Set a Course for Panic!

Did everybody see that super cool space map that NASA put out yesterday of all the giant meteors flying around the galaxy just looking for a piece of sweet Earth pie? Here it is and it is some pretty sweet Doomsday nightmare fuel. But judging from the fan reaction to last night's Chargers game it doesn't even rate as all that disturbing. Well, let's just take a deep breath and remember our NFL mantra for this time of year, which is..."It's only preseason." Doesn't that feel better? Way better than our late season mantra over the last few years of..."Is it over yet?" Now, in the warming light of day, let's break this down and see if we can salvage some good from the rubble, or whether it's time to just fold up shop and finally submit to the sweet release of soccer, wear there's nothing to think about and everything is always wonderful because who the fuck really cares?

First Team Offense: Well, first off, the really good thing is that Ryan Mathews looks great so far, even if one of our local writers who shall remain named Kevin Acee thinks that Mathews needs to break more long TD runs in a quarter of action before we can really consider him a solid NFL rushing threat. His 5 yards per carry seems impressive, but it's totally not somehow. I don't know if I'm going to link Acee's articles anymore, because I hate that I might be sending him traffic. Anyway, Mathews looks solid. Only problem is, when Mathews hasn't been busy fumbling the ball, being injured or languishing in AJ's doghouse, he's always looked solid. No matter how good he looks we're all going be biting our nails every time he touches the ball. I swear at one time I thought his arm actually fell off last night. Another positive is that we looked solid in that hurry up for about a full minute. Then the wheels fell off. Let's talk about Rivers. I'm still not as down on Rivers as the rest of the world and it seems like paid writers everywhere already had their Rivers is awful Madlibs at the ready. That INT he threw, by all media accounts was another atrocious example of Rivers forcing bad throws into heavy coverage. Keenan Allen was awash in a sea of Bears' defenders to hear them all say it. The reality is that, while it wasn't technically PI, Allen got run over and the ball sailed into the arms of Chris Conte (worst name in football), who was behind the play and would have had no shot at the ball were Allen upright. The real issue that Rivers encountered is the same one he faced last year and that is a line that had real problems protecting him. Three sacks on twelve drop backs is not good, even if you want to argue that on at least one of those Rivers held on to the ball a lot longer than is safe with any offensive line. My God, it got so bad that Hacksaw was calling for Telesco's head this morning because Louis Vasquez got away! Settle down everybody! This line is still learning to play together. There are a number of new pieces and they're going to need a few real games to set their place and gel into a cohesive unit. And let's not forget that the Bears are eager to see how their offense will function without Brian Urlacher, so they weren't playing the regular kind of bare bones defense you typically see in the preseason. They were bringing it in preseason week two, and our starters-who had a single series of action in week one-were clearly not prepared for that.

First Team Defense: I think the best news here was that Jay Cutler was only able to get the ball to Brandon Marshall. Problem there is, it's not like you don't know they're going to that guy. Meanwhile, Matt Forte and Michael Bush-who should be a Charger, dammit!-were busy doing what I like to call "Pretty Much Whatever the Hell They Wanted." This defense is thin and it's only getting worse right now. At one point last night, after a Jay Cutler sack, Corey Liuget was wrything on the ground in apparent discomfort before the cut to commercial and I didn't say a thing about it because let's face it, haven't I jynxed this team enough? The T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. ESPN crew never mentioned it either and I was seriously hoping that I imagined the whole thing, only to find out that Liuget did indeed get hurt on the play. Not sure how bad it is yet, but we really can't stand to lose too many more first string defensive players. I think it's safe to say Larry english might never come around (Seriously, I know that's hard for you all to hear.), and while I have moderately tall hopes for Manti Teo (Seriously, fuck punctuation in names. No more apostrophe for you Teo.), I hardly think he's going to carry the load himself. Donald Butler, you're cool. We okay. Overall, the defense, though, wasn't quite as terrible as it seemed. Yes, the Bears starters put up 14 and Forte rifled off a big gainer, but being hampered by 4 offensive turnovers in the first half will lead to some of those sorts of unintended consequences. I'd say the jury's still out on this one. Well, maybe the jury's mostly in, but there's still one guy in the bathroom and everybody is waiting and guess what? He's the jury foreman!

Depth Chart: This is so hard for me to say, but well done Chuck. You threw the ball well and outside of that initial snap fumble, you acquitted yourself big time after last week. The problem with that is now I'm going to have to hear from the locals that it's time to give you a shot, Chuck, and I think we both know how that would ultimately turn out. As I said last night, the script was flipped. Our back-ups were great, where our starters looked completely removed from the action. Especially on offense, where we ran and passed at will for much of the second half. The defense was passable and gave us an opportunity to win the game. The preseason game. Ah, who cares? Good on you, though, back-ups. Good on you.

Special Teams:

Oh dear Lord. This is gonna be a problem, isn't it? We can't cover kicks to save our lives. The company line is that we've been giving a lot of back-ups and rookies a shot to make the team and so the coverage is replete with inexperienced boobs. I have a hard time swallowing that, since most teams populate their coverage squads with back-ups and rookies anyway. If that were a real game, Devin Hester would have run back 8 TDs last night. And holy shit is Goodman a terrible return man! Did he get past the 16 even once last night? Best play Robert Meachem has ever made as a Charger was telling Goodman to sit his ass down in the end zone last night.

There it is. There's some good in there if you look for it, and there is unquestionably some bad. But let's not pile on just yet. Were this a Norv team we'd be screwed because you know he'd be trotting out the whole playbook already like he's probably already doing in Cleveland right now, and that regardless of the lack of success he'd be unable to make adjustments. McCoy and Whisenhunt and Pagano are not Norv and by all accounts they are guys who know how to make adjustments. And some of our most interesting players have barely seen the field yet, if at all. Don't tell me you're not excited to see what that shifty little bastard Woodhead will add to the offense. Game 3 is around the corner, and that's where we're going to get a long look at the starters. If you still feel the same way after game 3, I'll understand. As for me, I will continue to chant my mantra and thank my lucky stars that no matter what happens, Norv Turner is in Cleveland and that is pretty far away. Go Bolts!!!

Anybody Here Like Chargers Football?

This 2013 San Diego Padres season got pretty exciting for a couple of weeks. I even bought a new hat. Then it got all Padres on us and I remembered that baseball sucks because the league doesn't even try to hide the fact that it loves a handful of teams unconditionally in the name of tradition, so I turned my thoughts back to my one true love, football. More specifically, San Diego Chargers football. Oh, I admit, we've had our differences over the last 6 or 7 years, but things were great for like 3 years before that. And then they were pretty bad again for like 5 or 6 years, but then the Superbowl happened and we were never so into each other as we were that year. Then it was kind of touchy for about 12 years, but for 3 years before that, near total bliss. And then it was pretty terrible until I was born. Basically, peaks and valleys like any relationship.

Anyway, the team this year really went all out in trying to win me over again and I gotta say we're experiencing a bit of a honeymoon phase right now. I'm giddy. First they showed up on my doorstep with a heart-shaped box containing the heads of Norv Turner and AJ Smith, and let me tell you, that's a swoonin'. Really that's all it would've taken, but for months after that they showered me with gifts. Just look at this list of delectable treats the team thrust upon me.

Ted Telesco - Dreamy. Look, I'm well aware that most of the success of the Colts over the last decade is a direct result of having Peyton Manning as their QB for most of that time. I mean, look what he did for the awful Broncos. Turned them from an also ran into a postseason choke job waiting to regurgitate a win straight into the mouths of a baby Ravens team that had no business even being there and who then somehow went on to win the Superbowl. But when I look into the face of Ted Telesco, what I see is a man who is not AJ Smith. That's good enough for me. He can't possibly hold the kind of contempt toward the uneducated, untested masses that AJ did. I have yet to hear him call the fans idiots, and that tells me that the team philosophy at least, has turned a corner.

Mike McCoy - Alright, I'm not terribly thrilled with yet another attempt to turn an offensive coordinator into a head coach, but even I have to admit that this guy has been able to mold the gameplan around the pieces he has and not vice versa. McCoy seems capable of making adjustments, and that is something Norv was either incapable of, or refused to do. When your offensive line is shot, it's time to call some plays that don't take 8 seconds to develop. When I hear McCoy speak, he does so in an even, level-headed way. He's not the smug prick Kevin Gilbride-another offensive coordinator who imploded bigtime when the Chargers gave him a shot-was, and he is not the mumble mouthed loser Norv was. I'll take it!

