Holy Hell...

To be as eloquent as possible about the performance of the football team last evening, it sucked. All of it. From beginning to end, with few highlights in between, the majority of the entire game just sucked. I couldn’t be less pleased with the performance of the team as a whole and it is wearing on me still to this moment. Why did we suck? Let’s highlight the evening shall we...

-Apathy. (noun) Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference. (from Dictionary.com)

Pretty much covers the entire first half performance by our secondary in general. From the stupid (and by stupid I mean stupid) holding and pass interference calls on Jammer and Florence (Drayton, who was covering his man at the time, decided to molest the receiver child like, even though he was already in position to make a play.) and Jammer’s indifference on the luck be a lady booth reversal of touchdown fortune for Hines Ward when the ‘phantom’ tackle was made. I had never seen my team quit on a play quite like that one before. Guys were just standing around looking like someone kidnapped their pet kitten, hung it by its ears in a tree and beat it like a donut filled piñata, with an axe handle. I never knew what it would be like to have a secondary with no cover corners and all safeties. At this point in the season, I think all of the starters for the ‘All Pass Interference Team’ play cornerback for us.

One thing that I hate seeing more than anything is what Bill Simmons’ refers to during the less than spectacular coaching performances of Mr. Schottenheimer. Or as Simmons would say, “Coaching with both hands clasped firmly around your own throat.” Affectionately known as ‘MartyBall’ by those who support the ultra conservative, play not to lose, colossally unspectacular offense that has gotten no one particularly anywhere in terms of winning (Chargers v. Jets 01/05). So, since we have been forced to do so, we must repeat the mantra for the offense. AGAIN.

1. We must run the ball with Ladainian. His effectiveness running the ball makes throwing it much easier. I don't care if it doesn't work perfectly every time. He must get going before...

2. Gates and McCardell get involved once the running game is established. Then the two opposing forces compliment each other and we score 40+ points.

So how do we open the game against the Steel City? Play action, play action, play action, punt. Or something similar to that, I was actively trying to drown myself in my toilet at that point and we were only three minutes into the game.

This team scores at will when they run the ball, and play loose and aggressive and utilize all of their talent across the field. This ‘MartyBall’ significantly reduces the effectiveness of a young offense that thrives on that aggressiveness and longs to make the big plays. And good lord who was around to help the offensive line adjust to the blitzes that Pittsburgh was using so effectively? Looked like the second half of the Denver game all over again.

The second half provided a little reprieve in terms of heart palpitations as we clawed our way back into the game with (f*$&!^&) Martyball, an Iowan chicken leg, and Pittsburgh mistakes. I looked at the score so prominently displayed on the television and it had us on top. ‘Wow’, I thought to myself, ‘Why does it feel like we are losing?’. Three pass plays later, we were. I almost felt relieved that we coughed up the lead like an emphysema patient ridding themselves of unwanted phlegm. I wanted to send Bhawoh (???) Jue a note telling him that I had a better chance of covering Heath Miller, than spelling his first name. That touchdown was amazing. Here comes Miller over the middle, and there’s Jue, waiting for his responsibility, and there’s the ball, and there’s the touchdown, and there’s the celebration. And it was about now, that Jue figured out that Miller was his, the only guy in his area, and he never even made a break on the pass. I have this play tivo-ed for anyone who wants to see what it looks like (pretty much resembles a bowl full of turd) from a multitude of angles and speeds. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COVER SOMEONE!!!

The offense gets credit, they never quit and marched right down the field and got on the back of our horse, albeit well into the fourth quarter and a smidgen late, and scored to snap the lead back. The two point play was unsuccessful, although, I liked the motion of Gates out into the flat to draw the coverage from the middle. I generally like run plays more than pass for these two point jobs, but I thought Gates one on one on the outside might be a good match up. So, we ran it into the teeth of the defense. Not our worst play call, but certainly not our best effort at trying to WIN GAMES!!! It’s really funny to me that the games we have won, we have gone out to actually win the game. The games we didn’t win? The games we played not to lose.... Coaching Staff? Coaching Staff? Questions for you from the smart ass in the back of the room....Simmons wants to know if you can talk with your hands wrapped around your vocal chords like that...

Last Drive Summary...

Kickoff, Good Return

Pass, Pass (4th Quarter and still no one is covering Hines Ward, oh by the way, their best receiver) Quarterback gets hurt, fat guy runs, fat guy runs, kicker kicks, we lose. On national television.

(Unnecessary vulgarities and temper tantrum removed for content inappropriate for children)

Other things I didn’t like:

John Madden and Al Michaels constantly repeating how awesome San Diego is and how everyone and their seventeen children and grandparents should exhume pets and loved ones and move here next door to me.

For the love of God message to the NFL and Paul Tagliabue:

I would much rather see commercials with Al Pacino and whatever that guy from Dazed and Confused’s name is, in a completely implausible movie about sports betting and gambling and all the debauchery that is associated with things of that nature, than to watch Tim McGraw perform that awful 10 year old song about nothing without even having the consideration for us to bring his hotter more talented wife into the screen with him while he whines and squeals his way through a weekend roundup of football. Note to Paul, changing the words and making them relate to football EVERY WEEK, doesn’t make me like Tim McGraw, country conservative horse puckey or anything associated with country music, Nascar, and or wholesome country attitudes. It makes me hate country music, people from the country, Nascar, and makes me go to bed at night wishing that gonorrhea would befall Mr. Hill causing his wife to leave him for a twix bar and a weekend with Axl Rose.

We are going to try not to lose to Oakland now...