Thursday, August 09, 2012

If Acee Could Only Clone His Heart So He Could Love Weddle Twice As Much

Today Kevin Acee contributed yet another in a long series of fluff pieces about Eric Weddle to the UT. Of, course, Weddle went a long way towards proving the doubting Thomases out there wrong last season-myself included-but dammit, Acee's going to beat the stragglers into submission with more effusive praise than any ordinary man can take. Although it starts out a little rough:

“It’s kind of been like that my whole life,” he has said (these exact words) to me more than once. “I never get the respect I think I deserve. It’s fine. It’s gotten me where I’m at.”

First off Acee, quotation marks already mean "these exact words" unless otherwise noted. If you need to up that word count, just go with what students have been doing since the dawn of essays and say that everything is very very whatever. Anyway, as far as player quotes go, this is kind of bitchy. I'm going to go ahead and assume he was asked a leading sort of question, but this answer-while pretty standard on the surface-does nothing for my impression of Eric Weddle. Too bitter. But wait!

This is not to portray Weddle as bitter.

Well, never mind then. Weddle love-in? Back on!

If I were forced to pick just one Chargers player to clone, it would be Weddle. It would be a tough call, since I’d take Rivers as my quarterback 20 times out of 19. But not only have I seen Rivers run, I’ve seen Weddle play quarterback. He did at times in college. Also punted and held on placements. Played a little running back, too.

Please, all of you criminal masterminds out there, never force Acee to clone just one Chargers player! See, this is the problem. This is the kind of paragraph right here that destroys any last vestige of credibility Acee could even pretend to have. I'm not talking about yet another obnoxious round of verbal fellatio directed at Weddle. No, I'm talking about choosing Rivers as your QB "20 times out of 19." If that is the case, then you sir, are stupid as charged. Rivers has put up fine numbers over the years. But what has Rivers accomplished, really? Sure, you could try to blame Norv, but Rivers loves Norv. So clearly Rivers doesn't think that's the problem. And Rivers was pretty bad when it counted last year. So, you'd take Rivers right now over anybody else? Also, the verbal fellatio directed at Weddle is pretty terrible. Although Nick Canepa agrees with Acee.

Even when I referred to Weddle as Dough Boy a few years ago, it was out of a sort of marveling appreciation. He was so instinctual, so driven, so knowledgeable that he could overcome looking like a dude who wrote about sports rather than a guy I predicted back then would one day become a Pro Bowler.

Holy crap!

Not that I was at all concerned this man of mettle would lack motivation for ’12 anyway — he is, above all, interested in a legacy that includes being a Super Bowl winner — but motivation certainly was provided last month when the NFL Network finished its “Top 100” series without a mention of Weddle.

The fucking nerve! Now I'm glad that Time Warner told the NFL fuck off. Clearly, the NFL Network has its head up its ass. Like a mile!

Anyway, this article was just a little over the top for my taste-oh my God, there's a second page of this shit!

“It was a slap in the face,” he said when we talked the day after the final episode aired. “I mean, you always go out there wanting to get the respect of your opponent. It’s like, ‘Dang, I’m not even in the top 100.’ ”

Okay, that's Weddle talking. I want to believe he said all of this with a smile on his face, but man does that sound bitter. I mean, settle down zippy, it's not like Jacob Hester cracked the top 100 ahead of you or anything and you are basically the same guy as far as I can tell. And maybe the NFL overlooked you because your team choked on dick last year and didn't even bother to make the playoffs in a division where 8-8 was the bar.

Whatever, the only other members of the 2011 All-Pro team to not be voted into the top 100 were kicker David Akers and punter Andy Lee.

And do you hear them crying about it?

Please, please understand this column is my creation. Oh, it’s all true. This is who Weddle is. But his words are simply responses to my questions. If you walk away perceiving Weddle as selfish, you’ve missed the point.

Leave it to Acee to go out calling the readers idiots for not getting it. That's how you know the column is "AJ approved." No, no, no. That isn't how it works. You don't get to just say I missed the point. In fact, it is you who did not prove your point. You painted Weddle as selfish and bitchy with your presentation of his words. And you set the stage for criticism by offering no criticism of your own. It's funny, you became a columnist and said that now you can really tell the truth and get out there and write the stories you want to write. Yet here you are, writing the same crap you always wrote before.

This final quote by Weddle is actually very good, and it makes me believe that my earliest inclinations-that Acee was leading Weddle into looking like a self-serving crybaby by injecting his own arrogance into the tone of the article-were true:

“It’s nice to get recognized and have it be appreciated how far you’ve progressed and how you are as a football player,” Weddle said. “To win is always the No. 1 goal, but if you’re not striving to be the best, what are you playing for?”

Because then here's Acee:

With Weddle, it’s a rhetorical question.

Ugh. Can we get some real writers in this town?

Packers-Bolts tonight in the first of four games that will remind you that football is not really back yet. Enjoy. Go Bolts!!!

1 comment:

CJ said...

Holy fuck this is sitting on a running wood splitter frightening.