Running Summary...

We're running updates today all the game long. Go Bolts!! This is easy...

-Who knew Pocahants was ugly? Disney lied to me.

-Fumble by Tomlinson. Interception by Rivers. Fumble by Rivers. Great start leads to collective vomiting behind the couch.

-Did you know that the Chargers and Chiefs have their starters in the game? In the first quarter? The starters. I've been told this three times so far. Amazing that two professional football teams would use their starters in the first quarter. I'm shocked.

-I think we miss Igor the Horrible so far, as you know he's out with a 'knee'. His substitute badassness is Jaques. He has a holding penalty and an offside so far. It's still the first quarter. Awesome. Wait. I mean Fuck.

-Falling behind has eliminated any semblance of a game plan. The guys look lost. We've wasted all of our time outs, something that doesn't infuriate me at all. Can we just go to halftime right now?

-31 throws in the first half. I know we're behind but... well... SHIT!!!

-If we kick 6 field goals, and hold the Squaws to no more points we can win.

-The aforementioned field goals have to go through the uprights. Hitting them square doesn't count. SHIT!

-Hey hey!! We accomplished something successfully!! We got to the locker room for halftime without soiling our uniforms with feces!!

-Shannon Sharpe doesn't want to "Annoint Phillip Rivers the next anybody just yet." Marino sits there smugly and points to himself at which time Boomer Esiason says, "Hey, what about me?"

-Couldn't have a better kickoff to start the second half. Down 14 without the ball.

-3 and out and we have the ball. Third and short and Phillip, "uses all 230 pounds of himself to get the first down." I think he needed only 217 of them.

-McCardell gets it down to the 1, and Gates gets himself an uncontested, WIDE open touchdown. I mean, you should cover him you know? He's really a big guy, not really the type that can get lost in the fray. Unless of course you are a female indian footballing squad. This gets Phillip fired up in the best way. Looks like halftime helped out the cause. I love halftime.

-Apparently we aren't going to tackle Larry Johnson today. That's a good gameplan.

-Sam Kennison is going to have Shawne Merriman nightmares tonight. What?...he's dead?

-"Moose" Johnston. "You're seeing more pressures from the Chargers front four, which is unusual because they usually get the job done." What?

-89 yard drive by the Squaws and the lead is 14 again. Good thing the t.v. screen is bulletproof cause the 80 mile per hour flip flop did no damage to it. Okay, I exaggerated. 76 miles per hour.

Some inspiration...


-Inspiration works culminating an ugly drive with a Best Ever, Ladanian Touchdown, touchdown. Yeah, that make sense.

-4th quarter. Time to man up and handle your business team that isn't resembling our defense today. Get it together boys.

-The Chargers starting defense is again on the field. Again I'm shocked.

-What I said earlier about Larry Johnson applies to Tony "second fiddle" Gonzalez today as well.

-Jamal Williams can bench press 9000 pounds. Sammy Parker can attest to this fact. He thankfully can also drop first down passes as a result of Jamal's beatdown. We're getting the ball and the Squaws coverage units are begging for a touchdown.

-I think fair catches should be fucking outlawed. Fair catches officially suck shit.

-LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE! LET'S GO OFFENSE!

-I can't decide if I hate the announcers or the Man Law commercials more. Yes I can, it's the announcers by a nose.

-Neil Patrick Harris and Jane Seymour rolling around naked together on my television. That pushes the announcers to second on the daily hate list. I now need to disinfect my eyeballs.

-Big completion to Gates for a first down. The Squaws are challenging his prowess as a pass catcher. It's a completion from my vantage point.

-Instant Replay can go fuck itself. Right in that little booth. Punting is ass.

-8 Minutes to go. Defense? Oh Defense? How 'bout a little thing I'd like to call a turnover?

-Donnie Edwards is listening, only he couldn't catch the pig. Clock stops which is nice.

-SACK! FUMBLE! I AM THE FUCKING NOSTRADAMUS OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MARCUS HARRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUIS CASTILLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!

-PASS INTERFERENCE!!!! Really weak call that I will relish completely.

-Ladanian Touchdown can't quite get in... wait for it...fade to Gates.... no good. Still waiting for it....................................................LADANIAN TOUCHDOWN PASS TO MANANAMMANNAMMANUULUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMAAAA!!!
WHY ARE WE YELLLLLLLINNNNNNGGGGG!!!!

-LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE! LET'S GO DEFENSE!

-It's the Larry Johnson show today. 3rd and 1 is a little issue here that needs to be addressed. Sammy Parker must die.

-Big time sack makes for a 3rd and 13 at the two minute bell. Somebody better let the guys know during this timeout that Tony Gonzalez is an option here and we should probably cover him. You know, like really cover him, pressure the Huard kid, you know? You know right? Right?

-I'm fucking Nostradamus again. Clinton Hart covered the second best tight end well and we're getting the ball back. We're going to have good field position of this I promise. FUCKING FAIR CATCHES!

-Apparently a guy in Tampa kicked a 62 yard field goal with no time left to beat the Iggles. That's pretty good.

-Rivers to Parker for a big gain to the 47. Hey Nate? Through the uprights. THROUGH the uprights.

-Fuck holding.

-Screen to LTD picks up 8 and stops the clock. 2nd and long....Rivers can't find anyone and he's mobile like Drew Bledsoe. Gotta spend a timeout. Wonderful. Another sack. Just punt. Try to force overtime assholes.

-No one is covering Tony Gonzalez again. Squaws break the 50 with 18 seconds left. Gonzalez again to the 30 with 10 seconds to go. Nice work covering the former pro bowl tight end guys. We're letting the second best tight end beat us singlehandedly.

-Field Goal attempt from 48 and we're going to ice him. Glad they finally figured out that we're supposed to ice the other guys kicker and not our own.

-Kick is good, but looks like a false start and it is. My heart has not yet returned to a normal beating rhythm. I'm sweating and there's not even any porn on.

-Dickhead kicker drills it from 53. I hate kickers and tight ends and I hope they all piss themselves after celebrating a victory over our team. A victory over our team by the Squaws who are coached by Herm Edwards. Expletives won't even cut it here. FUCK! See. Didn't work.

-Since it's been a wonderfully woeful day here are my picks for the week...

Favorite Underdog

sd -5.5
jax 9.5
ne 5
pit 2
gb +4.5
phi 5
NYJ 3.5
CIN 3.5
den 4.5
INDY 9
SEA 6.5
ari 3

Monday
DAL 3.5

-Eat ass Kansas City. Eat ass.

Call Your Bookie Quick, Gambler!

This week should be easy after I handily took second place in my pool last week. At this point I don’t even know how I do it. It’s like a gift. Here’s the winners, chock full of spoilers if you’re playing the spread. Enjoy gambloholics.

San Diego @ Kansas City
Hell yeah! Let’s get right to the good stuff!
Grudge Match: Schottenheimer vs. Gunther Cunningham. Gunther still runs that shitty team, right?
Chargers 45, Chiefs 16

Green Bay @ Miami
Grudge Match: Brett Favre vs. Retirement. He handles bad teams and the media suddenly believes he’s got two more good years in him.
Packers 27, Dolphins20

Detroit @ New York Jets
Grudge Match: If you can’t see it, I’m certainly not going to point it out to you.
Jets 24, Lions 17

Pitt @ Atlanta
Grudge Match: Both teams vs. That stupid tie they had last time they might, like four years ago. Who fucking ties in football?
Steelers 23, Falcons 14

Philly @ Tampa
Grudge Match: Andy Reid vs. John Gruden. Nobody likes John Gruden.
Eggles 34, Bucs 14

New England @ Buffalo
Grudge Match: Patriots vs. The World. No one gives them any respect since they didn’t win the Superbowl again last year. I think they’re a bunch of losers.
Patriots 17, Bills 15 That’s right. Field goals.

Jerksonville @ Houston
Grudge Match: Me vs. Jack Johnson. I freaking hate Jack Johnson.
Jags 24, Texans 21

Carolina @ Cincinnati
Grudge Match: Chad Johnson vs. Steve Smith. I can’t say it enough, people, they don’t play against each other. For the record, though, Smith is way better.
Panthers 28, Bengals 27

Denver @ Cleveland
Grudge Match: Denver’s D-line vs. Their old team. Get over it, you whiney bitches!
Broncos 8, Browns 3

Arizona @ Oakland
Grudge Match: Denny Green’s ineptitude vs. Oakland’s ineptitude. I’m betting this is the most interesting game of the day. Nah!
Cards 28, Raiders 13

Minnesota @ Seattle
Grudge Match: Poison Pill Hutch vs. Poison Pill Burleson. Sorry, they both seem to be sucking.
Grudge Match 2: Fred Smoot vs. The Seattle red light district. Everybody wins.
Vikes 20, Hawks 17

Washington @ Indy
Grudge Match: Indy’s will to win vs. Indy’s will to not look very good.
Colts 21, Skins 17

Monday Night

New York vaGiants @ Dallas
Grudge Match: None. These teams love each other.
vaGiants 37, Cowgirls 20

Wow. Those are some bad picks. Good luck.

With My Best Cow Stare On.

The above is Keeley Hazell. It's nearly impossible to find a picture of her with her top on, which is one of her finest qualities. The other two are obvious. Sadly, this is a family site or more importantly, a site people look at while they're supposed to be working, so I dug up this gem. Trust me, you'll need it cause Inside the Bowels of Hell is a horrible show. Enjoy.

Welcome to what seems like the umpteenth installment of Oh My God I can’t Believe I’m Watching This Shit Again. I hope I don’t let you down, but for the life of me I have no idea what happened on the show this week. Honestly, I was there. It was on. I was ridiculously sober, and almost nothing on the program permeated my skull. Fortunately, I have almost two whole years of college under my belt. So I’m proficient at taking notes on stuff I’m not paying attention to.

Apparently, we start out with the big Denny Green freak out. You’ve all seen it. You know, “The Bears are who we thought they were,” and all that jazz. Apparently they thought the Bears were a team that could humiliate them on national television. Danny loves the fire from Greeny (I call him Greeny cause we’re tight), and of course he would. Dan loudly blamed anyone in his field of vision for things that went wrong when he played. Collinsworth, obviously forgetting that Zona takes on the Raiders this Sunday, says the Cards aren’t good enough to beat anybody. Then they show the highlights and all I know is that I don’t seem to recall quite as much Superbowl Shuffle II talk this week as there was last week. Hmm.

