get a lump in your throat.

Udpated to say the NFL can suck it for their copywrite bullshit! The clip was 10:00 of highlights from the Chargers beating Pitt in the AFC Championship game. Started with Pupunu's TD and ended with Gibson's game saving pass defense.

God, I loved that team!

Beat It, Monkey!

So, assuming that some of you out there might actually be interested in what I think about the Bolts first “Playoff” victory in over a decade, I figured I’d check back in here for a hot minute and lay it out for ya. Obviously it would be a staggering lie to act as though I wasn’t thrilled to have achieved victory in what can be officially referred to as the Playoffs, even if it was against a team that probably shouldn’t have been there. And just as obviously the above finger-quotes (not to be confused with my oh-so-bitchin’ finger guns that you should definitely inquire about next time you see me hammered enough that I don’t care how foolish I look) have likely tipped you off that I don’t consider this much in the way of “progress.” While Little Nicky manages to try and slobber all over John Wayne's toes while not actually crediting him directly, in my mind we ain't there just yet.

We are, for all intents and purposes, at square numero uno. A win is a win, however, and I’ll take it. The truth is, I may be bitter because I’m sick as a dog at work right now because it would have looked dangerously suspicious to call in this morning (if anybody from work is actually reading this, I’m writing it on my lunch break, so don’t even start).

So, without further adieu, here’s what I liked:

1) The D was tight. Sure they came out looking a bit confused and gave up some yards off the bat, but when Manimal knocked the ball out of Chris Brown’s hands with the Titans knocking on the end zone door, the momentum shifted and they were “Light’s Out” the rest of the way.

Professional rebuttal: Yeah, but if the Titans had an actual professional football offense they likely would have put us in the grave early.

2) Philip Rivers showed in the second half that if given Brady-like protection he can take this team and hoist it on his shoulders.

Professional rebuttal: Uhh, aren’t you the one who constantly reminds us that Rivers biggest Sophomore tick has been inconsistency. Surely you can’t say you expect the same performance against the World Champions next week. You’re damn lucky Freeney’s out, but will that be enough?

Jesus, professional dude, why don’t you go fuck yourself? I’m trying to analyze here. Fuck.

3) The emergence of Vincent Jackson as a superstar receiver in this league!

Professional rebuttal: Now you’re just being silly.

All right, well how about the things I didn’t like?

1) Teams have been able to bottle up Tomlinson a lot this year. Most of his rushing yards seem to have come against bad teams or late in games when defenses tire. The O-line continues to look overmatched most of the time. They just aren’t opening the holes the way they did last year. Maybe they should take a group trip down to Adelita’s and practice opening tight holes.

Professional rebuttal: Crude. But they did do a good job of protecting Rivers in the second half, so you have to give them credit.

I have to wonder if the line didn’t benefit from Manumaleuna’s big body being in there after the Gates injury.

Professional rebuttal: Blasphemer!!!

2) That cheap shot on Gates.

Professional rebuttal: Well, he did appear to be getting up.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Professional rebuttal: Chillax, bro.

Did you just fucking tell me to chillax?! That is just the gayest.

3) Nate Kaeding in the Playoffs. Come on Iowa, if you're that hurt you need to tell somebody, otherwise I’m just going to have to assume you are a choke-artist or a habitual gambler.

Professional rebuttal: Give the kid a break, he’s usually money. And all those jag-offs that give him shit for missing a 53 yarder in the final seconds of the Pats Playoff last year can get bent.

True enough. All in all, a solid win in craptastic weather. No weather in Indy, and they is skurred of us for some reason. Let’s give ‘em another reason next Sunday! Go Bolts!!!