Ken Whisenhunt - I like Whisenhunt. I have very little to back that up. I just do. Seems like a badass. He's coached some pretty good teams. I mean, how do you not like the Whisenhunt hire? It's a very agreeable move in my book. Maybe the most unheralded and underrated move we made this offseason.

Dwight Freeney -  A necessary last minute injury replacement, Freeney is a spectacular pick-up for this team. I'm amazed that people aren't more excited about this. For crying out loud, some of you people got excited for Takeo Spikes! Last year when AJ signed Jared Gaither to take the spot of two injury retired pro bowl linemen people got very excited because, as the local media was all to happy to remind us, he was as big as a house. Or a mountain. Or a planet. Something big. What they refused to report on was that it was widely known just how lazy and inclined to injury Gaither was. Later, when Gaither sat out most of last season, the local media tried to pin it all on us fans for not completely hating the move right when it was made ( I'll admit I did not hate the move, but I was baffled at the time that it was the only move we made on the o-line last year). The point is, the old guard around here made bad moves and refused to do their homework or really listen to anyone at all, while the new regime went out and got a guy who's universally adored for his tenacity and work ethic. Freeney will be a leader in the locker room who knows how to win and loves to play the game. Jared Gaither loves sandwiches.

Derek Cox - Admittedly, I know little about Cox's work, but by all accounts he's a solid corner and there's no doubt that with the departure of Jammer, Cox will immediately become the best corner on our roster. Honestly, our secondary still kind of worries me, but hey, they're trying.

Danny Woodhead - It's been quite some time since the Chargers had any kind crazy white guy factor on the team. Tim Dwight? With Denver putting together a roster comprised alomst exclusively of crazy white guys on offense, we're gonna need Woodhead to be a big contributor. He brings a Sprolesian skill set to the backfield that can only help to open up the running game. Word out of camp right now is that Rivers is throwing underneath like never before, so don't be surprised if the stands are full of Woodhead jerseys by midseason. And not just because it's basically another word for boner.

The Offensive Line - Never before have I been so excited to see an influx of players I've never heard of before. The offensive line was our number one issue last year by a mile. Sure, lots of people will say it was Rivers or Mathews, but honestly, those guys had little chance to live up to expectations behind a line the likes of which we saw last year. Even before Gaither quit, the line should have been a concern for anyone who was paying attention, and yet I heard very little about it from the Charger faithful. Everywhere I turn this year,though, fans are telling me how worried they are about the offensive line and it boggles my mind. Sometimes as fans we get excited by names we've heard before. Jared Gaither, Eddie Royal, Robert Meachem, Takeo Spikes, the Baltimore Ravens defense... The reality is that sometimes it more important to find the right fit. On the offensive line, having as many fresh, experienced bodies as you can find is often more important than having guys whose physical stats blow your mind. Telesco & Co. have spent this offense collecting players who've been there before. And plenty of them. If one guy breaks down this season, all is not lost. I have no doubt that this line will keep Rivers on his feet and open holes for the running game like we haven't seen around here in a couple of years. Once again, these guys are a great mix of fresh and experienced and those qualities are so often underrated in football.

Those aren't the only gifts I received in the off-season, but you get the picture. This team went out of its way to get me back and right now I'm all in. Sure, there were some losses. The most notable being:

Shaun Phillips - I've said it before and I'll say it again, being the leading pass rusher on this team since the downfall of Shawne Merriman is not much to hang your hat on. Phillips made up for whatever he contributed on the field by ever being the quotable cancer when the chips were down. Would I have held onto to him for the right price? Sure. Do I care that he's a Bronco now? Nope.

Louis Vasquez - A solid young player who was somehow elevated to a legendary status because he was rated as the top free agent at his position. Forget that there aren't usually too many pro bowl type free agent lineman roaming around free agency with their hands out. I, like everyone else, would have loved to hold onto this kid, but his departure is not going to set the tone for our season. If our fortunes turn sour, it's probably not because we lost a promising young guard in the offseason. Even if he did go to the Broncos.

Quentin Jammer - Also went to the Broncos. What gives, Broncos? Anyway, this is the guy I think we'll miss. It is my belief that Jammer was that quiet leader in the locker room who led by example. I think we'll miss that kind of presence with the infusion of young talent we have on the defensive side of the ball. It is also my opinion that Jammer is still a pretty good corner. The fans in this town started turning on him over things like getting blown away by Calvin Johnson and that's hardly fair. Has Jammer lost a step? Yep. But he's still solid more often than not and right now he'd still be the first or second best corner on the team. His situation here in San Diego reminds me so much of Trevor Hoffman's last couple of years with the Padres. He'd still put up strong numbers for a closer, but he'd always have a real ugly two or three game stretch and the fans would start calling for his head. Never mind the team couldn't hit or that the owners slashed payroll like-I don't know, insert Friday the 13th reference here-, it was all Trevor's fault that the Padres faded back into obsurity. We're going to miss Jammer and he's going to do something to remind us that we miss him.

There are some other things we still need to talk about before I can really trust this team again, though. Will Ryan Mathews show up in a contract year? Can Philip Rivers turn it around? It's impossible to say for sure right now, but I think the new guys have put a team together that gives those guys every opportunity to make it their year. I'm excited to see the return of Vincent Brown and the emergence of this kid we drafted with the Raider hat. I'm excited to see if Manti Te'o (sp?) can bounce back from the tragic death of his fake ex-girlfriend and his horrible showing against Alabama to become the kind of presence we need to anchor our defense for years to come. I'm just excited for football in a way I haven't been in a long time.

Last year's horrible, injury and laziness ridden team won 7 games, and that says a lot for the talent that remains on this roster. Especially Rivers. I have to believe the mere subtraction of Norv is worth 2 or 3 more wins and the upgrades to our roster have got to be worth 1 or 2 more than that. I'm calling it right now, on the record. I've looked at the schedule and I'm confident this team is not rebuilding. This team will win 11 games this year and compete for the division. And if the awful Ravens managed to win the Superbowl last year, well then the sky's the limit for us. Nothing is beyond our reach. Get ready, because this is gonna be a fun year, people.

Go Bolts!!! God, it's been so long since I really meant that.

Brent Musburger: There Outta Be a Law

As I'm sure you all know by now, once renowned football booth talent Brent Musburger has become a drooling psychopath, bent on the humiliation and objectification of women everywhere. During a broadcast of the BCS Championship game, Musburger somehow must have wrested the camera from a nearby cameraman-presumably beating the cameraman bloody in the process during a testosterone fueled assault-and panned it lasciviously over Albama quarterback AJ McCarron's girlfriend, Katherine Webb. Mussberger went on to comment unabashedly on the attractiveness of the current Miss Alabama pageant title holder, quite possibly while rubbing his old man nipples in the most offensive way possible. Viewers at home probably thought that the local affiliate had accidentally switched footage to an episode of the Howard Stern program.

As of press time there appears to be no law to regulate the acknowledgment of beautiful women by old, creepy and most importantly, male sports broadcasters-surely a Congressionary oversight-, but one can only hope heavy fines and suspensions are pending. Someone has to think of the children!This is not the America we all dream of.

Breaking Update: Apparently sports news sources have tracked down footage of Musburger making a horribly degrading comment about Florida State Seminoles fan, Jenn Sterger some years ago, as she innocently watched her favorite team play while tastefully decked out in a bikini swim suit and "daisy duke" shorts. She never asked for this sort of attention. The following footage is not intended for children or those suffering from anxiety:



Shocking. Jenn Sterger, you may remember, achieved notoriety largely for being somehow spotted in the stands at Seminoles games and again later for receiving pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

Be sure to catch our upcoming feature, Old Men: Why So Gross?

Telesco: The Profile

Lucky you, I have finally received what is probably an advanced copy of the UT’s upcoming expose of Tom Telesco, by none other than beloved local sports columnist Kevin Acee, possibly.

Tom Telesco: Man, Myth or Legend? All of the Above

The first time I laid eyes on Tom Telesco was a few years ago while the Chargers were visiting Indianapolis during the regular season. This was at a time when Norv and AJ’s crew had Indy’s number so I was putting together a piece on how the Colts front office executives dealt with the realization that their team was sorely overmatched by the squad that AJ Smith had put together. Out talented, outcoached, Indianapolis was surely caught in the throes of a depression that likely had them on the edge of throwing in the towel against Norv’s Chargers and getting a head start on planning for the next week’s game. I was there to find out how they managed to go on.

I found Telesco, then Director of Player Personnel in Indianapolis at a local orphanage, speaking to the youngsters about what it takes to succeed in today’s fast paced world, where holding out a hand and asking for more isn’t always an option.

