The Red Pill

So, tonight ends the preseason for our beloved Chargers with a final scrimmage against the San Francisco 49ers. This is an interesting game if only for the fact that the Chargers have said Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates will see time. Last week, Norv decided to sit his two most important offensive players, in a game every other team views as a dress rehearsal for starters, rather than to subject them to Jared Allen and the vaunted Minnesota Vikings defense. Seriously, how did Allen get 22 sacks last year? Do opposing teams refuse to watch tape on the Vikings? Baffling. Dude was one Brett Favre gimme sack away from the record! Anyway, the Chargers sat Rivers, and it was a good move as sexy back-up Charlie Whitehurst was harrassed for the entirety of his time on the field. And tonight Rivers and Gates will be up against the best defense from last year's NFL. Of course, most of those starters will be on the bench. In street clothes. Or in a bar. Or wherever starters for other teams go for the fourth preseason game. I guess the thinking is that if Rivers and Co. beat up on the 49ers back-ups, the fans will get excited and buy tickets so that I can watch home games on TV. I like it. But seriously, does that inspire real confidence in you Chargers faithful?

I have shouted from the mountaintops my very generous prediction for this season of a 6-10 record. Honestly, though, I think we should all prepare for 12 losses. Let me tell you about a conversation I recently had with a couple of other Chargers fans I know. Whilst tipping back a few refreshing beverages with these friends of mine the conversation turned, as it is wont to do, to the upcoming football season, and more specifically to how our dear Chargers would fair. 10-6 type predictions were thrown about with no regard for the actual physical existence of the team and coach on the field. One gent went so far as to say 12 wins wouldn't be overly surprising, tempting me to inform the bartender that his innebriation had hit the tipping point, so to speak. Let me pause briefly to tell you a little something about yourselves, Chargers faithful (you fellow fairweathers like myself may cover your ears if you like). You want to believe the Bolts are that team that whooped on the Ravens last year and not the actual team we have been fielding for at least the last three years. You want to take one game against a team with road issues all last year and rewrite history with it. But the dirtiest part of your little secret is that deep down inside you know it isn't true. You know what team you have. You know who your coach is. Your GM. Your owner. Because...after all of this Chargers braying I offered my two dear friends each a wager of $50-an entirely unoffensive amount, really!-that the Chargers would not put together more than a mere 6 wins on the coming season. 6! Needless to say of myself and my friends, none of us will be any the more richer or any the more poorer for that bet at the end of the season, because alas there were no takers. Sad story. True story.

 And do you know what AJ will say when we lose 12 games? He will say it's your fault. He will say the fans pushed for more free agency signings and more transparency. He will say that if he and Norv had been allowed to operate the way they wanted to operate, that they would've righted the ship rather than run it aground and straight into a dynamite factory.

Let us list some of our woes for giggles and shits, what say you?

Ryan Mathews: Oh brother is this guy an injury problem. My God, doesn't it start to feel like he's trying to get hurt? He seems optimistic for his chances of a swift return to action, but doesn't this just feel like the kind of thing that is going to cast a long shadow over our season, because...

The other RBs: Suck. Ronnie Brown is more injury prone than Mathews and this is the guy Norv likes. Brinkley. This is probably the guy fans want because they've seen him before. For like, one game. McClain, Battle? Oh my, this unit needs to get it together, because...

Philip Rivers: Has looked really pretty shitty so far this season. I don't think he should be allowed to throw the ball to Robert Meachem anymore since nothing good ever seems to come of that, but if you've ever seen Norv's playbook it says right there on the front page "First and foremost Troy Aikman QB#1 must force the ball downfield to Michael Irvin WR#1 at all times. But if he doesn't throw to Meachem, who can he throw to, because...

Receivers: Malcolm Floyd is one overextension away from missing 3 games (this guy makes Mathews and Brown look like a couple of regular Cal Ripkins) and Eddie Royal ain't no juggernaut either. That guy was one of our most vaunted offseason signings and has yet to get on the field. I guess a proven guy like that doesn't need any tune-up play, sort of like...

Offensive Line: Jared Gaither. This guy has been out for a month with back spasms. Back spasms?! What the Hell are back spasms and how do they keep you from playing football?! Back spasms are a sort of Hallmark for lazy guys who hate to practice and think they can show up week one and play themselves into shape right away. Those guys are alwalys wrong. Always. And don't look now, but Hardwick and Tyronne Greene are hurt too. And do you realize how bad your line has to be for you to be that upset Tyronne Greene isn't in it? Antonio Gates is going to have to line up standing next to Rivers if Rivers is going to have any chance of finding the time to throw him the ball. It's called a hand off.

And now for the defense, who I actually believe will me our strength this year, at least by comparison to the offense. These poor saps got raked across the coals last year while the offense went around happily coughing up the ball one way or another for the entire season. Look closer and there were some things to like about this unit. Eric Weddle, even though he has a real problem with haircuts and not sounding like an a-hole, really acquitted himself on the field last year and I have to give him credit for that. Antwan Barnes had 11 sacks in limited play last year and didn't bother to shout it at the local media every chance he got. Just quietly did an exceptional job. Donald Butler has all the makings of a solid playmaker. Quentin Jammer continued to be a solid presence in the secondary, despite the fact that fans crucified him for getting beat up by Megatron. Who doesn't?! Some fans. But Jammer has to be good, because...

The other DBs: Antoine Cason is so bad. Just so not very good at all. Painful to watch at times. And Gilchrist? Well Gilchrist only did an adequate job of standing in for Cason at times. Thankfully, they've got...

Safety: A rookie safety to lean on back there with Weddle. Oh, I think they signed Atari Bigby too and he's got a sweet throwback name so what's not to love? Well, all these guys need to get it together, because they're going to see a lot of action while...

Defensive Line:  We put the weight of our defensive season on the shoulders of a rookie. No way that can backfire.

So there you have it. Enjoy the season. Look, I hate to be so negative here, but I watch my friends spend their hard earned money on tickets and official merchandise and I read what the local media writes and listen to AJ on the radio and I feel like the only person in the whole world who knows that we're in the Matrix. Come back to reality, it's so cold and refreshingly desolate. Go Bolts!!!