Philly @ NO
If you would have told me before the start of the season that Drew Brees would be engineering two key 4th quarter drives to beat the Eagles, I would have been looking for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the bushes. At which time I would have punched him in the face. See you in the Superbowl, Feel Good Story Of The Century. Ah, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Dan and Worthless think that while Brees gives Collinsworth a woody, the Saints likely won’t go far in the playoffs. It’s like these guys have never seen Ladybugs, Green Machine or even Little Giants.

Now comes the ultimate in stupid questions. Was it a mistake for the Dolphins to take Culpepper over Brees this offseason. You can make a million arguments either way, but the bottom line is yes, it was a mistake. Perhaps this will teach teams to leap into the future and scope things out before making such important decisions. Too bad it seems that no one has the time these days. Sigh.

vaGiants @ Falcons
Patrick Kerney is miked up. Whoever that is. I think he’s a defensive end, but he appears to be white, so I can’t tell for sure. Anyway all he does is grunt and groan a lot, with one jab at Eli that he totally apologizes for after the game and I’m thinking this guy is a sissy and the Falcons won’t even sniff the playoffs this year. A side note here, if you watch this, and I pray you don’t, notice that during the Vick and Co. clips NFL Films blasts some Flight of the Valkries meets Superman music, while as soon as they go to the Giants portion of the film, you’d think that ShEli was Darth Vader. Not that I’m complaining but ShEli as Vader? Well, he couldn’t be worse than Hayden Christiansen. That’s the last compliment you ever get, Manning.

Get ready, cause here’s the part where Cris Carter goes one on one with the Vickmeister. It’s awesome. I mean it, it’s the awesomest. That’s what my notes say anyway. The best part, by far is Carter narrating Vick highlights, very obviously writing his own copy. Not only does he narrate like a high school football star reciting Shakespeare, he throws in superfluous words like “basically.” Can you imagine Facenda saying, “blah blah blah, basically encouraging him to run…blah, blah, blah.” Okay, you had to be there, but I assure you it was probably funny. Anyway, Vick wants to throw more, and I can name at least 31 other teams that also want Vick to throw more. He also puts himself in the same category as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady and Donovan McNabb. I can’t even take notes when I’m rolling on the floor so I missed the rest. I do, vaguely remember something about how he daydreams about what he could do on a team like the Colts and I’m pretty sure Vick is a very popular guy in the Atlanta locker room right now.

Seattle @ St.Louis
How come nobody’s talking about this choke job? I swear I saw Hasslebeck running play action. To who?! Shaun Alexander’s not even playing right now. But, the Rams bite and that’s that. Finally, we can go back to realizing that the Hawks are going to win the Superbowl. Write it down.

Here comes Peter King, and I swear I don’t know why they trot this guy out there every week, because he has yet to say anything that anybody who pays any amount of attention to sports doesn’t already know. This weeks highlights include:

*The Department of Homeland Security says the bomb threats on NFL stadiums bare no credence.

*Tiki Barber is going to retire after this year and go into broadcasting, unless he changes his mind.

*Brian Billick and Jim Fassel were really good friends, but probably aren’t anymore since Billick threw Fassel under the bus, then actually drove the bus over him again and again.

*Moss was not traded.

*Marcus Vick has been activated (Side note here is that everybody thinks this is a big deal. I, personally think it might sell tix, but this guy is going to be such a non-factor.)

*Shaun Rogers was suspended for four games for taking a diet pill cause he’s a fat bastard and the world hates fat bastards.

Seriously, INFL, why not just go to commercial?

Dallas @ Houston
And here’s your SIS. You know you want it. This week it’s the big face-off between two rich Texan dickheads. Jerry Jones and Bob McNair. Jerry Jones starts out by saying he’s only ever teared up after two games in his life. The first one was some NFC championship game against the Niners, back when the NFC Championship was actually the Superbowl. The other was when the Cowboys lost their first game ever against the New Oilers. I say bullshit. Jones could not have possibly teared up after the second game, because by that time he had had so much work done on his mug that he no longer had tear ducts. Bob McNair brought Bush Sr. to this game as some kind of good luck charm, and the Texans got murdered, while simultaneously jerking off TOs ego. Next time get Clinton. There’s never been a luckier president.

Tennessee @ Washington
What the hell happened to Washington’s D this year? Let the Jason Campbell era begin, cause the Skins ain’t getting back into this thing. Sorry Brunell, but that’s what you get for making everybody look stupid by saying you were the next Steve Young.

The Round Table bats around the NFC East a bit and Marino, true to form, doesn’t appear to actually pick a winner. Carter picks the Eagles because of McNabb, and even though he’s right, I’m beginning to think Cris is the quiet Steven A. Smith. Collinsworth likes the Cowboys, because he inexplicably thinks TO is going to behave himself for the rest of the season. Apparently he missed the part where TO was upset that he got his three TDs in the second half. What a team player!

Dolphins @ Jets
Harrington is better than Culpepper, but not better enough. Don’t look now, but the Jets are 3-3 with their sights on that coveted best team not to make the playoffs trophy. Sorry boys, somebody in the AFC North might have something top say about that.

Retard Face-Off! Is that insensitive?
Are the Colts the best team in the NFL now that they picked up Booger McFarland from the Bucs? A lot of you probably think I’m going to jump all over the name Booger, but that would be childish. The fact is, Booger is as fine a defensive lineman as there has been in the league since John “Poopy” Parella. Anyway, Marino says the Colts would be the best if it weren’t for a little team called the freaking Chargers, and his cookie is in the mail. Carter says Denver and you don’t even want to know what’s coming Fed Ex for that guy.
Both Dan and Ass Hole Face say that Jason Campbell and Jay Cutler should stay on the bench because their teams are still in it, yet inexplicably Carter says he would put Romo in for Bledsoe right now. I guess in Carter’s world the Cowboys are out, but the Redskins, comin off a loss to the Titans mind you, are still very much in the thick of things. Go figure.
Is Holt the best receiver? Nope. It’s Marvin Harrison.
Because of the Troy Pupunu hair tackle, Chris asks the Dynamic Duo what the strangest tackle they remember was. Dan says the late Lyle Alzado threatened to make out with him. I guess Dan learned his lesson with the Daryll Talley thing. Don’t mess with the living. Carter, totally missing the tone of the question, recalls the time he blew out his hip flexor. I bet that was funny.

Picks? All but Costas take Carolina over Cincinnati and that is honestly the only interesting game they picked because the others are obvious blowouts.

There. We’re done. That wasn’t so painful, was it? There wasn't even a tear jerker of the week, praise Jesus! See you again next week, that’s a promise and a threat.

Find A New Angle, You Hack!

The above is entitled "Angel of Discontent" and it totally frightens me. I hope I didn't just curse this blog and, like let the dead in or something. Sorry if I did.
Now for some bitching:

I’ve been doing my best not to pay any attention to what area sports columnist Nick Canepa has to say regarding my beloved Chargers. Those of you who have been visiting for a while know this is because I can not stomach his unnatural man love of Chargers GM and resident bad ass ball buster, A.J. Smith. Well, as my partner in crime, CJ, likes to stoke the fires of my discontent, he was unable to control himself when he came upon Canepa’s latest, and he fired it my way. Thanks, buddy.

Basically, the piece (of shit (Lowbrow, I know, but sue me)) is a big fawning statement about the glory of the Chargers thus far this season. Now, I can’t argue with that. I too feel that Philip Rivers may be some sort of super warrior developed by the military and tested on the football field. I also believe our front seven is the obvious answer to the trivia question, “What does God fear?” So far so good, Canepa. But then it happens. Old Nicki goes back to the well and starts slobbering all over A.J.’s “genius.”

I have a hard time faulting A.J. for much in as far as he has put together a solid-nay, fucking unbelievable-footballing squad, but I’ll be damned if this guy needs some drooling sycophant constantly reminding him of how pretty his shit smells. Karmically it’s just a bad idea. I mean we all know what happens here, right? We are dangerously close to a Drew Brees engineered game winning Superbowl drive here, Nico. So please, I’m begging you, keep you lips out of this man’s ass! Maybe this little tidbit will help. You know when you and A.J. go cruising town for ass but you ultimately just end up going home together? Well, you might think what happens next is making love, but I have it on good authority that A.J. tells all of his buddies down at the La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club that he’s just using your ass til something hotter comes along. I’m sorry you had to here it from me.

Honestly, though, Rivers is good. You got that right. Go Bolts!!!

Super Quick Hit.

When the Giants go in search of a replacement for Tiki Barber, the running back expected to be near or at the top of their list is San Diego's restricted free agent, Michael Turner. -- NFL.com

In your dreams ShEli!!!

Thoughts of Mine While Attempting to Make the World a Safer Place for Your Children...

I leave this place for a couple of days to relish my propensity for picking games against the spread, and I miss teenage t.v. hookers and piss poor footballing action. I feel cheated dammit. Cheated I tell you!

Moving on, I caught a story today that has since been removed, related to our favorite Coronado Campus Patrolman. In that story, that has since been pulled, we learned that our Linebacker will miss the entire season due to, get this, “Gunshot Wounds.” Numerous stories still exist documenting the incident are still available. This ought to give Bill Simmons a kick when Al Michaels refers to Foley as “out with a gunshot.” Like it was someone out with a knee, as Al likes to explain things. Foley contends that the officer was trying to end his career. Good times.

I’d also like to revisit Monday night as I was triumphant with my Arizona pick for the evening. During the course of that game I was repeatedly forced to restrain myself from smashing my television Max Colossus style with a shovel as the Monday night trio continued to polish the Lombardi trophy for the Bears. Not so fast guys, it’s only week 6, oh, and the Cubs reside in the oh so superior NFC. Let’s try to avoid crowning Super Bowl Champs this early okay? Good, let’s move on…

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

Marty took away the boys Monday off this week as a result of a piss poor practice last Wednesday. Hopefully, he realizes what I already know, that this game should go by the wayside in that column of wins, but in Arrowhead, against a team that is wildly unpredictable, we still have to play this thing. Let’s all be cautious of that “Trap Game” that may be hiding just under the surface here. I’m confident, but let’s not get crazy here, and go out there and take care of business okay? Good, glad we’re all on the same page here.