With a confidence born of experience I listened, enraptured as Telesco addressed the children. “Don’t think just because you’re horrible, filthy orphans with no parents that people are just going to hand you things in this life. They won’t. They’ll call you names like stupid orphans, filthy orphans, ugly orphans, orphans who can’t read and stinking, putrid orphans. And you will need to find a way to rise above being the horrible orphans that you are! Now I gotta get out of here, this place is digusting-don’t touch me!”

Needless to say, I left that orphanage wondering if I wasn’t witnessing the birth of a new player in this modern NFL, pioneered by visionaries like the Chargers’ own AJ Smith. I asked AJ if he’d had the opportunity to ever speak with Telesco, and like the aloof John Wayne figure he is, AJ merely replied, “That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.”

Fast forward  a few years,

I bummed a ride with Telesco after his initial interview with the Chargers and as we sped down the parkway blasting Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" in his rented Lexus convertible, I felt a electrifying sensation I had not known in the weeks since it became apparent that AJ would be leaving. As we pulled up to a stop sign in Mission Beach-I wanted to point out some choice breaks to my new friend- a vagrant approached the car with a squeegee and a hand out- naturally! Without skipping a beat, my man Tommy T produced a can of industrial strength bear mace and fired a salvo directly in the hobo's filthy face, screaming "Get out of here, you damn bum!" It was then that I knew the Chargers had a special guy on their hands.

I called Dean immediately on the hotline-Dean’s private cell phone number that he guards with the temerity of a pit bull lording over a particularly juicy steak-and told him not to overlook this opportunity. I don’t pretend to have any influence whatsoever on the decisions of a figure like Dean Spanos, but I’d like to believe that my call at least prompted the mogul to take another look at his notes on Telesco.

So here we are and Tom Telesco is the new General Manager for the San Diego Chargers. I feel confident that Telesco is capable of leading this team into the second greatest era in Chargers history. It’s unlikely the team will ever win a Superbowl. That ship sailed with AJ and Norv. But I expect Telesco's team to place very high in the AFC West many times in his reign at the helm. And in San Diego, knowledgeable football people know that competing for the division is the noblest of NFL causes.

I don’t expect the fans to understand the complexities involved in putting together a great football team. I’ll leave that to the football men. Men like AJ Smith. Men like Tom Telesco.

Girl Fight! Girl Fight! Girl Fight!

Change is finally in motion hurrah, hurrah. We, the "angry torch toting villagers", Canepa's nice way of calling us the village idiots, have finally gotten what we wanted. The change we've been wanting since the first day that the Norv Turner era began. It's finally here! And it pisses Nick off.

You see, Nick is still of the ilk that change for change sake is wrong. That making changes sets you up in a dangerous position of failure as the next regime may be worse than the previous regime.  Don't you remember when Norv Turner won 11 consecutive games? Nick does. That feat alone is good enough for Nick to grant Turner license to further ram this train into the Great Wall of China for infinite years to  come.  Ignore the fact that he stated this season that we were the worst team in the league. Nick said and wrote it October 3, 2012, "Ugly Loss Proves Chargers Worst Team in NFL". This is where I link to the article but the rag that employs these dolts (read: Acee/Canepa) is now charging for the archived articles. When did the Spani buy the paper? How did that slip past me..?

Then we were blessed with the October 17, 2012 Canepa effort, "After Monday's Mugging What Chargers Fans Crave is 'Frankencoach'". Ha! A link! , and you'll remember that spawned this response from our own Max Colossus, and really, who would turn down a coach like that? 

Curiously, Nick posted this. A direct contradiction to his affront to the fans passionate pleas to earhole the plant masquerading as a head coach on our sideline since Marty took the proverbial fall. Take it away Nick:

They need a man who will man-up and admit his failings and not get overwhelmed by his success, a rock star who can raise the public pulse. 

Really? But what about what you said earlier?

But if Turner should go, I know which qualities the Villagers will demand to see in the next Chargers Coach. For sure, he can't be a great guy. Maybe not even a decent guy.

Go on...

In other words, the next coach must not be Norv Turner, or anyone like Norv Turner. He cannot be a prince among men.

Continue...

He must never say, "We're going to get better," because if he does he will know if he does is isn't going to happen.

But, but, but, now you're saying we need a guy that will man up and admit his failings and not get overwhelmed by his success, a rock star who can raise the public pulse? Isn't that what we were asking for when you got all pissy and called us the village idiot? Weird this world of internets where everything is permanently on display.

Picking on Nick is getting rather low brow lately, let's shift gears. Our other troll Acee today writes that Nick is full of shit and that what the Chargers need is a winner! A winner you hear! Not a face. Face bad. Winner good. Acee go!

Sure, John Gruden or Mike Holmgren would sell tickets right away.

That's bad why?

A coach will excite enough people enough that they'll buy tickets. But it won't result in a cash infusion that would single handedly eradicate blackouts, or, say, offset the cost of such a big-name coach. And, certainly, such a bump would be temporary without the right results.

So, a town that has passionately been begging for a group that cares about winning, who you believe would immediately, just on name alone, buy tickets to see such a new group, would not be best served by a person that would inspire this behavior? Because, the buying of tickets that are currently going unsold would not offset the cost of bringing in such a coach? And, an immediate bump in ticket sales all by just putting someone who is not Norv Turner on the sideline would only be temporary without the right results is bad how? We're we so rich in the right results that the wrong results now would be so devastating? This is more of that change for change's sake is bad because it might not work rhetoric these two dolts love to throw in your face.

Let's simplify. People aren't going to games. They clamor for a good reputable coach. Hiring a reputable name coach would immediately sell tickets and boost the confidence of the fans that buy tickets. But that would be bad. And temporary. And wouldn't even pay the salary of that coach. Does that sound strange to you?

Acee goes on to name Lovie Smith, Ken Whisenhunt and Bruce Arians as other options. Clearly they are not highly sought after name coaches that are hot commodities around the league currently. They are under the radar. No one knows about them. Shhh!

And then there is this gem.

But, they should not go for the big name just for the sake of doing it.

What the fuck does that even mean? Bruce Arians is one of the top names in coaching right now! He single handedly piloted the anti-cancer bomber that eradicated disease and led the woefully young Indy team to the playoffs in his ill cohort's stead! Big name? BAH! DON'T NEED IT! WE NEED SOMEONE UNDERSTATED LIKE VINCE LOMBARDI! THERE'S A NAME NO ONE IS SAYING TODAY!

The point of this is that Acee is fighting to discredit Canepa at every turn. I didn't realize it until recently. With all his "unnamed sources" within the organization incorrectly guaranteeing him people will be terminated. He's positioning himself to be the go to media guy here when the new regime takes over.

This in and of itself makes this angry villager want them to hire Gruden or Holmgren even more. I love watching Acee backtrack and grovel. It's so cute.

Welcome to what's going to be an awfully awful offseason Charger fans. Just wait! We're not even contemplating the draft yet! This is going to be so fun.

Turns Out There's Still Football On...

So, in flipping through the dial on my ole TV machine, I was delighted and amazed to find that football apparently goes on even after the Chargers have blown their season and their crybaby coach has thrown management under the bus even though they had no excuse to keep him in the first place. And I don't mean football in the sense of meaninless college bowl games like the As Seen on TV Pocket Hose Bowl. I mean actual bona fide NFL football. I guess they call it the Post Season or the Playoffs or something. Anyway, it's very exciting, because one loss means you're out instead of having to slog through 16 weeks to meet your certain demise like some crappy football teams I won't mention by name here, but here's a clue-look at the name of the blog! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to talk about some of the exciting things I saw during this special extra football extravaganza. On to the wonders!

Cincinatti @ Houston
The most notable thing about this game was the way they trotted out JJ Watt and Arian Foster for interviews after the game, but somehow managed to forget to interview the Texans kicker, who supplied a whopping 66% or so of the Texans offense. Probably gonna have a little more trouble kicking your way to victory against the Patriots, who murdered you with touchdowns earlier in the season. Touchdowns are almost always a superior gameplan. Cincinatti, that was one of the least inspiring, least inspired performances I've ever seen. It never ceases to amaze me the way that Andy Dalton manages to forget he has arguably the best receiver in the league on his team for huge chunks of games. At least make AJ Green the holder on kicks so he can see some action. Do you hear me, Marvin Lewis? Green needs more touches! I kind of wanted Cincy to win this thing for no reason I can put into words. Maybe it's because you never hear the locals complain when you shorten the name of their city like those jerks up in Frisco do. Anyway, the team I wanted to win lost, and you're about to find out that is a prevailing theme for the weekend because next up...

