Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Aftermath...

Well it was the first of the season’s two bouts with all of the awful that is the Raiders. I cannot truly express my disdain for the Raiders, let’s just say that they are the Yankees of football. With the possible exception of the 49ers, there may not be a more hated team in this house. So, I thought that I would compile my thoughts as the game elapsed so that one could get a feel for what is going on in my head during a game with the aforementioned group of football players.

Sunday afternoon recap begins now…

1:15- Kickoff. I hope that the Raiders get hurt. All of them…

1:17- Hey, it’s our first penalty. Good start boys.

1:18- Tomlinson gets his first carry of the day. Gets no where. But at least he is getting the ball early. Good sign, now if somebody can tell the offensive line to block, we’re in good shape.

1:24- Eric Parker just got absolutely blasted. That looked like fun.

1:25- Still going to Tomlinson. Not doing much yet, but he looks fast.

1:31- Well, I have officially again determined with a lot of painstaking effort that the Raiders really suck. They are just terrible. Are they too dumb to realize that they need to cover Tomlinson? EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY knows that. Did I say that everybody knows that? Seven nothing good guys…

1:37- Somehow, our secondary picked off a Kerry Collins duck. Bwhao (sic) got a pick. Now people are going to think that our secondary is just awesome. That’s right, you can’t throw it against us!! (did that come off as believable at all?)

1:39- Well, I’m convinced that Ladainian is the best in the league. Give him the ball on every play. Every one. I mean it. Well, except for those times he is tired, cause the backup is the second best in the league and I’ll stand by that. Turner the Burner. He’s a favorite.

(side note: I am not at all in support of calling the Best “LT”. Not in favor of a nickname that is associated with hookers and crack. And, I am not swaying at all, yet, but, man there are a lot of letters in Ladainian Tomlinson, spell check always yells at me that it’s not spelled right, and it’s a lot of freakin’ letters. If I cave and start calling him that, somebody remind me of this with a punch in the nuts.)

1:41- Penalty #2. Holding on Gates. First profanity of the day. It was the big one. The one that begins with the letter between E and G. And now they are calling timeout. Somehow manage to avoid profanity # 2, only because I need to hit the john and it gave me the commercial break to do that. It also gave me the opportunity to think about McCardell dropping touchdown passes against the Raiders. Profanity #2 uttered now.

1:46- Well, if you know you can’t stop the Tomlinson, you shouldn’t even try. Fine, don’t try. He’s number twenty-one in your programs and number one in your hearts. I heard somebody say that once. Oh, and the Raiders might break easier than a Hilton in front of a video camera. “We should be filming this”, “Well, okay.”

14-0 good guys…

1:49- First mention by Steve Tasker referring to our awesome secondary.

1:54- Ass Hats gain 32 on a curl route. Ass Hat receiver breaks 946 tackles along the way. Ladies and Gentlemen our secondary!!!!

1:55- Nice work letting a broken team back into the game. Way to go. Nice work boys.


2:06- Fu(^!@$ Martyball. First sighting of that garbage today. *%*@$$.

17-7. I even get mad when we score.

2:10- Ummm….was that an earthquake???

2:10- I hope that wasn’t like a 12.6 in L.A. or Indonesia or something. Gotta go change my shorts now.

2:21- Tomlinson is still good. I thought once the second quarter started that he might not be good anymore. But, he’s still good. Announcer just calls the Raiders defense a “speedbump” in front of the Chargers. We’re the baddest speed bump in the league.

2:26- Shots of drag queens at an alternative lifestyle bar. Oh, no, those are just Raiders fans. And I am pretty sure that if Darth Vader liked football, he sure as hell wouldn’t be a Raider fan…

2;27- Now he throws touchdown passes too. On the season if you are keeping track, he has two. Two touchdown passes. And, now we are toying with them…24-7.

**** Halftime*****

2:51- Randy Moss has a sore groin and won’t be returning to the drumming. He probably pulled it last night.

3:05- More Drag Queens…Guys with painted faces, wearing dog collars and spikes and leashes. Ummm… very interesting fan base. We are playing the Hillcrest Raiders.

3:17- First trick play. Reverse. Oh, God, Brees is looking to throw a block. OH GOD!!
Nate, get out there!!! 27-7.

3:33- Okay, here are the details. The Hillcresters scored. But no matter. We’re pounding them. Oh, and thanks go here to the WORLD CHAMPS, for getting pummeled by the Jake Plummer led Broncos. Thanks WORLD CHAMPS. Thanks.

3:43- Penalty #4. False start. Out of an Oakland timeout. Sloppy work guys. Go from third and three to third and eight. Are we trying to blow leads for fun or what? And now Brees gets sacked. Profanity laced tirade directed squarely at the television.

3:44- Muffed punt prompts Tasker to say that the receiver, “Misjudged the ball like an outfielder.” Cause that’s what outfielders do. Misjudge the ball. It’s a skill.

4:01- Kerry Collins is doing his pro bowl impression of picking apart our secondary. He is throwing the ball all over us. Somebody needs to make a play before the t.v. gets it.

4:03- Heeeyyyy, Cheerleaders!! Oh my the Raiders have uggo cheerleaders. It’s like they skipped the recruiting trip at the local strip club and went straight to the prisons and mental hospitals. 27-14.

4:06- Everybody! It’s Rap Artist, Actor, Writer and all around Superstar, ICE CUBE!!!

4:06- Profanity. Lots of it. Prompted by Tomlinson fumble. Profanity. Oh, there’s a red hanky on the turf. We’ll wait…

4:09- Still Waiting. I think he’s down. I think if they reverse this call, the Drag Queens might revolt and someone could get killed with a lipstick and a leash.

4:10- Hey it’s our ball!!! Tomlinson doesn’t fumble. I can’t believe they actually reversed the call. And in just a shade under an hour. Now, somebody run out the clock before I get mad.

4:19- Victory formation. I hope they run my favorite play. Snap the ball and somebody kneel down. Game over. We manage not to squander another lead. Good for us.

Things I Noticed:
-I haaate Martyball.
-The Raiders suck.
-I hate earthquakes.
-The Raiders suck.
-I like this team when they play to their strengths.
-I hate Martyball.
-We broke them and they caved. The Raiders suck.

Good for us. Now let’s try to keep McNabb from throwing for 500 against us this week.

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