I’ve been abysmal this year picking against the spread. I need to have a big week for the sake of my wallet, er, position in the season long pool. Suggestions are welcomed to help me correct my innumerable shortcomings for 2006. Gambling shortcomings you assholes.

And, well, just for kicks…



Time to review and prepare for the destruction of the “Squaws” will be ready by Friday.

This Girl Is A Whore.

Not in real life, I'm sure, but totally a TV whore.

Each week I'm going to try and come up with someone or some thing in the realm of football and/or the rest of the world that absolutely, positively must be axed. Whether it's a flagging QB, a particularly poreous defense or a footaballcentric episode of Smallville, I will be calling for it's return to the wild where it will never assault the senses again. And now for the easiest part of any coach's job...the cuts.

Kicking off The Cuts will be the small screen serialization of the big screen Billy Bob Thornton vehicle Friday Night Lights. All the flashy editing and blue screen shucking and jiving in the world can't save this garbage. I've given it three weeks now, and I have yet to find any real redeeming qualities. Ridiculous football, stock characters and some pretty poor dialogue abound.

The original movie claimed to be based on a true story, and if that is the case, you can bet the series is too. Mostly because every character, scene and pithy quote from the film is repeated somewhere in the first three episodes. Football ending injury to a star player? Check. Back-up player makes good in subbing for said injured player? Check. Quarterback stopped at the one to lose the game? You bet your ass! Crazy ass Texans threatening to run the coach out of town if the team doesn't win? You see where I'm going with this. I really hope Texas High School Football towns are really like this, cause you can never have enough reasons to laugh at Texas.

I don't make the big money being a network programmer, but if I did I might start by acquiring shows with at least one likeable character. I mean sure, you can't really get down on the paralyzed quarterback or his goofy, unsure back-up, but they're hardly register a blip anyway. Instead we're given the completely devoid of a personality coach, the overbearing parents, the loudmouth running back, slut #1 and secret slut #2. Who is secret slut #2? The paralyzed quarterback's girlfriend who stands by his side right up until the point where she screws around with his best friend. What the hell am I watching again? This has to be the WB. The best friend is the real joke here, though. He's a surly alcoholic who feels so bad about his buddy getting hurt that he can't even bring himself to visit him in the hospital, but not bad enough to avoid screwing said buddy's girlfriend. I'm confused. He shoots things from the back of a moving pick-up and wails endless empty beer cans into the ravine. This best friend character is the brooding tortured, Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites type that makes you realize that Friday Night Lights has a very specific demographic, and your average male viewer is not invited. It's all just standard. You get the feeling that if this thing makes it to a second season, pretty much everyone will have hooked up with everyone else a la Melrose Place.

This show might redeem itself if the football were good. Too bad it's not. So far, both games they've featured ended on a last second play. That makes for a pretty long season right there. You've got the formulaic bullshit of the coach taking his team out to doing sprints across a muddy river at midnight as a big motivator. As my buddy said, "I would tell my coach to lick my nuts." I'm going to tell this show to lick my nuts. By all means, though, check it out if your vagina seems so inclined.

Igor Smash Knee!

Igor is going in to get his knee scoped today. Looks to be out 2 or 3 games. How glad are you that Edwards is still around? This defense is in danger of becoming depleted. Well, not really, but kind of. Whatever, just thought everybody'd like to know.

In Case You Hadn't Heard.

She is so not buying it. Poor Cardinal Cheerleader.

*I haven't seen or heard any reports about this yet, so I just wanted to pass it along. The Arizona Cardinals blew 20 point lead to the Chicago Bears, who did not have a single offensive TD. Dennis Green apparently gave some sort of press conference where he said something that you may be able to find on www.youtube.com, but I don't have the time to look for it cause I'm sure it's totally buried since it is not a big deal at all. Oh, did I mention that Rex Grossman had 4 INTs and fumbled twice, further fueling the Brett Favre comarisons? I'm glad I only started him on two of my fantasy teams.

*I just want to say that Arizona was not my sleeper pick this year. I've fallen for that one before and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it again. In fact, i don't thinkI had a sleeper pick this year, except that it was Buffalo and I don't want to talk about it.

*The Titans are on the comeback trail and looking mighty powerful after a close on against the undefeated Colts followed by an upset of the Oh My God They Suck Redskins. Too bad, Skins, you can watch the Titans represent in the post season this year. Believe it!

*New Orleans continued to not be New Orleans on Sunday and I couldn't be happier for them except that New Orleans has a French Quarter and no matter how cool it may be, the French suck. All snobby and thinking they're better than me.

That's just some stuff I had on my mind. Feel free to suck on it.

You Don't Want To Upset Mr. Gates.

Is your team going to the Superbowl this year? Great, I’ll see you there. My team is definitely going to be there. In all four of the Chargers wins this year the team has murdered the opposition, and yesterday’s beatdown/TBE festival was no exception. Honestly, if Schotty had shown the kind of confidence in Rivers in Baltimore that he has the last two weeks we would have hung 30 on the Ravens easy. Do you get it Drew Brees holdouts? Does it make sense? Drew Brees is a fine quarterback and he has certainly been doing good things out there in New Orleans, but Rivers has the chance to be great. You’ve never seen Brees as explosive and accurate as Rivers has been when given the opportunity.

Don’t tell me the following stat line doesn’t make you think Marty reads the papers:
Michael Turner, 1 carry, 0 yards. We are not a platooning outfit is what I’m guessing is the message there. Don’t worry Burner, we all know what you bring to the table, but the Spanoses pay TBE the big money, and you know it’s definitely a bottom line outfit in San Diego.

4 TDs for LaDainian and all I can think is, “Wait, TBE has never had 4 in a game before? Weird.”

The big guys strike again, with both First Down Gates and Big Vinny pulling in a TD yesterday (And TBE seriously had 4?). But let’s not lose sight of Eric Parker, who had 88 yards on 7 catches. He just does the job, and I’m sure A.J. loves that. Mark my words, people will be talking about the Chargers receiving corps by the three quarter point, and when was the last time that happened?

The defense had a couple of early hiccups, but really never let this game be close again after the first quarter. Another solid effort, but I still worry about what a team with a solid O-line and some downfield threats could do to us. Too bad there’s nobody on the schedule fitting that description. Rams? Bengals? Seahawks? Maybe, but I’m not scared. BTW, don’t our Bolts look a whole lot better after what Pitt did to KC yesterday? And don’t you think that if the Raiders were the third worst team in football, rather than the very worst, they could have beat up on Denver last night? I’m loving this division. Go Bolts!!!

There's Some Strategy Here...

I'm posting the picks for the week, with the preface that this is a pool, not individual tickets for the week, so as some of the picks seem ludicrous, that's what I like to call 'stratumgy'. I've finished in fourth in this thing for three years now, which if you are keeping track, is the first one out of the money. So, essentially I am the best loser in this thing. Here are this week's gems...(Home team in CAPS)

cin -6
WASH -9.5
hou +13
DET +1
sea -3.5
ATL -3
phi -3.5
car +3
NYJ -3
sd -10
PIT -7
DEN -15.5
Monday
ARI +10.5

The Arizona pick is primarily due to the fact that everyone has sewn their lips to the taints of the Bears. And 10.5 at home is nothing to sneeze at. Then again, it's Arizona... Gamble away fine friends. Go Bolts.

Briefly...

Since today is Katelyn's space, I'm not going to take it up with a bunch of bullshit, but ESPN can still be good for something. I just witnessed this gem:

"Who's to blame for the Raiders 0-2 start"
*Al Davis
*Randy Moss
*Jerry Porter
*Art Shell

While debating the fact that they had no quarterback or offensive line and Randy Moss knows this and is willing to talk about it. Jerry Porter doesn't play and Art Shell can't think straight with that cap squeezing his head like that, and well, we all know Al Davis is dead, Scott Van Pelt comes up with this awesome:

"Maybe it's the fault of the crazy people that dress up like Muppets or something..."

It's even funnier cause it's so true...

Meet Katelyn...

This is Katelyn.

I know Katelyn, although I knew her as Katie. Last night, while celebrating Friday work being over, Katie sauntered up to my table with a fistful of Charger Girls calendars and dropped a bombshell on me.

"Don't I know you?" she says to me.

"Uh...uh....uh. Uhhhh." See what all that schoolin' gets you. Articulation my friends. That's what we call articulation.

"Yeah, I do know you. Do you remember me? It's me Katie!!"

"Uh. Uhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. Uh huh." Pure gold. I'm so smooth.

"I'm a Charger girl now. You still like the Chargers?"

"Uhhhhhhhhh. Mmmmm huh." How I do it is beyond me. Those are skills my friend, take notes.

"You want a calendar? I'll autograph my page for you...blah...blah... I'm really hot...blah...blah....school....work...dance...blah...blah...hot."*

"Uhhhh. Calendar? No. Uhhh. Hot. Yes." I was really surprised she didn't jump me right there.

I pulled it together, we caught up, she's still great. I love her.

So, I share this encounter with you out of love for all three of you. You deserve to meet Katelyn, get to know her, she's hot and nice, and dances and bounces her pom poms for our team with all of her gloriousness. The Niners don't stand a chance on Sunday against the best team in the NFL with her on our side.




You all can thank me later. Oh, her favorite quote:

"Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable, and receives the impossible."
Yep. She's perfect.

*May or may not have been the conversation. It's tough to manage a Katelyn with three brain cells completely unprepared. I'll do better next time I swear. This is my commitment to all of you.

Super Sunday Picks Galore!

Another Charger girl wearing far too much. It's a crime.

So I dropped back into oblivion with last weeks picks, and at this point I don’t even know or care where I stand overall. Some of these ridiculously high spreads are killing me. Don’t you just get the feeling that this is the week that Arizona and Houston totally over achieve? Nah, me neither.