Vikings @ Packers
The Vikings went back to Lambeau a week after defeating the Pack to make the playoffs, but this time it appears they forgot to "pack" their Quarterback. Rimshot! Enter Joe Webb. Just kidding, please don't. Oop! There he is, coming in anyway. Is no one going to say anything? The Joe Webb/AP running clinic looked pretty good for most of their first drive and then somebody was all, "Wait, can that guy even throw the ball?" and the answer was no, and you started to wonder if the Packers threw last week's contest, but how is that even possible because no one knew Ponder wouldn't play until like 90 minutes before the game and he is not as bad as Joe Webb and that should tell you how bad Joe Webb was. Sooo, the Packers came out and showed the world how much better they are when they're worse than they were last year, and Minnesota never really stood a chance. That made me 0-2 on caring, but 2-0 on secretly knowing for the games so far.

Colts @ Ravens
Sunday brought Ray Lewis and the Ravens, whom you will never convince are a very good team. Ever. Three Lombardis would not sway me. This team is twice as bad as it is sometimes good sometimes. But this was the beginning of Ray Lewis' swan song and he did not disappoint. I counted a tackle, a jump on a tackle that someone else made, credit for a tackle that was really just another case of jumping on a tackle another guy made, 2 sweet dance routines and an egregious drop of an interception-which is actually pretty good, because Eric Weddle once did that like 9 times in a season and AJ Smith made him the highest paid safety in the league. Anyway, the announcers, all the pundits and Ray's family assured me that it was a solid effort. A lot of you may say I've got a real hater complex against Lewis, and you are right. I have a hard time reconciling with guys who were involved in mulitple murders and walk away with probation and a fine. And regardless of what the NFL pundits say, no, Ray was not "acquitted." Look up acquitted. Anyway, if it makes you all feel better, I hate OJ more. Anyway, Andy Luck and the Colts ran into the Mr. Hyde version of the Ravens on Sunday and that monster chewed 'em up pretty good. Makes me 0-3 on feelings. Sad me.

Seattle @ Washington
Last shot at redemption. But who did I want to win? Well, I like RGIII as much as anybody, I guess. And I hated Seattle for a large chunk of my life as they hung around in the AFC West being just good enough to regularly prey on all the horrible Chargers teams we fielded between healthy Dan Fouts and Stan Humphries. Seems pretty obvious who I'm going for then. Ha! Switcheroo! Beast Mode negates all animosity and Shanahan negates all good will! Who knows, this might have been a different game if Shanny hadn't trotted out busted RGIII to put his career on the line in his rookie season or if RGIII had been healthy enough to go in the first place. My favorite part of this game was when Aikman said that RGIII must've been healthy last week because he found it hard to believe that Shanahan would risk the team's franchise QB like that. To which I said, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhaahhaha!" Good one, Troy! You're so gullible, Troy! Tell me how Norv Turner is a genius again, Troy! That one's my favorite." Anyway, no one was really sure Seattle could handle it on the road, and now they know and Atlanta is crapping their shorts because they are just the type of lie that a team like Seattle exposes in the playoffs.

So with that, I went 1-3 for being happy. And you know what? It was enough. Because Norv and AJ are gone. And that's all I ever really needed to make me happy anyway. At least until we hire Denny Green or Steve Marriucci.

Farewell and Adieu, Jerkbags!

I've been pretty silent on this whole firing of those two idiots who ran our organization into the low end of mediocrity. Mostly, because it's anti-climactic at this point, and there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said.

I guess I could note that Norv couldn't help but let the fans know that the next guy probably won't turn it around too quickly (Why? Did Norv leave a bomb somewhere in the locker room?) in a mishandled effort to tell us angry villagers to give the next guy the benefit of the doubt. Seriously, does eveybody in Chargers Park actually buy into that Canepa schtick?! It's like none of these people can understand why all of the villagers were so angry. Is there any greater proof that these people were too stupid to be in charge of anything?

AJ took it much better, actually taking blame for the collapse. In fact, he went back and retroactively took the blame for last season's collapse and the one before that too. Basically, he said-and I'm paraphrasing here, of course-"I was the problem all along. I can't believe the idiot fans didn't see that."

I don't really know who our next GM and coach will be. I was actually surprised to see that Dean hired Ron Wolf-as respected a front office guy as there's ever been- as a consultant in his search for a new GM. That indicates he is actually considering trying to turn the team around here in San Diego, rather than later on in L.A. That also means that if L.A. isn't already in the works then there really does appear to be a chance this team stays in San Diego. Of course, if he just ends up promoting Jimmy Raye anyway, then Wolf is probably just a cosmetic move by Dean to appease the NFL by showing that he at least is not going door to door and telling the fans to get bent right to their faces.

As for a coach, well their's no shortage of capable replacements this time around, so I don't want to hear the local UT die-hards complaining that no one can fill Norv's genius jock. Whisenhunt, Lovie Smith. Those guys have been to Superbowls in the modern era. I wouldn't mind either one. And there are plenty of others. Jim Mora's out there, and I have been pretty up front about how I feel about that guy. There are several coordinators still playing that could fit the bill (I will say that a lot of people are talking about the Broncos Offensive Coordinator, and to those people I have to ask, "You do realize the Broncos signed Peyton Manning, right? That's him under center. He's the one running the offense. Just so you know."). Anyway, it's a magical time right now. That time when anything is possible. The time right before Dean hires Denny Green and we all become soccer fans.

I actually think the most interesting thing will be to see what becomes of Norv and AJ after SD. I'm sure they will both land gigs. As my father says, the NFL is a club. Once you're a member, your usually a member for life. It's why it's so hard for bright up-and-comers to crack the ranks and it is why the idiots over in the UT forums were all so certain keeping Norv and AJ was the right thing to do last off season. Norv is still a respected offensive coordinator, presumably because Troy Aikman keeps telling everyone he's a genius without also reminding anyone that Norv got his genius card during the uncapped era of free agency that allowed big market teams like Dallas and Frisco to farm out all of your favorite players and create juggernauts that looked like all-pro teams as they beat down the rest of the league like it was full of Division II high school squads. There should be an asterisk on that era. It was worse than the steroid era in baseball if you ask me. And it is the reason Norv Turner continues to be awful after awful and still land a job. There's talk he could even end up back in Dallas and that would be poetic indeed. Perhaps no other team in the league is better designed to run Norv's unimaginative, mistake heavy, they'll-never-see-it-coming offensive scheme than Dallas.

As for AJ, I imagine AJ would love to go to a division rival like KC, thinking he could then get back at all of the angry villagers for running him out of town just because he turned a monster of a team into a 3 time failure in the course of a few short years. Yeah, yeah, he built it. He built it if you don't count the contributions of LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates and Drew Brees. Then yeah, AJ totally built that awesome team we were all sure would have 2 or 3 rings by now. Anyway, I'd welcome beating up on an AJ twice a year. And KC would be a good landing spot for Smith because there aren't any ex-Chargers there that I can think of, and I have to imagine that anywhere Smith goes, all ex-Chargers would just quit. Alas, The Chiefs haven't gotten around to firing Scott Pioli yet, so that looks like a longshot. And Denver and Oakland aren't hiring Smith, so he'll probably need to go peddle his brand of evil outside the division. I'd love to see him go to New Orleans and finally finish Drew Brees' career like he should have done years ago, but that's unlikely too. If there's any justice in the world, AJ will end up in Buffalo or Cleveland, where there is no hope at all. Or under a bus.

Wherever Norv and AJ go, I want to wish them the worst of luck. Hard feelings, y'know. I am bitter. Take Acee and Canepa with you.

Anyway, enjoy this wonderful time in Chargers history. You've all earned it by continuing to care about a team so ugly that it should be buried upside down in the snow. Happy stinkin' New Year, Charger fans!

BTW, I have to give credit where credit is due. I got that picture off of KSK where it was attached to this great piece.

So That's How It's Gonna Be, Football?

It's the day after Christmas and by all accounts AJ and Norv have not yet cleaned out their offices so either Santa didn't get my letter or Dean had him shot down over Ottawa. Ottawa because Ottawa is fun to say, and even just to read, but go ahead and read it out loud. Ottawa. Anyway, every moment that Dean does not fire these assholes is another minute he's telling the fans that he gives not a shit about us. When he fires them he will do so resenting the fans, knowing that without our pesky complaining he could leave these guys in charge until he finally gets his stadium in L.A. If only there was no one to answer to! In the meantime, he's going to make us as miserable as he feels for having to regard us in any way, shape or form. We are not billionaires! Why can't we just shut up and take it?! Don't we know who he is?!!!

