Friday, February 01, 2008

What Super Bowl?

The years after the strike back in the eighties were bleak football years for me. Our scrubs had predictably outplayed our actual pros and we were in the middle of a long stretch of suckage with no end in sight. On top of that, I was a dumb teenager, hopped up on hormones and prepared to rebel against whatever pointless thing that made happy all the unthinking robot people who could never understand the depths of the universe in the same way I could. Fucking sheep! And so football was, for all intents and purposes, more or less dead to me until the point not too long after high school when I realized that not only was I no smarter than most, I was much more stupid than nearly all. Then Bobby Ross and Stan Humphries and Beathard before the feeblousity came along and saved us all, and I've never really looked back, preferring instead to believe that I, in fact, believed all along. So what does all this have to do with what's happening right now? I have never been so completely devoid of feeling toward football in my life as I am right now. Not during those dark ages mentioned above and not even in the womb. I would say that I desperately want both the New York Giants and The New Englands Patriots to lose, but since that is impossible, I guess I just don't care. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have an opinion.

Let's start with the vaGiants. Everybody in San Diego has some kind of misbegotten hatred for Eli Manning. Wow, get over it. Sure, it's natural to be spurned, but you also must realize that in other parts of the country, people honor their fathers and indeed look to them for guidance well into their 20s. So, fuck Archie Manning and not Eli. When you were in your early 20s, were you rocking good decisions left and right? And it's not like we had a lot to offer. Fuck off if you're trying to tell me you knew we'd go 12-4 that year. Bull. Shit. The best part is that, regardless of what the paid sports jerks are writing this week, most people (and just about everybody in San Diego) believe that we won in that deal bigtime, so what's with all the crying and whining. As for reasons to hate the vaGiants, you all can do better than that. Shockey and Plexyglass are both loudmouth jerks and the fans, Gawd, the fans are the second worst bunch of footballs cockbags on the planet.

Which brings us to the Pats. Talk about your shithole fans. My God, most of these people believe that the Patriots are 2001 expansion franchise. They are brash, in your face, in your community locusts that can not be stopped. And now they're on the cusp of perfection. I don't personally have anything against Tom Brady that falls outside the realm of blinding envy. And right up until I saw Junior wearing one of those stupid little newsboy caps that make people look like a really cool penis, I though it would be nice to see him get his jewelry. It's those fans though, that time and again turn me off. They call their quarterback Tom Terrific for Christ's sake. Just typing that made me break into a berzerker fury of air kicks and punches. If these fuckers go perfect, you might as well start following the Arsenal, cause football will suck for you in San Diego. Let's say the Bolts win the Super Bowl and you try to enjoy the moment in a random bar in San Diego. Good luck, as every Boston jerk-off in the bar has to remind you of their perfect season. Have a perfect season? They did it first, ya fackin' poseurs! Once perfection is achieved, what is the point? Sure, it's exhilarating still, but can anybody tell me off the top of their head who, besides Sir Edmund Hillary has ever peaked Everest?

I knows that it's fun to say the NFC is the AFC's little bitch and all, but it's time to put that and your hatred for Eli aside. You really have no logical choice but to root for the Giants this Sunday. Fuck history being made and fuck Tom Terrific! Besides, most Giants fans move to L.A. from New York, so you don't really have to hear too much about it. Hey, I guess I care more than I thought! Ahh, screw it, go plague!!!


CJ said...

Well ask Drew Brees and I'm sure he'll tell you this torn labrum shit is for the birds and it's all I can do to wipe my ass with one off handed wing than post around here right now. I should be recovered from the surgery sometime in the next 9 months or it may be a fucking decade for all I know...

Anyway, in case you needed more evidence of the cock craving nature of the Patriots fans, here is an actual verbatim conversation I had with one of the fine ball whores that have been fans since 2001...

Cock whore: "Blah, blah undefeated, undefeated."
Me: "Dude, where you from?"
CW: "New England."
Me: "???"
Me: "Um fucko? New England isn't an actual fucking place you can be from, Hey! I'm from fucking Southwest Regional America!!! I root for earth!!"
CW: "Um...(whispers) new hampshire (trailing off)"
Me: "Did you say New Hampshire? I thought I heard New Hampshire? Get the fuck out of here you pasty fucker. Go back to rural fucktard land where your folks had too much Jameson's and made the mistake fuck that became you."

No really. That happened. And now I have to root for the Giants. Or Tequila. Yeah, its gonna be tequila...

Blogust said...

If they do go perfect then there is only one option left.
Two preseason games
18 regular season games
who is with me on this one?

Maximum Colossus said...

Don't be surprised if the NFL goes to a 17 game season before too long. Right now only two teams will be playing outside the country every season, but if it works out, I expect Goodell to push for every team to have a foreign game each season. Going to 17 games would make sure no one lost a home game. Once London sees the Chargers next year, they'll be sreaming for an annual game!

Maximum Colossus said...

Sreaming? That's supposed to say ass reaming. Sorry.