Monday, January 07, 2013

Turns Out There's Still Football On...

So, in flipping through the dial on my ole TV machine, I was delighted and amazed to find that football apparently goes on even after the Chargers have blown their season and their crybaby coach has thrown management under the bus even though they had no excuse to keep him in the first place. And I don't mean football in the sense of meaninless college bowl games like the As Seen on TV Pocket Hose Bowl. I mean actual bona fide NFL football. I guess they call it the Post Season or the Playoffs or something. Anyway, it's very exciting, because one loss means you're out instead of having to slog through 16 weeks to meet your certain demise like some crappy football teams I won't mention by name here, but here's a clue-look at the name of the blog! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to talk about some of the exciting things I saw during this special extra football extravaganza. On to the wonders!

Cincinatti @ Houston
The most notable thing about this game was the way they trotted out JJ Watt and Arian Foster for interviews after the game, but somehow managed to forget to interview the Texans kicker, who supplied a whopping 66% or so of the Texans offense. Probably gonna have a little more trouble kicking your way to victory against the Patriots, who murdered you with touchdowns earlier in the season. Touchdowns are almost always a superior gameplan. Cincinatti, that was one of the least inspiring, least inspired performances I've ever seen. It never ceases to amaze me the way that Andy Dalton manages to forget he has arguably the best receiver in the league on his team for huge chunks of games. At least make AJ Green the holder on kicks so he can see some action. Do you hear me, Marvin Lewis? Green needs more touches! I kind of wanted Cincy to win this thing for no reason I can put into words. Maybe it's because you never hear the locals complain when you shorten the name of their city like those jerks up in Frisco do. Anyway, the team I wanted to win lost, and you're about to find out that is a prevailing theme for the weekend because next up...

Vikings @ Packers
The Vikings went back to Lambeau a week after defeating the Pack to make the playoffs, but this time it appears they forgot to "pack" their Quarterback. Rimshot! Enter Joe Webb. Just kidding, please don't. Oop! There he is, coming in anyway. Is no one going to say anything? The Joe Webb/AP running clinic looked pretty good for most of their first drive and then somebody was all, "Wait, can that guy even throw the ball?" and the answer was no, and you started to wonder if the Packers threw last week's contest, but how is that even possible because no one knew Ponder wouldn't play until like 90 minutes before the game and he is not as bad as Joe Webb and that should tell you how bad Joe Webb was. Sooo, the Packers came out and showed the world how much better they are when they're worse than they were last year, and Minnesota never really stood a chance. That made me 0-2 on caring, but 2-0 on secretly knowing for the games so far.

Colts @ Ravens
Sunday brought Ray Lewis and the Ravens, whom you will never convince are a very good team. Ever. Three Lombardis would not sway me. This team is twice as bad as it is sometimes good sometimes. But this was the beginning of Ray Lewis' swan song and he did not disappoint. I counted a tackle, a jump on a tackle that someone else made, credit for a tackle that was really just another case of jumping on a tackle another guy made, 2 sweet dance routines and an egregious drop of an interception-which is actually pretty good, because Eric Weddle once did that like 9 times in a season and AJ Smith made him the highest paid safety in the league. Anyway, the announcers, all the pundits and Ray's family assured me that it was a solid effort. A lot of you may say I've got a real hater complex against Lewis, and you are right. I have a hard time reconciling with guys who were involved in mulitple murders and walk away with probation and a fine. And regardless of what the NFL pundits say, no, Ray was not "acquitted." Look up acquitted. Anyway, if it makes you all feel better, I hate OJ more. Anyway, Andy Luck and the Colts ran into the Mr. Hyde version of the Ravens on Sunday and that monster chewed 'em up pretty good. Makes me 0-3 on feelings. Sad me.

Seattle @ Washington
Last shot at redemption. But who did I want to win? Well, I like RGIII as much as anybody, I guess. And I hated Seattle for a large chunk of my life as they hung around in the AFC West being just good enough to regularly prey on all the horrible Chargers teams we fielded between healthy Dan Fouts and Stan Humphries. Seems pretty obvious who I'm going for then. Ha! Switcheroo! Beast Mode negates all animosity and Shanahan negates all good will! Who knows, this might have been a different game if Shanny hadn't trotted out busted RGIII to put his career on the line in his rookie season or if RGIII had been healthy enough to go in the first place. My favorite part of this game was when Aikman said that RGIII must've been healthy last week because he found it hard to believe that Shanahan would risk the team's franchise QB like that. To which I said, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhaha!" Good one, Troy! You're so gullible, Troy! Tell me how Norv Turner is a genius again, Troy! That one's my favorite." Anyway, no one was really sure Seattle could handle it on the road, and now they know and Atlanta is crapping their shorts because they are just the type of lie that a team like Seattle exposes in the playoffs.

So with that, I went 1-3 for being happy. And you know what? It was enough. Because Norv and AJ are gone. And that's all I ever really needed to make me happy anyway. At least until we hire Denny Green or Steve Marriucci.

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