Well, we did beat the Jets on Sunday. At least I'm pretty sure we did. I wasn't paying much attention, because I was busy watching my fantasy football team choke away the championship. Can you guesshow many TDs the following group of guys accumulated on Sunday? AJ Green, Cecil Shorts, Adrian Peterson, Doug Martin and Greg Olsen? Zero! Goose egg! Nada! Do you know how many TDs I needed out of that group to take the title, the money and to get my name on the trophy? One! Just one TD from a group of guys who've mostly been juggernauts all season! But no, instead I had to watch my season go down in flames at the hands of Drew Brees, who I didn't think I could hate more than I already did. Just goes to show, you can't count on anything.

But hey, the Chargers won.

Totally handled the lowly Jets and their 3rd string QB. And do you know why they won? No, it's not so that AJ could somehow have his job saved (although I don't care what Acee says, that is most definitely still on the table). It's because I have a $10 bet out there that the Jets would be better than the Chargers, with the head-to-head being the tie-breaker. Now I need the Chargers to lose to the Raiders and the Jets to beat whoever or I'll be out in that regard as well.

My point is, football was so out to get me this year.

I Am Amazing!

So, however many years ago it was-seems like a thousand-that the Chargers fired incompetent playoff loser Marty Schottenheimer a lot of people were asking me who I thought we should hire as the coach of the Chargers. My answer to that was first and foremost, Jim Mora. Jim Mora, whose career in Atlanta was killed by Mike Vick, much like Andy Reid's with the Eagles is presently being killed. Jim Mora, who never got a shot in Seattle because look how shiny Pete Carroll is! Anyway, I'd say Jim Mora and Charger fan would say, "Oh my God you're so stupid" and roll their eyes because Charger fan sucks and then the organization went and hired incompetent every day loser Norv Turner instead. Then, through all the years Turner was busy nice-guying our team into the abyss and backing us away from the edge of the pool of success until we were buried under old barcalounger cushions in the poolhouse of failure, people would say, "Well who would you rather have? There is no one in the world who can do the job better than Norv Turner, so let's all stay the course like a bunch of dumb assholes." And I'd say, "Jim Mora's out there," and everybody'd roll their eyes and say, "You're an asshole! Jim Mora sucks because ESPN said so" or some such dumb bullshit.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. I'll tell you. A lot of talk is going on about the next Chargers coach and guess whose name is being bandied about quite a bit? That's right, Jim Mora you jerks! Suck it. I pray that this happens. Sure, he's getting the keys to a Datsun parked where our Porsche used to be, but I still think he would make all the haters and Norv apologists look as stupid as they are. I can't wait. I'm working on creative new ways to say "I told you so" already.

It's Only Gonna Get Worse

If you'd like to know why the Chargers have thus far refused to remove Norv Turner and AJ Smith from their current positions as Ambassador of Suck and Emperor of Poor Decision-Making, look no further than the number one requisite for any team with an intention to move to Los Angeles:

1. A team has to establish market failure where it now plays.

That's from Peter King's column this morning and is basically straight from the mouth of Roger Goodell. It doesn't get any clearer than that. Now, I've explained countless times why this is important to the NFL, but let me refresh your memories one more time. In the modern era of football, every time an NFL team has ditched their town for GREENer pastures against the wishes of a rabid fanbase, that fanbase has eventually been rewarded with an expansion franchise. Baltimore, Cleveland, Houston are your prime examples of this. The main reason is that these teams continue to have national appeal, undeniable history and beloved rivalries. The Chargers have none of that. As fans, we think our enmity with the Raiders, Broncos and Chiefs is a big deal, yet I assure you no one else in the country gives a damn. Not only do Goodell, Spanos and all the other interested parties have their hearts set on all that sweet L.A. TV revenue, the NFL wants to erase the City of San Diego from the football landscape. They want to be able to say, "You fans didn't care about the team you had when it was there. You couldn't sell out games. Why should we award a new franchise to a bunch of fairweather front-runners like you, San Diego?" Forget that we were given a team not even a mother could love at this point. Sure, the NFL would just as happily erase Oakland or Jacksonville from the NFL landscape, and one of those teams is likely to come along to Los Angeles with us, but right now we make the most sense because football fans are constant founts of denial. It won't take much for Angelinos to convince themselves that the Chargers are a CALIFORNIA team or to remind themselves that the Bolts originated in Los Angeles. If and when it happens, don't bother consoling yourselves by assuming the NFL will make it up to us with a shiny new franchise. But you can at least take heart in the fact that we never really had a chance. The deck was stacked against us as fans the day Spanos acquired the team.

You may think I'm crazy, but watch who they hire to run this show. I'm guessing it won't be any of the guys the fans pine for. No Gruden. No Cowher. Not even Brian Billick. It will be some place holder college coach that AJ can pay a mere pittance to until it's time to jettison him and build his L.A. fanbase by hiring John Gruden. L.A. will love Gruden.

As always, I hope I'm worng.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf...

Well, well, well. For the second year, here we sit debating the Chargers merits or lack there of. For the second year, we balance precariously on the precipice of the future of this team and staff. For the second year it appears as if we've finally rid ourselves of the albatross, the elephant in the room, the 800 pound gorilla. For the second year, Kevin Acee says it so. Rejoice! Rejoice! Huzzah! We're free! 

Enter Dean, the boss, the owner's owner. Hold your horses he says. Not so fast he says. He's made no decisions about the future of the Chargers, the Norv Turner era, or the Godfather's seemingly endless reign. NO. You are not set free. Speculate all you will, but the elephant in the room and the 800 pound gorilla just sat down at the poker table and they've just anted up, the albatross tending bar. Get comfortable. It's going to be a long night.

Enter Kevin Acee. He swears the new era begins now. Forgive me for a moment Kevin. Didn't you say just this same thing last year? Didn't you? Quote, December 31, 2011 

"Norv Turner, the man whose winning percentage is tied as the highest among the 14 head coaches the Chargers have ever employed, is all but certain to be fired next week."

Hmmm. Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but you got our hopes and dreams all atwitter last season's end. You virtually guaranteed that we would be freed of all things Norv last season. And now the sour grapes because you are sourcing an unnamed source within the organization that is feeding you the same info you were clearly misled by last season, nearly exactly one calendar year ago. Forgive me if your column does not incite the amount of optimism you would like amongst us "angry villagers" (Thanks Nick! You're the best!). Perusing your archives is an exercise in inconsistency. In June you wrote, "A.J. Not Going Anywhere Even With Playoff Miss." In September, you wrote that left tackle is unimportant to the Chargers. And then there's THIS. This. To paraphrase, A.J. gave Norv the players. The free agents are can't miss. How about a direct quote? 

"I'm writing this now because I believe general manager A.J. Smith has in last month’s free agency spree and this weekend’s draft, finally done his part and at least rebuilt the engine on the Ferrari."

Do you hear that? The engine on the Ferrari has been rebuilt. Sigh. That Ferrari must have been rebuilt in that one mechanic's shop in Chula that uses cut rate parts scavenged from stolen vehicles just the other side of the border. The Ferrari started up, drove out of the garage, and the wheels came off, drifted down the street and the engine exploded in a fiery ball of suck.

So forgive me Mr. Acee if I'm not sold on your claim that things are going to change yet again. Especially when the owner of the team discounts your statements and dismisses them wholeheartedly. Mind you, I'm really excited about the prospect of this event finally occurring. Unlike Nick Canepa, I'm not afraid of moving forward and distancing ourselves from this era. The fear of moving forward is no reason to stick with a status quo that has clearly demonstrated time and time again that it will not be successful, but it has done so demonstrably year after year and the team has been trending downward since the Norv era began. You can make the claims of playoff appearances and division wins, and the overall record of the team during Norv's tenure, but you'd be manipulating the statistics to suit your argument. This era has been nothing short of disaster. How about some numbers? 2012. 4-8. 35-24. 4th & 29. Those are some telling numbers. 

So, as we meander on down the 2012 death march, we can only hope that Acee is right this year. I think he'll be partially proven correct. In no way can I see the Norv era continuing. I could see it if attendance wasn't suffering so badly. Even Dean understands that he needs to reconcile things with the fans. So, exit Norv. But, I'm still not willing to concede that A.J. goes. Why have someone else groom the son of the owner for that eventual rise to the head of football operations position currently occupied by the Godfather? Why not let the Godfather play out his contract and groom his successor? I just don't see him going. Not yet. I truly hope I'm wrong. But alas, we here at this blog have been correct more than incorrect as of late. Blah. 

So. we slog on. Pittsburgh today. 0-13 regular season record there. Ben back at the helm. Our awful offensive line further decimated by injury. Things are not looking up. 

Pittsburgh 24. Chargers 6. 

Go Bolts. 