Cincy @ Tampa
Player of the game: Chris Henry. Even though he’s serving a suspension, he shivs Gradkowski in a bar fight Saturday night, forcing the Bucs to start Franklin the Towel Boy.
Bengals 31, Bucs13

New York vaGiants @ Atlanta
POG: Mike Vick. He throws two TDs. Unfortunately they’re to the Giants secondary.
Giants 24, Atlanta 21

Tennessee @ Washington
POG: Vince Young. Just for being the only interesting thing on the field for this game.
Redskins 38, Titans the usual 14.

Houston @ Dallas
POG: TO. He catches three TDs with his feet and people spend the next week praising him. See how he flips it, there?
Cowgirls 37, Texans 17

Carolina @ Baltimore
POG: Steve McNair. Check out that presence.
Panthers 24, Ravens 10

Buffalo @ Detroit
POG: Some receiver for Detroit, maybe? Or John Kitna? I don’t know, but they win.
Lions 20, Bills 17

Seattle @ St. Louis
POG: Orlando Pace. Is he playing this week? I think it’s him for sure if he’s playing.
Rams 28, Hawks 27

Philly @ New Orleans
POG: Reggie Bush. He’s totally rookie of the year. Too bad they lose.
Eggles 30, Saints 22

Miami @ New York Jets
POG: Culpepper. He keeps his team in the game by staying on the bench. Sadly, it’s not enough.
Jets 17, Dolphins 14

KC @ Pitt
POG: Big Ben. Come on, he totally needs it. Even if he sucks let’s give it to him.
Steelers 24, Chiefs 20*

San Diego Super Chargers @ Lame San Francisco, and by lame I mean gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
POG: Mike Scifres. So clutch. So unsung. He will somehow be the first punter to score two TDs in a game.
Bolts 38, 49ers 9

Oakland @ Denver
POG: Mike Shanahan. He will disguise himself as a player and go iron man style garnering praise for his exceptional performance on both sides of the ball. Man, this guy hates the Raiders.
Broncos 34, Raider 10

Monday Night

Chicago @ Arizona
POG: Chicago. Is this even fair?
Bears Like 50, Cards 4?

There. If you have any money left after last week I suggest that you bet the thirteen game exacta, if there is such a thing. Good luck, not that you’ll need it. Go Bolts!!!

* This prediction is wrong.

Some Hot Charger Girls To Soften The Blow.

Oh God, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. What is it, like week 6 and Inside the NFL Makes Me Miss My Slightly Less Evil Ex-Girlfriend is really beginning to take its toll. I tried watching half the Wednesday show and half the Thursday show to spread out the pain, but all I accomplished was ruining two whole days instead of just one. Better to take it all in one shot, like Castor Oil (WTF is Castor Oil anyway? I’ve only ever seen it on Tom & Jerry, but that damn cat hates it almost as much as I hate this crap festival, so I assume it’s an ample metaphor.). Lesson learned.

Right off the bat, INFL warns us that they will be featuring Drew Rosenhaus and I can’t afford to keep replacing TVs like this. They will also be hitting us with another Tear Jerker of the Week (TJW) that is again so loosely tied to football it makes my head spin.

The Round Table discussion starts off with the team discussing the undefeateds. The Colts have to be worried about their run D (which was never very good to begin with, but it didn’t matter cause teams don’t tend to run on you when you’re pounding them by 20 pts.). Fortunately the Colts have Peyton Manning, whose erection must be failing a bit since everyone is now focused on felating the other unbeaten team, the Chicago Bears. What is it, week 6 now? Well, guess what? Grossman might already be the second coming of Brett Favre and the ‘72 Dolphins might as well kill themselves because the Bears are only eleven straight victories away from obliterating that sad undefeated season. 14 games? Talk about having it easy. You suck, ‘72 Miami! The fellows then say something about the present day Dolphins, but it’s nothing I haven’t been saying since they signed the Staring Statue to be their field general.

Highlights? You want some freaking highlights?

Cowgirls @ Philly
TO is back and even chicks in frilly pink Eggles jerseys brought their batteries. You give him what for Philly. Too bad it just ends up giving the douche bag even more pub. Talk about your all time backfires. At least your team didn’t choke on it and let him take over the game at any point. Hey Cowgirls, Drew Bledsoe is your QB, you might want to stop people from assaulting him now and then.

Bucs @ Saints
Reggie Bush finally comes up with the big play and now every sports writer in the nation can breathe a big sigh of relief because rookie of the year is wrapped up.

Back to the Round Table. This show is getting so bad, they must be about a step away from replacing Costas with Burt Reynolds. Man law! This discussion is all about whether the Girls should bench Bledsoe in favor of Tony Romo, and now I’ve got a hankerin’ for some ribs. I know, everybody else in the world has used that one, but I think my delivery really hammers it home. The entire discussion is moot, because no matter who is back there for the Cowpies, they aren’t going to do squat unless they are somehow able to phase in and out of this dimension as 300 lbs. defensive linemen try to maul them. But what do I know? Maybe Romo can do that, and then won’t I have egg on my face?

Steelers @ Chargers
Here’s the problem with trying to put your highlight reel together while the game is being played. You have to go back and redub everywhere you said the Steelers controlled the game from start to finish and replace with something about how great Manimal is and how far the Steelers have fallen. Lot’s of good highlights for once, and I actually find myself giddy during INFL. Will wonders never cease?

The Brain Trust gets into a bit of Steelers discussion, and once again Collinsworth is the only one to make the solid point that the Steelers have lost to some good teams and nobody should count them out. I swear to God, you know this is INFLs swan song when Worthless continues to be the only person making sense.

TJW! TJW! TJW!
They lead into the TJW with a side note about how the NFL and Roger Goodell want to do more to internationalize the game. You know, rob fans of home games for their teams so the business can make a couple extra billions? The kids gotta eat, you heartless bastards. Anyway this story is about Chiefs DE Tamba Hali and his flight from W. Africa as a child. I don’t see the NFL putting any games in W. Africa anytime soon, but I’m sure you can see how it ties in anyway. Anyway, Hali had to leave his mother behind when he was ten and now he is able to bring her to the U.S. and it’s a big, happy story but it sucks and I don’t fucking want it on my damn highlights and analysis show! At least they got it right this time and aired this after a Chiefs victory.

Yay! Peter King is here to talk about off the field conduct. Blah blah blah, the fines don’t mean shit to guys who make millions, etc. The only interesting thing here is that Peter King loves to say Commissioner Roger Goodell as though Goodell went to fucking Commissioner school for eight years to earn the title. Peter is then asked if there’s any buzz on the trade deadline front and Peter says not much. You can bet all your favorite players will be playing for different teams by the time you finish reading this.

Ravens @ Denver
John Lynch is miked up for this and since I have to listen to him on the radio once a week because his dad runs the local station, I turn down my volume and put on my best cow stare for the next three minutes.

Jets @ Jags
Two teams that are going to baffle and annoy you all year. Seriously, if these guys played again today, the Jets might blow the Jags out 41-0.

Lions @ Vikes
Didn’t the Lions fire Mike Tice? So, just like Linehan has done with the Rams, Childress is proving that this is his Vikings team by neutering the offense. Even when these games seem exciting, they bore me to tears.

Retard Face-Off!
Question 1) Would you trade for Moss? This was the most wishy washy display I’ve seen all year from Dansterino and…uh…Crarter? Both pretty much say they would trade for Moss if he ended up working out. Okay, NFL GMs, consult your fortune tellers and make an offer.
Question2) Biggest disappointment? This one was awesome, cause on the graphic below the screen they show Daunte Culpepper and Caddy Williams. But the boys don’t bite. Crarter goes with the Giants DEs, Strahan and Usemainfpaoeya. Dantanarama says it’s TO. Collinsworth brings up Aaron Brooks and I’ve got to wonder how disappointing it is to do exactly what everybody said you were going to do.
Question 3) What’s wrong with Indy’s rush D? Corey Simon being out? Bob Sanders? Who cares? I just want to know where the big chucklehead question of the week is, but they don’t have one. Instead they let Daryl Talley get back at Dan for calling him ugly last week. Talley says the ugliest thing he ever saw was Marino try to scramble. I like Daryl Talley. He seems like a real round-around.

Raiders @ Frisco
Here’s your slow motion interview frenzy of the day. This time around, we get to listen to first time NFL head coach Mike Nolan. Every first timer should have at least one game against the Raiders so they too can have their very own slow motion interview frenzy on INFL.

Marino and Carter get together and pick the Panthers to beat the Ravens, even though I could swear Dan started out with the big fake that he was going to pick the Ravens. I can’t be sure because I started boozing it up a while back now. BTW, I’m getting a little tired of people saying that even though McNair’s numbers might actually be worse than Kyle Boller’s he has presence. Fuck your presence. Complete a pass in the first three quarters. Loser.

Redskins @ Giants
Are you ready? Are you ready for the big SIS this week? It’s fucking Drew Rosenhaus! You know, because he represents Shockey (who he refers to as a freak of nature, and I can't exactly argue with that) and Sean Taylor. It seems to me that Rosenhaus has been featured on this shitbox program before. Honestly, these jerk-offs sit around talking about player conduct ruining the game and in the same breath they feature the biggest ruiner of all? I swear every time this guys open his mouth I hate him more than I did ten seconds ago. And the Jerry Maguire schtick is getting ooooooooolllllllllddddddddd. I can only hope his clients see this and realize he actually represents other people. Sometimes even players on other teams! “You said you loved only me, Drew. We hugged.” He talks about the importance of knowing how his players did, so when he calls them they know he really cares. Then you see him asking his staff for stats. Come on Huggy, at least fire up NFL.com yourself. Drew and his army represent 70 different players and he has to keep his head on a swivel to follow all the action. I wish someone would put it on a tee. I hope the King drops your ass, butt face.

And that’s it. That’s all I got. Come back next week for more fun INFL coverage coverage. Assuming I haven’t hanged myself by then.

Suicide is not funny.

I'm Pumped. Are You Pumped? How About Now?

I don't really have much to say today, but I'll go ahead and let Manimal get in his opinions on the rest of the NFL.



I'm not sold on the secondary just yet, and I still think Schotty was a little bit more conservative last week than people seem to realize, but Manimal might just take us all the way regardless.

Nurses, I Have A Fever In My Pants.

I have been sick and quite possibly in need of medical attention for the last couple of days so I decided not to post and I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality content that has shown up in my stead. At this point, however it's time for me to put up or shut up. Sorry if my following thoughts come out as fever-addled gibberish rather than the gospel you're all used to. Also, sorry to start off with the Padres, but they're on my mind.

