Thursday, August 16, 2012

Lazy Theory Has No Legs; Sits Down, Takes a Load Off

Jared Gaither has missed 14 straight practices due to "back spasms." Now, our friends at the UT cannot mention these "back spasms" without comparing them to earthquakes, because have you heard Gaither is a big man? He is. It's all they talk about over there. He's huge. He takes up three spots on the bench, the man is so big.

Jared Gaither has been referred to as "The Big Lazy" in some circles and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey MC, that's the problem right there! This guy isn't suffering from debilitating "back spasms," he's just lazy! Why hasn't anybody pointed this out?!" Well, I'll tell you why. Because it's wrong. Prepare to be scienced.

Gaither was released by two teams last year and has been quietly referred to as "The Big Lazy" by industry insiders. That alone puts his lazy rating at a whopping +6! Add the fact that he's 6'9" and very big boned and that rating skyrockets to a mindboggling +9. Ryan Leaf barely tipped the scale with a lazy rating of +4.5. So far, the lazy theory is a strong one. But the Chargers were aware of this fact, and were far too savvy to take a chance on someone with a lazy rating that high. The first thing the Chargers did was to remove any kind of competition for the LT position. This fosters a confidence in the lazy player that experts will tell you can knock 2-3 points off a players lazy score. Minimum! Then, and this is crucial, the Chargers paid Gaither not to be lazy. Reports have Gaither's contract as having around $7 million in guaranteed money, with easily hittable escalators-even for the laziest of the lazy-that would bring that figure up to $12 million. Each million knocks one whole point of a players lazy rating. So, even on the low end, with no escalators and minor non-competition factors Gaithers score should dip all the way down to +/-0. So there you have it. Gaither is not at all lazy. In fact, his possible -6 lazy rating means it's likely that he is very highly dedicated to the game of football and that nothing short of true incapacitation would keep him off the field.

Damn back spasms.


CJ said...

Thankfully, you got to this before I did. My mental post was full of much more vitriol and far less humor than this saber-like analysis. I feel so much better about the guaranteed money going to the twice cut tackle that played four good games replacing a guy with a broken neck. That's three more good games than Jyles Tucker had before getting his guaranteed money. Amazing that we'll suspend a guy like Gates for wanting to be paid, but A.J. will meet Gaither with boxes of cash at McDonalds. Back spasms. Sheesh.

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