So, Maybe You'd Like to Talk About the Chargers Instead?

Fine, let's talk about it. Let's talk about yesterday's game. Like the rest of San Diego's law abiding populace I was unable to watch the game in it's entirety. Thanks to the glory of the Red Zone Channel, though, I was afforded the opportunity to watch many of the very worst parts.

The story is the same as it ever is. Here's some highlights.

• The defense played well enough to keep us in the game while the offense committed blunder after insufferable blunder to keep the win safely out of reach.
• Rivers choked it up in the redzone...again.
• Mathews continues to confound Norv Turner being that Mathews was never on the Cowboys of the 90s, therefore he does not appear to even be in Norv Turner's playbook.
• Terrible clock management at the end of the game resulted in 4 failed attempts at the end zone when there was plenty of time and timeouts to run an actual offense and not just a desperate gambit.

And Norv Turner is still our coach. And AJ Smith is still our GM. And I suppose you could say it's because we are not mathematically eliminated from postseason play and that stranger things actually have happened, but never before have I been so certain this team has already left town. At least in spirit. I've said this before and I'll say it again. There are only two possible explanations for the inaction of ownership at this point.

A) Spanos is actually a complete moron who is completely unable to see what's right in front of his face. He's too stupid to understand that he is being played by his GM while fielding a dying product year after year. This is an attractive explanation for San Diego fans. I guarantee you that most fans think Dean is an idiot. But the guy's a billionaire, and while he may have inherited much of that from his dad, he's been running the show for a long time now and continues to make money for giving you nothing. I think the guy is more criminal mastermind than bumbling Mr. Bean.

B) Spanos has an end game in mind. He may not ultimately get there, but he is keeping his eye on the prize and the prize is Los Angeles (yuck!) and it's $Billion+ in TV revenue. This is what the NFL wants too. And both parties know that if the organization fields a winning or even likable team, that the City of San Diego is unlikely to let them go quietly. They could still bail out as others have done before them, but the last thing the NFL wants to do is award San Diego-a smaller market admittedly fair weather fanbase-another franchis like they had to do with those other towns where the team left against the will of the people. The NFL wants to erase this market. And sure, it wants to erase Jacksonville and probably Oakland too, but we are ideal. L.A. will embrace this team. They will justify it by remembering that the Chargers were born in L.A. and L.A. fans already adore living in the past. Jettison Norv and insert John Gruden and you've won that town over with very little effort. Of course, the Raiders are also ideal, which is why they will probably end up in L.A. right along with Dean and Co. Then the Chargers will probably get thrown to the Lions in the NFC.

The one fortunate circumstance for us the fans is that Norv has been so Norvlike that Dean is going to probably have to let him go or risk personal bodily injury. The unfortunate is that people continue to bandy about Andy Reid's name. And Reid's Eagles are currently vying with Norv's Chargers and a handful of other misfit toys for next year's first draft pick. Hardly feels like an upgrade. If it happens, ask yourselves which makes more sense. A or B?

Don't Even Think About It, Shark!

A 61 year-old Oregon man was bitten by a Tiger Shark while snorkeling in Hawaii over the weekend and that is not okay with me. No, shark! Bad shark! We are in charge! People! You cannot just be going around eating or even sampling people as if it is not a bid deal. I assure you it is a very big deal, so just don't. And tell all the bears as well, because bears are just awful at following rules. Even the most simple rules, like "Don't Eat People." That's one very simple to interpret rule. It's not the tax code.

All that being said, people need to stop going places where things might eat them. There is no good reason to be in the ocean ever. Shut up, surfers! You do not even get to give an opinion, because only surfers have ever told a reporter that yes, they had seen the Great White Shark swimming around all week AND ACTING AGGRESSIVELY, but were surprised that it actually made the uncouth decision to eat one of them. That statement renders everything else you say invalid, surfers! If I saw a Great White shark swimming around the first thing I'd assume is that it is town to eat people and it's not leaving until it's eaten it's fill...of people! I watch Shark Week in the mirror from another room, just to be safe. So quit going in the ocean. There's nothing there for you. It's dark and scary and not even heated! Nobody has ever been eaten by a shark in their swimming pool. I just asked Siri to be sure and she said she didn't understand the question, presumably because the idea of someone getting eaten by a shark in their pool is preposterous!

Also, never go in the woods! Never! That's where bears are! Do you know anything about bears? Let me fill you in on a fun fact about bears. They don't always eat people, but when they do, those people are almost always being eaten alive. No joke. Look up bear attacks online and be amazed and horrified by how regularly people are on the phone with their loved ones delivering all the grizzly details of the terrifying death they are involved in at the time. See what I did there with the word grizzly? Classic punnage. Bears are cocksuckers. Here's a free pro tip for all you stupid people that can't wait to go camping and won't shut up about it on the Facebook. If your campground has a sign that says 'Don't feed the bears' or please secure your food so bears won't get it' then you should leave. Because that is a strong indicator that there might be bears around. Bears love woods, so don't go there. I cut down the tree in my front yard because I was concerned that it sent a message to bears that I want them to come around and hang out in front of my place and try to resist the urge to eat me. That's a losing proposition.

Never go to Australia. Everything in Australia will kill you. You've probably heard this. You've probably joked around with your friends about how things in Australia will totally fuck you up, but stop joking. It's serious. Everything there will kill you! Here's a short list of things in and around Australia that will kill you:

1) Sharks
2) Box Jellyfishes (Ugh, fuck box jellyfishes!!!)
3) Funnel Web Spiders
4) Crocodiles
5) Black Mamba Snakes
6) Serial Killers
7) Probably some sort of colorful frog

It took me 8 seconds to come up with those off the top of my head and there are a million more. England or some European country originally populated Australia with all of their criminals because they were like, this place is worse than a prison. It is full of shit that will kill you. Let's put these assholes here and never speak of this place again. Every dumb teenager goes "Oh, I want to go to Australia and smoke a bunch of weed" and they should because teenagers are the worst and probably should go to Australia and get devoured by some horrible man-eating weed, but if you make it past being a teenager, just cross it off of your list unless you have some crazy death wish.

Here's some other places you should avoid:

1) The Arctic -Polar bears, Wolves (fucking wolves, dude!)
2) Hawaii-Duh, sharks and volcanoes!
3) West Virginia-Mutant cannibal rednecks (the worst besides teenagers)
4) Remote Private Islands-Sadistic Billionaires who want to hunt the deadliest game

Pretty much if you leave your home or office you are just asking nature to bitchslap you with a horrible death. Don't do it.

Bengals 27, Bolts 13

Week 12 Premature Evaluation

And, we're back. Time for the weekly Premature Evaluation. Again, sorry for being late, but sometimes the real job and life takes precedent over the free job that is, while fun and exciting, still unpaid and underappreciated.  However, it's time to grade each team as per usual on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course you know, I feel like being more of a dick. ONSIDE KICK!!! You never saw that coming...

1.Texans (10-1). I've had just about enough of Texas. You're prominently figured in the book I'm reading. I hate the glory bestowed on your state. Oil, guns, and open container freedom. Wait? Why do I hate you again? Pass.  

2. 49ers (8-2-1). I'm pretty sure a nervous Alex Smith is worse than the regular Alex Smith.  The new guy looks more than competent however. Pass. B+.

3. Giants (7-4).  Oh gee, look who showed up for a week to wax a real team. Now you'll dump to the Cowgirls and fall off the radar yet again. Your game is tired. Pass. A. 

4. Patriots (8-3). Offensively you're resembling 2007. Defensively you're doing the same. You'd think after a while you'd address that defensive thing that continues to fail you in crucial moments. But here we are. Pass. 

5. Packers (7-4). I'm worried that when you get this thing figured out you'll win the Super Bowl. Let's go drinking so I can slip you a mickey and ensure you don't figure it out. Fail. F. 

6. Falcons (10-1). I'm still struggling as to whether you or the Ravens are the bigger lie. I'm going with you for now. F. Amazingly you pass with an F. 

7. Bears (8-3).  I liked you more when Jason Campbell was the quarterback. It's funny that even Bears fans hate Jay Cutler. Enjoy Chicago! If anyone deserves that guy it's you. No really, it is. Pass. C.

8.Broncos (8-3). I'm actually sort of happy because I feel at least like you are somewhat responsible for spurring the change that might occur with our management. But then again, you're still the donkeys and I fucking hate you. Plane crash on three! Ready...THREE!! Pass.

9. Saints (5-6). After all the turmoil and bullshit in the offseason, I admire the way you've still managed to become slightly scary as a football team. That's high praise from me. Pass. I'd not like to face you in the playoffs. Good thing we won't have to.