So, San Diego managed to avoid laying a complete egg in the post-season (We took it to four, Cards! In your face!)while still managing to look abominable. The pitching was solid enough, as we knew it would be, but the batting was even worse than we could have imagined. I honestly fear we will sign Klesko to another extension with a no trade clause. Just kidding, sort of. Well, here we are, just a few days into our off-season and the rumor mill is already cranking out quality scoop. Here are the two biggest whisper-shouts going if you're a Padres fan. The hapless Cubs want Bochy in the worst way and the Padres are seriously considering taking a shot at A-Rod. First off, I would be amazed if this A-Rod thing came to fruition without the fans actually passing a hat around, cause you know the organization won't pick up that salary no matter how much money is coming off the books this year. That's just bad businees, people. Second, the only way the A-Rod thing works is if the first rumor comes to be as well. Can't you just imagine Bochy sitting A-Rod every third day and against left-handed pitchers? The San Diego sports collective's head would implode. Then explode.

I'm sorry I keep swatting Daunte Culpepper with this riding crop here, but does anyone in the world believe he sat on Sunday as a result of an injury? I know every major sports writer in the country has mentioned this already, but the difference between me and them is that I said Culpepper would suck all along, whereas most of them had him representing the AFC in the Superbowl. Send me your paychecks, retards!

Laurence Maroney rushed for 39 yards on Sunday against the crappy Dolphins, proving once and for all that Bill Belichek hates fantasy football just as much as Mike Shanahan. Shanahan still hates the Raiders more, though, while Belichek has no redeeming qualities I can think of.

I don't know about Diego Jimbone's vaGiants fan buddy and his statistics supercollider that comes up with the world's most accurate Power Rankings. I just know what the (QUOTE) experts (UNQUOTE) say, and since I'm pretty sure getting paid makes their (QUOTE) analysis (UNQUOTE) more important than what some ass hat in a ShEli Manning jersey (just to piss off Charger fans, by the way) has to say. Sadly, the pros paint a much less Bolt-friendly picture. Dr. Z has us ranked 8th. 6th in the AFC. Pete Prisco, who hates the Chargers BTW (but much less without Drew Brees, who apparently once ran over Pete's dog), has us at 9, also 6th in the AFC. Seems like we're getting badly penalized for losing a game to the Ravens, who everyone pretty much agrees are about the best team to ever take the field in the NFL, besides the Bears of course, who are getting the most amazing class action suck job I've ever seen. More importantly in regards to the Chargers, though, is exactly the point that Jimbone made before. Everybody is pretty much on board with the whole Pittsburgh sucks thing, rather than the Chargers made them suck thing which I prefer. I'm afraid it's going to be like this all year. We got mad praise for being 9-7 with our schedule last year, and we are going to be completely overlooked when we go 13-3 agains our schedule this year. Hell, even Peter King has us ranked 6th, and he freaking loves the Bolts.

No matter, we'll get the love and respect we deserve when we move to L.A. This small market San Diego stuff is bullshit. It's not like we're one of the 10 largest cities in the country. Huh? Nevermind. Go Bolts!!!

Radar is broken, Jury is Hung, but it's all OK

Week 5 is in the books, and the authors here have done a great job in summarizing, recounting, analyzing, speculating, dissecting, and basically delivering the clear and proper view of the NFL thus far...

My addition to this today is mostly just a little venting. I could do this a number of places, but here amongst friends and the knowledgeable like-minded Charger fans seems most appropriate, and I'll explain why later.

A good friend of mine is a very smart guy, despite being a Giants fan. He's great with numbers and stats, and has devised an algorithm that ranks the NFL teams each week. It could be viewed kind of like the ESPN power rankings, except instead of an engine based on market biased columnists, it uses some secret mathematical formula based on stats. He sends out a weekly e-mail with the rankings, and some usually very funny narrative. This week's commentary was sarcastic and funny, as usual, but I did take exception (at first) to his jab at my Chargers... "Jim, in week 3, I wondered if the bolts could beat someone who wasn’t the Raiders. They answered. 'Nope'. The rebounded by beating the Champs, who are playing more like the Chumps. So the jury is still out."

WHAAAT? "The jury is still out!?!?" What kind of jury is this? I declare a mistrial. First of all, even though it's true that the Steelers have had a slow start, I didn’t hear much talk of them sucking going into Sunday's game against the Chargers. In the media, and from fans of other teams (yep, the Broncos), all I heard were things like "Should be a good game...", "This will be a good test", “another clash of good defenses”, etc. Then as soon as the Chargers DOMINATE them, everyone changes their tune to, "man, I guess the Steelers aren't any good." No, it's not "Wow, that Charger team is scary! Ravens got a luckily timed conservative coaching gift, but man, when they are in stride, they may be the best team in the NFL!" Ok, I guess I can't expect that from non-bolt fans, but I submit this, your honor:

After week 5: The Charger offense is averaging 350 yards, and 25.8 points per game. Yes, those numbers are better than Cincinnati, New England, Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh. Oh, and it's WAY better than Denver's anemic Offense. Denver is averaging 12 points per game. Gonna be hard to keep riding that wimpy output. Rivers has shown that he can flat PLAY. I can't imagine any more talent at Running Back on any team, the O-line is playing better than I expected, and then there are the big tall receivers who are young and getting better, along with our bad ass pro bowl tight end. That is offensive muscle. The kind that can take a 10 point deficit to the Super Bowl champs, and squish it by rattling off 23. Do you think Denver can do that?? They get down by 10 points at ANY point to ANY team, and I think they may be looking at a loss. Their answer is, "well, we’ll always stay in front, cuz our Defense is awesome!" I'll admit, their Defense does look good, but hoping to never fall behind may be asking too much from them. The Chargers can talk D too, by the way. In fact, the Chargers have the #1 defense in the NFL. Denver is allowing an average of 8.5 points, 300 yards. Bolts are allowing 9 points and 204 yards. We'll call you on D, and raise you on O.

I thought about writing some of these stats in a rebuttal to the rankings, but then I noticed... The Chargers were ranked #2 in the NFL, right behind Chicago, on HIS own rankings system. I figured my point was already made.

At the 1/4 mark, the Bolts have looked great in my opinion. Their stats and their talent are SCARY. An A- start (would have gotten an A if they'd have gone 4-0 like they should have). But still, outside of a few random flitting conjectures, I rarely hear them get the kind of respect and fear that they deserve. But I'm used to it- that's the norm for SD sports. So at this point, I don’t feel the need to try to convince these others that they should be afraid of this team. I think they are anyway and just don’t want to admit it. I say cheers to a good win against the super bowl champs, and let's let the team keep a little chip on their shoulder. Let them continue to feel like they have something to prove, and keep this rolling! Go Chargers!!!

Also, before finishing up, a nod to the Padres season- yes, it burns to get punked by the Cards again, but winning the division b2b is sweet. Playoffs is what it’s all about. Even with the wack East Coast scheduling, the boys managed to give me a weekend do-or-die playoff game that I could spend with friends in a local pub and cheer on a victory. That’s what I ask for, and I got a little of it, complete with a Hoffman save set to Hells Bells on the juke. I'll take it. Thanks to the team, and props to Trevor Hoffman as well. Enjoy the offseason Pads, and bring it again next year. Now we're in FULL football mode... so again, Go Chargers!!

Weekend Observations Now Complete with Cheerleaders!!!

Some weekend footballing thoughts lingering in my brain while not distracted by Michelle my favorite Bolt Cheerleader...

*The Redskins embarrassed themselves this weekend versus the Giants. More importantly, they embarrassed me. My faith has been tested and shattered yet again. Mark Brunell is quickly going to find himself the recipient of foul smelling mail.

*The Leinart Era has begun in Arizona. Most positively I should add to that statement. He showed why he slipped to number 10 in the draft and held out for all that extra money. On a related note, the team managed to blow a two touchdown lead and lose the game. Nice debut Matt.

*Mike Tirico is a diarrhea filled gas bag. During his rousing introduction of the Ravens this evening, he mentioned that they were undefeated. He went on to say that although undefeated, they were untested to this point in the season, due to the fact that their four wins came against teams that had combined for four wins. Ummm Mike? The Chargers have three of those wins and essentially won the game save our aformentioned coaching troubles. I think the Ravens were tested in that game. But, you know, you're the one getting paid to talk about that stuff, if you want to be incorrect on National Television, be my guest.

*The Broncos received an awful lot of auditory and visual fellatio this evening. They managed to survive a Baltimore team on their home field in the rain. Would have enjoyed a bit of help from the Crows tonight, but alas, it was not to be.

*I wonder what the Steeler Bandwagon will look like this weekend?

*Marty didn't wear a headset this weekend. Was this coincidence? Or did he get neutered from playcalling decisions? It was a step in the right direction whatever that is...

*I'm beginning to think that our coaches may have a plan. It appears that they are just not tipping their hand and showing everyone exactly how dangerous we can be. Phillip looked great last night, the whole offense did, and save the one drive, the Defense looked 'impregnable'. So, it begs the question, does the staff actually have a plan that they are keeping close to the vest? I don't know if I can actually talk myself into believing this, but last night was quite unexpected at least to me. We'll see what comes of this next weekend.

*Good to see us right the ship on the National Stage. Looking forward to an ovary free Schottenheimer against San Francisco on Sunday.

*Go Bolts!

It's A Start, But You're Not Out Of The Doghouse Yet, Coach.

You have to like that. A lot of people are going to say that the Steelers are suffering a post Superbowl hangover. They’ll say that Ben Roethlisberger is not himself and is still reeling from his motorcycle accident this past off-season. I can’t really say for sure if those things are true or not, but I can say this; we completely dismantled that team for three quarters last night. The defense was live and Philip Rivers picked apart the Steelers secondary for drives of 80 and 91 yards. That defense is still supposed to be pretty good, right? It sure is nice to have all those six and a half foot targets we’ve got, huh? Anybody remember me saying Malcolm Floyd might be the real deal a couple weeks back? That TD he had was a monster catch. That guy and Big Vinny are solid and are only going to get better. It was nice to see Gates out there being the best playmaking tight end in the game like he is supposed to be. Tomlinson didn’t have his best running game, but it was nice to see us get him the ball in space where he was able to make a couple things happen. The Burner is getting those tough yards every time and manages to warrant more and more playing time on a team that already boasts arguably the best running back in the game. Man, it’s going to be hard to hold on to that guy.

