Sunday, October 06, 2013

Return of the Quick Hits! Open Letters Edition...

So, in an effort to revitalize this space and after some time perusing the archives partly out of nostalgia and partly out of an attempt to brighten this place up in what is quickly nearing our tenth year of documenting our collective successes and failures here, it's the return of an old bit. The Quick Hits. Bullet Points. Ludicrous speed. GO!

  • Dear Houston Texans fans burning Matt Schaub jerseys. Are you that far removed from remembering what things were like when David Carr was the quarterback? Perhaps you'd be happier with a Matt Leinart reunion? Listen to yourselves. If you really think Schaub is the one and only thing preventing you from the Super Bowl, start your car in a closed garage and think about that for an hour. Or pick up Josh Freeman. Something about the grass being greener seems apropos here but the weather in the hell of Texas prevents grass from growing.
  • Dear Cleveland, despite being in first place which is ridiculous in and of itself, your train will be derailed in spectacular fashion in very short order with Norv conducting. The wreck will be unlike anything you've ever seen and there likely will be extensive collateral damage. Wait. You're Cleveland. You're used to this. You're probably actually hunkered down in your bomb shelter already. I guess this was better addressed to the media who for whatever reason has begun the Norv propoganda machine to get him rehired as a head coach. Woes in advance for that team.
  • Dear Oakland, hire a groundskeeper that can make your dual use field playable in less than a lifetime. Your baseball team is not winning the World Series so just give up and turn the field over to the pathetic football team full time. Dirt infields for football is probably part of the reason Darren McFadden has missed more games than he's played in his career. Idiots.
  • Dear Jacksonville, either move to Los Angeles or trade MJD because you're going nowhere. You're not even in a rebuilding phase. You're in a holy black hole death spiral of suckitude. Time to reassess the roster and stack up draft picks. Why is a lowly blogger having to tell you this? Don't you employ an actual football general manager? You are currently redefining embarrassing.
  • Dear Media, to those still perpetuating the idea that Baltimore is the defending Super Bowl Champion and that it's so strange how many also rans and rookies are beating that team. If you truly believe that Baltimore is trotting out the same roster that won the Super Bowl last year, you are trying to fit a square premise into a round hole. Wow! The Broncos destroyed them in their playoff rematch! Yes. They did. A) Because that victory last year was a fluke and B) it's a completely different team! Who believes this stuff you try to sell? You should take the same advice I gave Houston fans about cars and garages. 
  • Dear Ken Whisenhunt, I forgot the one thing I wanted to say about your play calling last week against the Cowgirls. I couldn't put my finger on it but the word I left out in my recap was "brilliant". Don't let it go to your head, but what you did last week was nothing short of brilliance. Please keep your finger on the trigger. 
  • Dear Chargers, please, please take it to Oakland tonight. This is a team that thrives on broken plays and weak secondary play. It will not be pretty. Just run up the score and try to kill Terrelle Pryor or Matt Flynn on every play and we'll be just fine. Please don't make me stay up late having another cardiac condition. Thanks in advance. 

Happy footballing Sunday folks. May your bets be prosperous and your fantasy teams be, well whatever you want them to be. See you on the flip side of Monday for victory formation. Go Bolts!

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