10. Ravens (9-2). You're a total lie. But, we're totally bigger liars. Fourth and twenty nine. Thanks for making that a permanent part of our legacy, along with the Norv Turner era. That in and of itself makes it almost impossible to be a Charger fan. F. Die.

11. Seahawks (6-5). I want to like you so much. But I'm going to have to settle for hatred. Fail. 

12.Steelers (6-5). You're never going anywhere with Brian Sandwich and Charlie Batch. If you get Rowengartner back soon you might be a contender. He'll probably return when we play you which will be nice. Thanks for that. F. Fail. F. 

13. Redskins (5-6).  You're a good bad team led by Mike Shanahan. I hate you. Die. F. 

14.Colts (7-4). This whole media darling thing with the cancer storyline and the renewal of Peyton Manning's Colts and the Patriots rivalry is manufactured and shitty. I hate it. I'll trade you Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews for Andrew Luck. Consider it before you say no. Pass. 

15. Bucs (6-5). You're a Doug Martin injury from LaGarrett Blount. Don't get cocky. Pass. 

16. Vikings (6-5). Without Adrian Peterson, you're the Gophers including their epileptic head coach. That's not a good thing. Fail. 

17.   Bengals (6-5). Have mercy on us this week. We're not equipped to stop the Ginger to Green connection. So help me. Pass. 

18. Dolphins (5-6). Laughably futile. You're playing for nothing and it shows. Fail. 

19.Cowboys (5-6). You're schtick is even getting old. Their going to ruin the best thing about this team which is the ineptitude that Garrett and Reauxmeaux bring every week. That will be a sad day. Fail. 

20.  Lions (4-7). I'm starting to like this Suh character. Can we take him off your hands? Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews are available....think about it....Fail. 

21.Rams (4-6-1). I really feel sorry for you Stephen Jackson. But if you were like everyone else, you'd have forced your way out of there years ago. Your bad. Fail. 

22. Cleveland (3-8). I hate you and I never have to live in Cleveland. That makes me the winner. Fail. 

23. Cardinals (4-7). Looks like the Arizona desert was finally too much for Satan. He took your souls and went home. Woof. Fail. 

24.  Chargers (4-7). Oh fuck you. Fail. 

25. Titans (4-7).  You're only relevant in fantasy circles and only because of Chris Johnson. No. One. Cares. F. Fail. 

26. Eagles (3-8). There is a no Andy Reid rule in my house. I'm working to make it  state law. I swear it cannot happen. Stop trying to dump your walrus on us! Fail. If you dump him on us, you have to take Mathews and Rivers and give us Vick and McCoy also. It's only fair. We basically drafted Vick anyway. Fail. 

27. Bills (4-7). Still more irrelevant than the Jets which seems impossible. F.

28. Jets (4-7). Unfortunately, the hurricane missed. F.

29. Panthers (3-8).  The best thing about you is that new commercial with Cam Newton's child replacement. I love that commercial. F.

30.  Jaguars (2-9). HENNE! HENNE! HENNE! Doesn't have a good ring to it. Fail. 

31. Raiders (3-8). Strangely it feels like Al is still pulling the strings. Good. F.

32.  Chiefs (1-10). HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!

That's it for this week. As you're aware, the game again is blacked out and likely it's for the best. Don't sweat it, we're here to watch it for you and give you the full play by play of our ineptitude. Let's see what kind of spectacular ways we can shit the bed this week. Go bolts!!

Content

I'm a laaaaazy blogger. But seriously, what is there to talk about? The team stinks. It's not getting better any time soon. The coach remains. The GM remains. Dean's never gonna sell. Writing about it just feels like wallowing in it. Picking on the local writers has even lost it's luster for me. But writing is what you all don't pay me for, so I guess I must endure.

First things first, the game is blacked out and that is a shame. I think this game is going to go down as a brutal reminder that no one is our bitch anymore. Not Peyton Manning and not the road Ravens. Don't expect a rout like last season. Well, you probably do expect that. Most Chargers fans seem to think that team-the one that showed up for one game against the Ravens last year- is the real team. That is not your team. Your team is the one who can really only beat the awful Chiefs with any amount of consistency. Your real team folds in the face of adversity and bows down to any team with a winning record and some without. And you should all want the Ravens to murder us. Last year's Ravens game went a long way towards saving Norv and AJ. We cannot have that again. We cannot afford to have either one of those men anywhere near this team after this season and any wins down the line might be enough to at least save AJ. Of course, it's my opinion that both of them should be fired now, just avoid any uncomfortable decision making after we are officially eliminated from contention. Everyone else tells me that you clearly wouldn't fire either man until after the season, but the reasoning behind that sentiment appears to be "Because. Duh." Hard to argue with that.

Anyway, as the season winds down into nothingness earlier than it has in a long time around here, let's talk about the future of some of the local boys. Not Norv and AJ, they're already dead to me. But what might the future hold for some of the men in uniform?

Philip Rivers - Oh man, up yours, Philip Rivers. Get another "L" for your name, it's wierd looking, with one "L," like your delivery. How have you gotten so bad? Did Norv tell you to do it? I've stuck up for you. I've made excuses for you. No more. You are awful. Two years ago, no one would have thought we'd need to look for ole One-Ell's replacement, but now I say you can't get the heir apparent in here fast enough, because it ain't gonna be...

Charlie Whitehurst - What do you do, Charlie Whitehurst? What does it say on your business card. It can't say Quarterback on there. I mean, Philip's over there stinking up the joint and no one's even calling your name. Yeah, sure, people say in passing "I guess we could put in Whitehurst and see what happens," but no one is chanting your name or waving your banner. They chanted for Brady Quinn in KC. You're not even Brady Quinn! We gave you to another team and they gave you back! Just quit it, Whitehurst. Quit standing there. Go home. Everybody knows you sold your helmet to buy Garbage Pail Kids anyway.

Jared Gaither - Haha, just kidding. There's no such person as Jared Gaither. He's a ghost. Like Kaiser Soze. Those who claim to have seen him assure me he is an enormous man, but they are probably crazy. Dude's just not real.

Ryan Mathews - Shouldn't you have another "T" in your name? What is going on with this team and all it's missing letters? Anyway, Mathews, pretty much everyone is calling you this season's biggest disappointment, but I'm here to tell you that it isn't your fault. Running backs do not thrive in Norv Turner's ideal offense. Running backs need to go sit in the corner and shut up so Philip can shotput the ball to whomever is catching passes for us this week. LaDainian Tomlinson, who was once and often referred to by this unpaid writer as TBE (the best ever), wilted in Turner's offense. Darren Sproles never reached his true potential under Norv-but he did get to meet Ray Lewis once! My point is, Norv doesn't know what to do with you. You're a mystery to him. He sometimes doesn't even know if you're on the field. The fact is, you might actually be the best running back in the league, but we'll never know for sure. You never had a chance.

Robert Meachum - Fuck off, Robert Meachem. No offense. What do your business cards say? Do you go to the same guy as Whitehurst to get them done? Good job not getting any DUIs yet, I guess.

Danario Alexander - Settle down, Champ. You're making everyone else look bad. And you're making AJ look good, which is really bad. Aren't you paying attention? We can't take any chances with that guy, so go ahead and drop a couple of balls or something. But stick around, cause I have a feeling we're going to be needing you down the road.

Atari Bigby - Solid name. Killer look. Jamaican Voodoo Posse in full effect. It's not racist, it's Predator 2 with Danny Glover. Anyway, learn to tackle. You have arms, would it kill you to use them once in a while?

Quentin Jammer - Well, Jammer is getting closer and closer to being moved to Safety I think, and the only good thing that will come of that is that people will stop telling me that they need to move Jammer to Safety. That, and Jammer know how to use his arms to tackle ATARI BIGBY! Our corners are going to get shredded weekly when they finally make this move.

 Eric Weddle, Donald Butler, Shaun Phillips - You guys are cool.Way to rock two "L"s Phillips.

So there you have it. Some content. It's not great, but it's something. Have fun not watching the game. You know, unless your are a criminal! Criminals! The FBI is looking for you.

My prediction - Ravens 52, Bolts 24.

I'm going to leave all with this picture of a bottle of Melinda's hot sauce that somebody left at my house. If you are reading this and you are the person who left this at my house, you cannot have it back. It is mine now, I keep it. Everybody else should go buy some, because it is yummy and will make you feel better.

So good.

Week 10 Premature Evaluation...