Sadly, even after last night’s game, I’m not totally convinced Marty will do right by the talent the Bolts possess. Don’t forget, he pulled out his share of these dominating types of performances last year, but they tended to happen in games where we trailed early. If he had gotten the early lead again last night, I don’t doubt we would have seen something more closely resembling the Baltimore game. In fact, as much as no one wants to admit it, the play calling definitely got a little conservative late last night. The difference was that Michael Turner was able to find the holes and eat clock. The defense was also let off the leash in the fourth quarter. End result, San Diego wins, and more importantly shows what they can truly do. Give me this team playing that hard and I’ll take all comers. Bring me your Colts and your Bears! You’ve got nothing on us! We are best! Even if it has to be in spite of our coach. One victory does not absolve you, Marty. But it’s a nice start. Go Bolts!!!

Week 5 Gems...

Well. It's really obvious. The Padres are winning the World Series. It's not even in question anymore. I don't have the sarcasm necessary to emphasize this point enough. The people in this town are laughable. Awesome.

I've slacked enough this year publicizing my incredibleness that is my gambling* abilities, so for this week, you will get a sneak pick into my pea sized brain that is so incredibly profitable* netting me not quite enough money to buy bodog but enough to rule the world. Here are some of them to tease your sensibilities...

Philadelphia v. Dallas

The McNabb factor and the crowd hucking batteries and pill containers full of nickels carry the Eagles to a blowout victory today. I don't exactly know what the McNabb factor is, but it's better than saying the Cowgirls suck.

San Diego v. Pittsburgh

I've never met an arrogant Steelers fan. For the most part they are pretty decent folk, save the odor and lack of teeth. But one of their finest was breaking into me pretty hard last night about how they were actually better this year than last year. After I was able to compose myself from that ridiculousness, I did some serious analysis of the situation and realized that Pittsburgh in fact, sucks.
Chargers in a rout. Marty, if you screw this up I'm taking a dump in your front lawn.

The Others...

Arizona
The Lambs
Rejuvenated Hurricane Cities
The Crows
Oh, and if the Giants Skins game is close, I'll be paralyzed and perhaps quit gambling*. Skins today. Skins.

Out...

*not to be used in any way for gambling unless of course you are a moron and would take gambling advice from the likes of me.

Listen To My Genius!

So Bill Simmons has been touting the Chargers pretty heavily this year going so far as to pick them to represent and possibly win the Superbowl. And while I truly appreciate the support, I can not condone what he had to say regarding Marty Schottenheimer's handling of last week's game in Baltimore. Read the whole article here, but this is the Marty take:

"Anyway, I'd love to pile on Marty this week; nobody has coached more games when they resembled a Ken doll anatomically. But he did the right thing this time: Rivers wasn't quite ready for a game like that, and they couldn't kill his confidence this early in the season. So Marty kept it close to the vest and tried to protect the lead with his D (and it almost worked). I'm not killing him on that one."

Oh, please! Enough of that bullshit about Rivers not being ready. And are we supposed to believe that a loss in Baltimore would kill the career of a third year player that the organization is constantly touting as being strong, smart and resilient? Why do we assume he loses that game if we unleash him? In protecting Rivers from a potential "soul-crushing" loss, Schottenheimer could just as easily have been denying Rivers a career defining victory.

This team can win now, but not unless the coach and his staff are willing to take a risk. And is it really a risk to incorporate you second biggest playmaker more often? Where is Antonio Gates? 10 receptions in three games? He should have closer to twenty. Did Schotty not see the amazing first down effort in the first quarter? First Down makes things happen, so let's see some of that.

The blinders have to come off this Sunday night. Everybody knows the Steelers are just going to try and hang around until the end. The knife must be twisted, removed, reinserted, and twisted again early and often, damn it! Go Bolts!!!

My Outrageous Picks!

Yahoo! image search. Outrageous. Totally. Is she picking her crack?

So, last week the guys in my pick’em pool credited me the weekly entrance fee (I lost my ATM card), presumably based on the ridiculously poor accuracy of my weekly picks. So what do I do? I go 10-4 against the spread and take the pot. Suckers! Just kidding, guys, I got it covered this week. The funny thing is, my boy CJ tells me every year that the first three weeks are throwaways and nobody knows for sure what’s going to happen. Maybe I don’t give that cat enough credit. He does make a smooth call now and then.

Miami @ New England
Which Patriots team will show up this week? Your guess is as good as mine, but since they’re facing the Daunte Culpeppers, I’ll go ahead and guess this one.
Pats 27, Dolphins 13

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Is Tampa Bay even starting a QB this week? Are they going to snap directly to Cadillac? They were bad with Chris Simms, and they’re going to be even worse without, if you can believe that.
Saints 24, Bucs 10

Washington @ New York
If Santana Moss can catch three TDs against Jacksonville’s D, he should have about nine against that floundering vaGiants secondary.
Skins 30, vaGiants 27

Buffalo @ Chicago
Chicago’s giving ten?! I don’t know that there will be ten scored in this game.
Bears 13, Bill 10

St. Louis @ Green Bay
The Rams are another one of those teams that’s going to make me break out in hives all year, but I expect them to hammer another nail into Brett Favre’s coffin this week.
Rams 28, Packers 17

Cleveland @ Carolina
Carolina’s fired up now, but Cleveland just had an impressive comeback against..the Raiders?
Panthers 34, Browns 16

Tennessee @ Indy
You know you’ve hit bottom when you’re 18 point dogs. Even if it is against the Colts. Hey Vinny, Fisher hates you!
Colts 45, Titans 17

Detroit @ Minnesota
If you need to get back on track, it’s always nice to run into Detroit.
Vikes 14, Lions 7

KC @ Zona
It’s hard for me to believe that KC won’t fall apart after their complete dismantling of the Niners last week, but not here. Not against this team. I think Leinart will look better than Warner, but not enough better.
Chiefs 20, Cards 14

Oakland @ Frisco
Blech!
49ers 21, Raiders 14

N.Y. Jets @ Jacksonville
The Jets are going to lose by three all season.
Jags 17, Jets 14 (That’s a lot of 14s)

Dallas @ Philly
Take it from the Bolts, Dallas, and don’t get too high on yourselves after shellacking the Titans. This one’s gonna sting.
Eagles 31, Cowgirls 20

Pitt @ San Diego
God damn it, Marty, if you blow this shot at redemption I’m sending you a nice steamy “mud” pie. Something tells me your players are going to save your ass this week. No matter how pissed the Steelers are. There will be bitten nails, though.
Chargers 17, Steelers 13

Monday Night

Baltimore @ Denver
Shanahan relishes making Schotty look like a pussy and succeeds where our shitty coach failed.
Broncos 24, Ravens 10

What are you waiting for? Call your bookie! Go Bolts!

Are You Ready For Some Bullshit?! Well, Get Ready!

I hope that video got you all pumped up for another round of Inside the NFL Raped All the Women and Torched the Houses. They immediately tantalize us with promises of a miked up Larry Johnson and the possibility that they might not make a huge freaking deal about TO returning to Philly this weekend. I might actually have to give INFL a little credit for bucking the trend and deciding not to bow to the TO publicity machine. I mean, I myself posited that they would bring in a slew of different kinds of doctors to examine the hell out of the giant rotting horse corpse in the middle of the room, but nope. Nothing. Such restraint surely must be rewarded. Sadly, however, the above scenario would probably have been at least more interesting than the tripe I’m about to summarize for your non-viewing pleasure.

We start with Costas delivering three questions to the Algonquin Round Table of Ribaldry and Wit. The question were:

What do we know for sure at this point in the season?

What do we think we know?

Something else I can’t remember because I’m seriously already tuning out at this point and I’m about six beers deep. What? In the old days they used to get people plowed on booze to numb them before surgery. Same thing. Only a couple things of note here. Bears are really good. Everybody’s jumping off the Seattle bandwagon as if it were the Titanic. Actually, they’re jumping off as if the bandwagon were a parallel universe Titanic that, after hitting the iceberg, was being bombed by aliens. Collinsworth actually makes a really good point that teams have not been up to speed til this point because they didn’t do enough work in the preseason, leading me to believe that he reads this site, cause I made that point three weeks ago and I like to toot my own horn, fuck you.

Cowboys @ Titans
Not much to say here. Vince Young is thrown to the wolves and Dallas has a field day with the lowly Titans while pissing off fantasy football owners everywhere by scoring with three different running backs. Parcells hates fantasy geeks almost as much as he hates that one receiver whose name slips my mind.

Seahawks @ Bears
The Hawks lull everyone into a false sense of security by letting themselves get bombed on by the Bears. Ricky Manning Jr. spits in William Shakespeare’s face by proving that a rose by any other name would smell like shit. It’s all about the name.

Now they get into the Albert Haynesworth incident, and I can’t tell you how much I love The Onion. Collinsworth approves of the suspension and trumps it by calling or an arrest. Up yours, Worthless, Gurode already says he’s not a big enough pussy to sick the cops on Al. They touch on Cincinnatti’s legal troubles as well, and I’d be careful with all the joke-making. There are people on that team that might kill you. Ricky Manning Jr. gets his second mention in the episode, and I can’t understand why everybody’s getting on his case for beating up a nerd at Denny’s. Isn’t that what football players are supposed to do?

Lions @ Rams
Time for our first SIS, and I’m spotting a trend here. This week it’s Tory Holt up against brother Terrence. What the hell are these jerk-offs going to do when there are no brother match-ups to feature. Well, I think Bill Cowher has three daughters, so that‘s two more SISes right there. So, anyway, Terrence lays up on his brother and Tory predictably drops a TD. Somehow this was a shitty game despite 75 points scored.

Browns @ Oakland
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Colts @ Jets
I went to the bathroom at this point so I missed Mr. T dressed up in Jets gear and now I pity myself. I’m a fool. The Colts have to come back twice on the Jets in the 4th, and I’m now more certain than ever that Peyton Manning will never even sniff a Super Bowl.