First off I'd like to apologize for missing a week of prematurely evaluating the individual performances of each squad for week 9. I have an explanation, likely you do not care. I don't blame you, but since you're here, you likely have nothing to do while moving your bowels so you get the story regardless. I employ AT&T for my cable and internet services. On Wednesday, the night this post typically goes up of last week, my internet service went kaput. After multiple phone calls to India, a tech was scheduled to come by on Thursday. Thursday came and went, no tech came, no internet restored, no phone call or explanation. As you are aware, that's a whole fucketfull of fail. Had I a moment of free time, I'd take a shovel to the manager over there that told me, "Eh, it happens. We were overbooked.". Holy buckets were new swear words invented. Sadly they were wasted on someone in Bangladesh who had no idea what they meant.

So, that being said, we're back! As always it's time to break out my analyst hat (analyst dickheads) and assign grades to each and every team. You know the drill by now, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Ask AT&T how I feel. Someone in India is still crying, and not because their streets are covered in shit. Thank you come again!

1. AT&T (0-1). Bunch of fuckfaces are you. Ef. Ay. Eye. El. FAIL. 

1A. Packers (6-3). Imagine if this team was healthy. Wait. Don't. Don't imagine that at all. Let's get some arsenic in the hotel food shall we? Pass.

2. Texans (8-1). Only because you hurt Jay Cutler do you occupy the number two hole here. Otherwise you just remind me of the number two hole. Pass.

3. Giants (6-4). Oh, spare me the midseason swoon routine. You play against the Cowgirls, Iggles and Injuns. LIke you have anything to prove in that division. But still fail. 

4.Patriots (6-3). As if Tom Brady wasn't already wholly unlikeable, he's doing concussion awareness commercials for the NFL. The only concussion he has ever sustained was at the hands of Giselle as his dome was assaulted by their headboard while she worked him over with her strap on. True story. I read it on the internets. Pass. C.

5. 49ers (6-2-1). A tie? To the Rams? Seriously? It's hard enough to put aside my hatred and bias against you and then you play a full NFL game to a tie. You should lose draft picks for putting me through that. Fuck you failures.

6.Falcons (8-1). Atlanta Fraudcons. TO LEGIT TO QUIT! TO! LEGIT! TO LEGIT TO QUIT! M.C. Hammer has more credibility than you. Which I have to admit is awesome. Fail. F. That may be to with two o's. Don't care.

7. Bears (7-2).  Hi Jason Campbell! Good luck saving the season! At least you can quit your side job of shoveling driveways in Gary, Indiana now that you're a starter again! Yay! Oh, and fail.

8.Broncos (6-3). I saw a guy wearing an Ed McCaffrey jersey on my airplane yesterday. I was so torn with wanting the plane to crash for punishment for that behavior, and you know, living. I'm truly impressed with my strength to not root for plane crash. That's DISCIPLINE! Pass.

9.Seahawks (6-4). The kindest thing I can say about you is that Russell Wilson isn't Trent Dilfer. That's saying a lot. Pass.  

10. Saints (4-5). Now that you're back to your just interim head coach, you've managed to build momentum from your victory over us. Had I the power to control hurricanes, another would be bearing down on your village as we speak. I'm going to go start my truck and let it run idle just in case global warming is real. Pass. 

11. Steelers (6-3). Well, well, well. Apparently Ben nearly died. So many players are nearly dying anymore (see: Amendola, Danny) it's the new black. We'll see if you can hang on with Bryon Sandwich until Ben is off life support. Pass. D. 

12.  Ravens (7-2). Lying bunch of liars. See you at about spot 19 next week. Good time to catch your division rival and superior team when their starting quarterback looks like he ate the real starting quarterback. Pass. C. 

13. Vikings (6-4). Boy. Adrian Peterson is the only likable thing about you. You are clearly not going to make up your mind as to whether you're a good team or not. I think not. Pass. C. God Damned C students. Super Dickheads. 

14. Lions (4-5). To call you disappointing would be an understatement. However, that disappointment brings me so much pleasure. Here's to you Lions! Life is good and normal when you suck! Hooray for suck. Fail. F for execution, A for suck.

15. Redskins (3-6). Let me be clear about this. Until RGIII, the only thing people cared about was how insensitive your team name was. We're back to talking about your team name. Not a good sign. F. Fail.   

16. Dolphins (4-5). Max and I shared this exchange tonight. Max: "So, Miami sucks some." Me: "They are the Minnesota Chargers of the east." Case closed. Fail. F.

17.  Rams (3-5-1). You deserve credit for not losing to the 49ers. Except you tied. You deserve no credit for that. You're the fat easy girl in the bar at 12:45. Anyone can get to you. But they're usually to drunk to put you away. Fail. F. 

18. Colts (6-3). Seriously leveraging cancer to death aren't you? Arizona would like to have a word with you about ruining their relationship with Satan. Pass. 

19. Bucs (5-4). You probably think you're special after that victory last week. Newsflash dickheads, you beat us. Us isn't good. In fact, without us being us, you lose handily. Pass. D-. 

20. Cowboys (4-5). You're an embarrassment to the sport. But you're entertaining as hell. Pass. D.

21.Eagles (3-6). I swear to holy hell, if you package up that incompetent walrus and send him our way to coach our team next year, there will be hell to pay. I will strap knives to crossbow arrows and shoot them out of a flamethrower at you forever.

22. Bengals (4-5). I'm firmly in the camp that you are underachievers. That's no compliment. You are tigers without bite or balls. Pass. B-.

23.  Cleveland (2-7). I'm still bitter about the loss from two weeks ago. There's nothing I'm going to say that will be constructive here. Luckily, you don't do anything that resembles a professional football team constructively for that matter. So there. Fail.

24. Cardinals (4-5).  You are entertaining in your awfulness. You'd think after all these years you'd address the offensive line issues that are, well, offensive. Instead you drafted a receiver in the first round that reminds me of the guy that Seattle drafted which is weird. Your deal with the devil has apparently expired. But, you have the Falcons on tap, who we all know are a lie. Enjoy upset Sunday. Fail. 

25. Titans (4-6). The only reason people pay attention to you is to check Chris Johnson's fantasy stats. That's a sad place to be. 

26. Chargers (4-5). No one checks our fantasy stats. Our quarterback has clearly been taken up by zombies and is no longer himself. Our coach however is. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of writing the same thing for years on end. I have better ways to waste my time. I have cable and internet providers to yell at in India. To say fail is an insult to failures. But, Fail. 

27. Bills (3-6). You are the ultimate futile team. Everything you do is a colossal waste of time. Even when you win, you lose, which isn't often. The winning part that is. Fail. F.   

28. Jets (3-6).  Here you are still entertaining me with how horrible you are. Unfortunately, your owner is starting to realize it and change is on the horizon. Such a sad day in my home to know they are committed to turning this trainwreck around. Fail. F. 

29. Panthers (2-7).  Boring. Fail. 

30. Raiders (3-6). Wow. The Ravens took you to the woodshed and violated you like your dead owner violated contracts. I doubt you enjoyed that again but at the same time, you're used to it. Things you're used to become less painful over time. Fail. 

31. Chiefs (1-8). The only thing you did right was kill the Ben. That cannot erase your entire fail of a season. F. Fail. F.

32. Jaguars (1-8). They still haven't announced your move to L.A.? Color me shocked. And, a lot of people speak ill of the Chefs, but you are clearly the class of the worst in the league. Hang your hat on that. Fail. 

Again, I apologize for the delay. It will not occur again, as long as AT&T doesn't smear peanut butter on themselves and enjoy their dog in inappropriate ways again. Oh, and peruse the archives. Those around here that write this content predicted a losing streak that started with Tampa and lasts five weeks. We're embarking on week two. Keep your eyes open and your beers cold. You'll need both. Happy football everybody.

I Stand Corrected

If you've ever had the pleasure-nay, the honor!-of hearing me soapbox for more than a couple of minutes then you know that I've gone on the record as saying Tight Ends are bullshit in fantasy football and that Norv Turner is no damn genius! Well, I stand here before you humbled by harsh pimp hand of reality. No, Tight Ends are still total fantasy football bullshit , but I have discovered actual physical evidence that Norv Turner may actually be the offensive genius so many paid sports pundits tell you he is. You see, this isn't your normal half ass local sports team blog that's unwilling to hit the streets. We go the extra quarter mile here and every so often it pays dividends. I'm not going to go over all the sordid details, but Yours Intrepidly here was able to procure this discarded cocktail napkin that trusted sources assure me belonged to Norv and presumably offers up keen insight into a key facet of the Chargers offensive game-plan for this Sunday's big must win game against the Denver Fuck-os.

For those of you following along on your tiny baby smart phones that napkin clearly says, "Score 35 points in the first half." Well, history tells us that would do it. Genius. Go Bolts!!!