The idiots sit around and talk about how the Colts aren’t as good as last year because they no longer have Edgerrin James and can’t stop the run and I suddenly catch myself playing with the remote and realize that I am actually watching this garbage for a reason.

Now we get into the big tear jerking story of the week, which will now get its own abbreviation….TJW. This one is about Ernie Davis, college phenom who broke all of Jim Browns college records, but never took a snap in the NFL because he developed Leukemia. Too sad to make fun of, but I can not say it enough: This shit does not belong on my so-called highlight and analysis show. Big ups for making Art Modell look like he has a soul, though. Smoke and mirrors, people. The staples of good journalim. Is it journalism or Talevisionism? Broadcasting? Whatever.

Peter King is back and I flatline. Something about Goodell shutting down online gambling to avoid fixed games. Seriously. Also, Brett Favre will not be traded. Do you get the feeling there are going to ask King that question every week until he admits he has no idea?

Niners @ Chiefs
LJ is miked up! We are treated to lots of slow-mo and sideline blah blah blah. Herman Edwards says, “When you go through the storms of life, you come out a better person,” and I think to myself, “That’s not even a real cliché. That’s just stupid.”

Retard face-off
1)Ugliest thing you’ve ever seen on the field? Dan says Daryll Talley without his helmet on, and I chuckle despite myself. I suck.
2)Underrated player? Dan gives a shout out to Brees and Terry Glenn, presumably because they both had good games last week and that’s as far back as Marino can remember. Carter absolutely blows my mind and deems Pennington the most undervalued player. Insight? From Carter? The hell you say.
3)How will TO act if he makes a TD in Philly? I refuse to care, so I didn’t pay attention to their answers. Sue me.
4)I don’t remember the question, but apparently Bob Costas is afraid of the midget Kiss cover band Mini-Kiss, and the idea of it sort of tickles me, but since I’ve been watching that show about the midget family on TLC I can no longer laugh at little people. Who knew they had feelings?

Jags @ Skins
I sure do like to see Jacksonville lose for some reason, and how can you not like the Redskins when Clinton Portis shows up for his press conference this week as Dolemite Jenkins, in full Napoleon Dynamite gear complete with Vote for Santana ringer T. That’s just rich, chewy goodness.

The team goes into their take on the upcoming Dallas-Philly match-up and the highlight here is the Eagles fan who wrote a TO song saying that Owens plays poker with Hitler and craps with Hussein and is just basically an all around pedophile. Wow, INFL, using that cable TV to get edgy? Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Any way, Carter, Costas and Marino pick Dallas, while Collinsworth and Marino like Philly. That’s not a mistake, I’m pretty sure Dan picked them both.

Patriots @Bengals
Tom Brady will not lose two games in a row. I know this because I heard him say it in an interview. That’s not cocky, that’s confidence. The kind of confidence you would have found in say, I don’t know, Joe Freaking Montana! Second coming! Second Coming! Second Coming!

Now, put the women and children to bed cause here comes the swearing.

Chargers @ Ravens
Those sly devils at INFL start the highlights with the chock full of irony inspirational huddle up of Marty Schottenheimer. Something about playing a perfect game and-FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW!

Then everybody but Costas picks Denver to beat Baltimore this week, and Collinsworth and Costas smartly pick the Bolts to beat the Steelers. That’s all. It’s over. Move along.

It's a Broom. Get it??

It's just unbelievable. It's a better team than last year's squad, save that Giles guy who has proven his uselessness to me over and over again, good thing we have him for two more years at NINE MILLION DOLLARS, but what the hell is going on? It's the Cardinals, they nearly blew an 8 1/2 game lead in the last 10 games of the season. They have one, ONE, pitcher. And Jared Fucking Weaver goes out there and looks like Dwight Gooden prior to him snorting all the coke in New York, the chalk lines at Shea, and the dander of small kittens looking for a high.

I've heard lots of things in the last couple of hours. Things that could be construed as excuses. "Well, they just don't win day games." Oh really? Is that why they got 4 hits and struck out nine times. "Well, they just don't win at home." Well, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense, you know, not being able to win in front of your home crowd for 81 GAMES IN A SEASON! "Well, it's the shadows." The shadows? Are there invisible Padre killing demon like beings in the shadows that make our team absolutely suck?

We here in San Diego are rooting for FAILURES. We are a bunch of failures. We are utterly incapable of being remotely considered good teams. We get our hopes up each year, our local television stations cheer cheer and rah rah when we win a game, and it's big news when we lock down first place in May. And then come the playoffs, where we try to talk ourselves into the fact that we can win a series, in fact maybe two. I don't know how many mentions of "World Series" I heard during game one. Well, right before the Defecation Orifice went yard and had people making for Coronado to chuck themselves from the big bridge. Some call me a naysayer, once again, I'm falling squarely in the realist category as the brooms come out on Saturday. Oh? Have faith you say? Look back at the 2004 ALCS you say? Well, were not the fucking Red Sox thank whatever deity you worship, we're the Padres and we're nobody's daddy. Thanks for 2006 guys, maybe management can sign Alan Wiggins’ soul, Dave Dravecky’s left arm, and Eric Show’s ghost and really shore this thing up for another Western Division Championship.

Oh, and a hearty Fuck You to St. Louis. You beat us again, and I will make sure I do something vile to that Arch you all are so freakin' proud of.

I'm Gonna Be Sick.

Way to own home field you effing douche bags! Don't give this shit about shadows creeping in and wah, wah, wah! You looked worthless out there. And what the hell is Albert Muddbutt out my Pujols doing with three hits in this game? Why are you still pitching to him? Are you dumb? Are you retarded? Are you convinced he's a fluke for some reason? The guy is now outscoring you guys three to one in two games. Fuck you! Hey, I've got an idea. Ryan fucking Klesko got a hit off of the seemingly untouchable Jeffrey fucking Weaver. Why don't we trot Rhino out to right field, cause as far as I can tell no one bats for that position in the line-up. Oh, sorry, Brian Giles is responsible for the only RBI in this series so far. Let's get him an extension. God damn it! This isn't 1984! This isn't the perenially hard luck Cubs! You guys have buried yourselves! Hopefully, when the Pads get back to the post season in ten years, they'll get to face anyone on the planet other than the ass hat Cardinals!

She's "Leaning." Get it?

Just a handful of stuff for a slow Thursday morning here. I always save the big stuff for Friday.

*Terrance Kiel is back on the field for the Mighty Chargers this week. Tilt your televisions accordingly to adjust for the "lean."

*Randy Moss has officially demanded a trade from the hapless Raiders. Okay, I know he didn’t actually say he was demanding a trade, but he did talk a bunch of shit and then said he wouldn’t be opposed to a trade. Since I’m pretty sure no one in the Raiders organization has even hinted at the prospect, Moss’ statement pretty much screams trade demand to me. It’s like when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to be in anymore, so you do the chicken shit thing and treat the other person so shitty that they’re the ones who have to be burdened with saying, “I never want to see your fat, stupid face again!” It usually works, but those last few weeks are no good for anybody. Personally, I can’t wait for the Dolphins to trade Culpepper for Moss straight up in what might be the most ironic football move in history, seeing as those two seem to be pretty much worthless without each other. That trade would also fulfill a lifelong fantasy of mine that I didn’t even know I had until now. That fantasy being to beat the Raiders twice in a season with both Aaron Brooks and Daunte Culpepper. How sweet would that be? Pretty dang sweet.

*Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union-Tribune-Chronicle-Post-Press wrote this little gem of an article today. Basically it says that everybody and their mother said all off-season that Philip Rivers wouldn’t be throwing the ball much this year, so we should all shut the fuck up and let Marty do his fucking job. This begs the question, “Did I dream that our stupid coach said the offense wouldn’t be pared back at all for Rivers?” Everybody is an ass hat in that one.

*Many of you probably noticed 1st round draft pick Antonio Cromartie running back the final kick-off return on Sunday. Looks like he may get more opportunities, as he has impressed coaches with his speed covering punts. This is no surprise to me since he is freaking Greased Lightning in Madden 2007. He gets there before the ball every time.

*Fantasy football is gay. There, I said it. I can not justify playing Ward against my Chargers this week, but I’m doing it anyway. I will have a large smile on my face when he gets me no points. I promise. Totally gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

That seems like about a handful. Sorry about the cursing, Mom. Go Bolts!!!

Waking Up Is Hard To Do.

All right, it’s time to get up on the old soapbox. I’ve had a few days now to digest Sunday morning’s debacle in Baltimore. I’ve been able to attempt a cooling off period so that I could be objective. And I will be objective. As objective as I can be in light of the situation.

“I want Marty’s head on a pike!”

And I think I’ll get it. A lot of people have been saying all along that Marty is gone this year if he doesn’t take us deep in the playoffs. I, myself, have long believed nothing short of a Superbowl appearance would save Schotty’s job. But I’m telling you right now, I more than expect our stoic “leader” to be gone by midseason if he doesn’t start letting this offense roll. For God’s sake, Antonio Gates has 10 receptions and one TD through three games! Inexcusable.

Don’t just take my word for it; check out these articles by Don Banks and Clark Judge. These aren’t your typical San Diego hacks, these are guys people actual read and at times respect the opinions of. The funny thing is that the sad sacks that write for our paper are even questioning the coach. Of course, with Nick Canepa, this probably has more to do with his school girl crush on GM A.J. Smith, who would love nothing more than to turn back time and set the coach loose two years ago. Who can blame him, though?

Of course, this is one game, and if this year is anything like last year, Marty will hang 47 points on Pittsburgh this Sunday and all will be temporarily forgiven. Right up until we run into this year’s Miami. Will it be St. Louis? Arizona? At some point, or more likely points, we will see this again. The tenuous grasp to a hopeless lead.

I’m tired of it, and that’s saying a lot. I have been something of a Marty apologist. I’ve been happy to see us putting up winning records two years in a row for the first time in a decade, but I have been blind. We didn’t put up those numbers because of Marty. We put them up in spite of Marty. And this year truly could be worse. He is scared to even let his young QB dump the ball off to Tomlinson. Come on! Sorry Marty, gone are the days when you can appease the fans by letting TBE throw a TD pass. It’s not enough. We want offense. We want the jugular. And we want these things every week. We have the TEAM to do it!

So, I say one. One more hiccup against a team we could obviously dominate and I would happy to see Wade Phillips as caretaker for this team for the rest of the season. Then, let’s bring in Whisenhunt from Pittsburgh. Wouldn’t that get L.A. excited, while pissing off Al Davis at the same time? Whatever happens, something must be done. Please, Go Bolts!!!

Don't Be Too Hard On This Guy.

He's hard enough on himself.

I don't hit on baseball very often, but with all the doom and gloom I'm hearing around town this morning, I thought I'd try to offer some solace. I watched the first hour of the game on TV and caught the rest here and there on the radio. Stupid job! Anyway, I saw Albert blast one out of his Pujols and put up enough runs to ultimately win the game. That swing of the bat seemed to really take the gas out of the fans of the Padres. Everyone is second guessing the decision to let Peavy pitch to the Cardinal slugger. Interestingly enough, no one was bitching about it when Pujols went down looking in his first at-bat. Now, I'm typically one to rag on Bochy for his little league style mentality-the same mentality that results with the murderers row of Mark Bellhorn and Todd Walker coming up with the bases loaded and one out in the 7th-but letting Peavy pitch there was the right call. I would have been happy to walk Pujols in every single at-bat of this series, but you have to let your ace off the leash there. No top tier pitcher is going to want to lay down for any batter, be it Bonds or the Babe. The real problem with Peavy is that he knows he's not going to get a lot of support. He typically goes up against the other teams big name guy, and the Padres batters fold like CJ in a home game of hold'em every time. So Peavy pushes. His mistakes snowball. Two ER is hardly a bad game but he has a hard time shutting the door once it opens. It gets him in trouble, and the other team coasts through our line-up with ease. I know, I know, where's the solace Colossus? The solace is this: In a five game series, there's no way we see Carpenter more than twice. Jeff Weaver goes tomorrow, and Lord knows he's good for what ails ya. So, the Padres don't get the revenge sweep. Big deal. I still think we do it in four ( I think we'll get Carpenter next time, personally). And you should too. The Cards are the freakin' underdogs this year. Go Padres!!!

Suck On This A One Time!

What the hell is up with all the ass holes in my town who hate my sports teams? Does this happen everywhere? I have to think that this is most likely a San Diego thing. This town is completely overrun with dipshit transplants who spent one college spring break here and decided to come back and start fights, date rape co-eds and generally shit all over town like they own the place. I swear I’ve met more surly, smarmy meatheads from New York, Boston, Philly and Chicago than I can remember, and 90% of them have left me grasping for a shred of compassion towards my fellow man. One major problem is that people from back east tend to make no attempt to hide the fact that they think people from the west coast are about as useful as a seat belt in a plane crash. The sense of entitlement is astounding. This becomes their town for a few years, they inevitably leave, and a whole new group of butt nugget frat boys move in. Thing is, though, I don’t really care. I know it sounds like I do, but I’m used to it. I can handle the over crowded bars. I can handle it when one of these shit bags thinks I don’t get their clever little jab at my expense. I’m from San Diego. I’m obviously a total retard. No problem. What I can’t understand is the seemingly inexplicable hatred so many of these people have for my teams. Especially the Chargers.

I give much props to anyone who brings their fandom all the way across the country. Lord knows I would still follow my beloved Bolts if I moved to Saskatchewan (Not if they moved to L.A., though. I once rooted for the Lakers until I realized what I was doing and became violently ill.). So, I can understand the hate if my team is playing your team. Hate away. That’s half the joy of being a rabid sports fan. In such a case, my team should have no chance in your eyes and I can appreciate any profanity laden tirade you care to make regarding my piss poor team and their complete lack of any chance of representing anything but ineptitude. Go for it, I’ll give it right back to you.

And say you’re relocated to San Diego from Denver, Oakland or KC. I certainly don’t expect you to embrace the Chargers. Not you, though, L.A., the Raiders have been gone for a decade or so, so get over it, bitches. The rest of you, though, I expect nothing but vitriol from the rest of you. Bring it, cause mine is sure to have already been broughten.

But what is up with you jerk-offs whose teams barely cross paths with the Bolts? Hey Giants fans, what’s your problem? I mean, we could claim to have a problem with your little sissy bitch QB, but what’s your beef? Is it that our players never seem to stand still when you’re trying to pelt them with ice balls, so you’re only able to hit our coaches? And Philly, how classy is it to harass me for wearing San Diego gear into your Eagle bar? I should think you’d appreciate the fact that San Diego has actually provided you with a bar of your own to go to. The truth is, though, it’s hard to find a bar that caters to Charger fans to the point that very few fans of other teams show up. I can think of bars that are stocked almost entirely with fans for the Steelers, Eagles or Niners off the top of my head, but the bar we go to fills up with Giants, Seahawks, Broncos and Patriots fans every Sunday, many of whom seem to be there more to ruin my experience than to enjoy their own game.

I started watching this team when I was six years old, and while San Diego is often knocked as a fair weather town, such is certainly not the case with the group of friends CJ and I watch the games with. The Charger organization has done much over the years to weaken the fan support of this team, and that’s unfortunate, but the fans are still here. They really are. Yet random Raider ass hat comes by my desk yesterday and asks me how my weekend went. I should have known I was being set up, but I answered with the well known refrain, “It was going great until my Chargers lost.” His reply: “So, I guess they’re not your favorite team anymore?” Okay, now that I type that out, it is a pretty good rip, but fuck you, Raider fan! You don’t know me!

I don’t expect you to come to my town and embrace my team. I know some people that have and it’s great, but I don’t think geography necessarily has to dictate the team you love. I just wish you’d shut the fuck up about how much you hate my Bolts, when you have no actual reason to care. You love my city? Then lay off my football team.

Actually, I don’t care what you say about my team, I just wanted to rant about all the fucksticks who come to my town and get in my way all day. And quit bitching about San Diego drivers, every ass bag on the road is from your town! Thanks for listening, maybe tomorrow I’ll write about football. Go Bolts!!!

Not This Again...

As per Max's previous post, now is not the time for ranting yet again with regard to the poor performances of our coaching staff this past gloriously ruined Sunday morning. I don't have the energy left in my body after last season's repeated ineptitude to follow it up the exact same way in season 2006. I just can't continue down that road.

The question is one of philosophy. Obviously the answer that has been pounded into my skull forcefully is one I disagree with wholeheartedly. I will never believe that instead of stabbing the dagger into the deepest part of your opponents soulless satanic fueled bodies, you should instead run the ball out of the same formation on every single play, throwing creativity and all things related to testicles out the window. No sir, I believe in cutting, beating, and stomping, until the opponent is metaphorically bleeding out of their eyes and ears while soiling their unis with tears streaming wildly. Unfortunately, we have a coaching staff who does not agree with or like my metaphorical scenario.

So we return to 2005. It was Philadelphia all over again. It was Pittsburgh and Dallas reincarnated. It was entirely shit. We can spend all kinds of time citing numerous examples, and maybe someone around here can still muster the energy to care, but I for one am out of that kind of energy (9 pass attempts in the second half, 5 of which came in the last 34 seconds, or close to that.) I can't do it anymore, I can't watch 2005 unfold all over again. We continue to beat ourselves. We will continue to beat ourselves. My weekly coronary will continue for 13 more weeks, and I blame that dickhead at the helm. One of us around here can be a Mary ( I left the T out on purpose, he's Mary from now on.) Schottenheimer apologist, but I won't be. I have had enough. No more of that. Take the team now and get the hell out of here, I'll help you pack the trucks and send you off with a slap in the neck and a smiling,"Enjoy L.A.". I'm not going to root for a football team that's being run by a group of guys that behave like pussies with no balls.

I'll try to be more clear about my position in the future...

What Have You Done To Our Longsnapper, Hussy!

I’m not going to go on some big rant about how the Chargers should have murdered that stupid team, or that we should have probably put that game away by the third quarter. I mean, I’ll rant some and probably a lot more in the week to come, but for now I’ll just hit on some of the key issues and concerns.

First, CJ picked an awful day to check and see if his Bolts hat was still unlucky. It is. In truth, cockiness abounded with the set we had rolling yesterday, none more guilty than myself. In a huge ironic twist, it was the girl who was preaching rationality all morning. Sadly, booze had already taken hold and our conviction could not be swayed. This made the victory much sweeter for the handful of Ravens faithful in attendance. We’ll see you boys again in the playoffs if you make it that far.

Second, Marty Schotteheimer picked an awful day to continue being Marty Schottenheimer. I am a common defender of old Schotty, but yesterday’s game plan was undefendable. I understand, as most football fans do but are unwilling to admit, the merit of defending a decent lead in the second half. We have a strong defense that is certainly up to the task. The problem here is that 6 points does not a DECENT lead make, you shmuck. You might have to think about converting a third down here and there if you intention is to eat clock. You may have to have some faith in your young QB and let him dump a ball or two to Tomlinson instead of handing it to him over and over up the gut. Douche bag! Oh, and if I ever see anything as ridiculous as that backwards rocket pass to TBE in the first half again, my head might explode and I will expect the district attorney to charge you with my murder. Murder’s a big time crime, buddy. Some might say the biggest.

Nate Kaeding picked an awful day to show A.J. Smith how retarded it is to keep signing players who are not Donnie Edwards to unjustifiably huge contracts. Don’t get me wrong, I like Kaeding a lot, but is $12+ million really what the market dictates?

David Binn picked an awful day to give in to uncontrollable sobbing fits over Pamela Anderson’s handful of marriages to Kid Rock. Move on, big guy. She’s gone. Now snap the ball, it’s your only job! Also, am I the only guy who didn’t realize that if the ball hits the ground on the snap, the other team is allowed to rape your kicker? That seems a little harsh, don’t you think?

One loss does hardly a losing season make, but if we don’t take it out on Pittsburgh Sunday night, I’ll be fit to be tied. I don’t want this season to get all iffy on me. Now, I’m going to go back to nursing my epic hangover and thinking about all the people I have to apologize to for the verbal diarrhea I had going on yesterday. Mother would not be proud. God, I’m an awesome drinker, but I’m sure a lousy drunk. Go Bolts!