I Finally Checked My DVR! Go Chargers!

I’ve put off my evaluation of our beloved San Diego Chargers this week for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, I’ve been on jury duty and feeling sorry for myself for not being plugged into the interverse like I normally am, so I took it out on all of you. Or I let you all off the hook. It all depends on how you want to look at it. The other reason is because I have convinced myself I’ve been allowing Monday Night-God, it makes me so mad it was on Monday Night!-to sink in. I figured a little time would allow me to be objective. So, get ready to be objectified.

Let’s talk about something good that happened. Melvin Ingram stopped a Raider drive early in the game by forcing a fumble. Merrimanesque! I’m also going to go ahead and give Ingram credit for the Raiders designing a play where the tailback-maybe the fullback-throws the ball at Taiwan Jones’ face. Someone on our team should get credit for that, why not Ingram? Personal fact: My father spent a large portion of my lifetime doing business in Taiwan and I bet he’s kicking himself for not realizing you could actually name a person Taiwan. Think about it. Maximum Taiwan. It’s got a ring to it.

Another good thing is that Philip Rivers threw not a single Riverception, even though it felt like he would all night. It also felt like he wasn’t allowed to throw the ball very far Monday Night, which is why-and I refuse to look this up-he was something like 19 of 24 for 17 yards. “Safe but nearly effective” is better than bamboo shoots smothered in mayonnaise. That is a thing I was made to eat in Taiwan once, and it is as bland as any offensive play call I saw Monday Night.

A third not bad thing that happened is that our running backs didn’t do anything too overtly embarrassing. They kind of opted for a “seen not heard” thing, which is good, because they did not mess up a single one of our field goal attempts. Good on ya, offensive backfield.

And how about that kicker of ours? He kicked all the field goals and even several touchbacks, which are worth nearly as many points as field goals. Seriously, only three points less. My cohort claims that Kid Kaeding is on steroids and that is narrow minded. He could easily be on HGH or have had bionics or horse tendons implanted in his girlish frame.

The defense was impressive, applying pressure, making sacks and forcing Palmer to throw the ball away on many occasions. Some of you cynics might say that had the Raiders bothered to employ any professional pass catchers, those players-by sheer law of averages-may have been standing where some of Palmer’s errant throws went. To that I say, maybe. But how do you explain that play where the one Raider guy threw the ball at Taiwan Jones’ face?! Melvin Ingram. Who plays for? That’s right, the defense. Impressive.

So, that’s it. All good. No bad. The Raiders are probably as good as anybody in the league and we were able to leg them to death, because Norv Turner knows that when you have a team totally dominated like that, you don’t just go and show the rest of the league your touchdown plays.

I feel great about this team. Go Bolts!

Quick Pick for Tonight

So, I need to get this pick in real quick before tonight's game starts, but I hope to later let you all know how I feel about our stinky poo Chargers. I don't want to give anything away, so keep in mind that I could mean anything when I say "stinky poo." Anyway, tonight.

Chicago @ Green Bay
Thursady Night Football? Check. NFL Network? Check. Fuck this game? Check. I could go to the bar and watch this game. I mean, I'm on jury duty right now so I get to sleep in, and honestly how sober does one need to be to decide the fate of one's fellow man? Not very, I feel. But I doubt I'll go to the bar to watch two teams I would have a hard time caring any less about. I know a lot of you hate Jay Cutler, but like Eli, I'm learning that there's no reason to hate anybody for talking shit about our terrible organization. Jay Cutler will likely win a Superbowl before Philip Rivers, and seeing as the guy seems to have grown up over the last couple of years (meaning he figured out his offensive line was more likely to protect him if he was less of a twat), maybe he deserves it. Be that as it may, I don't quite buy the premature demise of Green Bay just because they lost to a very good Frisco team last week. Greg Jennings is out. It's not going to matter.
Packers 31, Bears 27

Week 1 Premature Grading Scale Finale...

Our final two contests that wrapped up the gloriousness that was week one of the NFL season were remarkably mediocre in their execution. Final two games to grade, again, on a mostly pass fail basis unless you know, I want to be a bit more of a dick than that. Here we go...

• Baltimore- Pass.  Pretty good showing by what many including myself believe, that is, an aging defense can no longer carry the ineptitude of Joe Flacco and his merry band of disappointment. Needless to say, not unlike in Philadelphia, Ray Rice, clearly the team's best player is just not utilized to the degree he should be as one of the best football players on the planet right now. Nope, let's prove that Joe Flacco is the guy by repeatedly featuring his clearly second rate skill set in lieu of winning. But, for week one he passed. Ed Reed is still not a Charger though how so do I covet him. Ray Lewis didn't kill anyone for the umpteenth consecutive week so we have that to be thankful for. B- Ravens. Sorry you don't control your opponent, but Cincy has to do some more proving before I'm sold. And well, Baltimore is just a sucky place. 
• Cincinnati- What is there to say about these guys? Do we really know anything about them whatsoever? Andy Dalton has red hair. Just when he appears to be somewhat competent, he serves up an Ed Reed Special and there's a horse race the end zone that no Bengal is winning. A.J. Green shows a bit of promise. But you guys just aren't there yet. Maybe you'll be something someday, but for now people are still confusing you with the Browns and really, that's not flattering. Fail. 
• Raiders- Wow. What a bunch of suck are you Oakland? I understand that Darren McFadden is a great running back and will never be healthier the entire season than in week one, but to fire all of your tight ends and not really employing any actual NFL calibre receivers is not an offense that will pass muster in this league. And seriously, your penalty act is cliche. Quit being such a one trick pony. As usual, you're a bunch of fucking fail all wrapped up in a faux tough exterior. Your season appears to have died with your owner.
• Chargers- Again, wow. So...our game plan was to kill the long snapper and ride that road to victory? Norv is clearly a genius mastermind of epic proportions to have thought up that bit of trickeration. The offense was vanilla and inept at moving the football on the ground. The passing game was all right, though I am a bit suspect of a questionable offensive line keeping Laserface's uniform clean. I have to think a competent organization that is not the Raiders will come up with a more viable game plan exploiting our weaknesses. That organization will not be Tennessee. So, for week one, Pass. Unimpressively. C. And remember what I said about C's. They are for condescending dickheads, which again, you are. But, you're a 1-0 group of condescending dickheads which is acceptable. And oh, Nate Kaeding totally ate all the steroids in the world. The guy hasn't kicked the ball past the opponents 20 yard line in his career and now he's banging touchbacks repeatedly? STEROIDS. Steroids. 

That's it for week one. And boy did that feel good! Football, concussions, substandard officiating, overly reactionary media and extraordinarily bad commentary are back and I for one welcome it all! Except you Berman. And Dilfer. You suck. Fail for you. There is no greater fail than the two of you. The Challenger Space Shuttle had less fail than you. F. No wait. FF--. You make abortion look like a Disney film. 

Monday Night is Here at Last

It's here! It's here! Football is finally here for San Diego! And Oakland! And Cincinnati and Baltimore! Is that it? Okay, well, I almost forgot to pick these last two games, but opinions I have, so let's at them.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore
I don't know why, I just have a feeling. Baltimore is going to show signs of suckage this year. I don't know if it's Suggs being out or if I just hate how dull they are, but I like a hungry young Bengals team so spank them a bit tonight. Maybe it's just because I need a big game from AJ Green to salvage an otherwise shitty fantasy weekend? Or maybe it's because the filthy Ravens tanked it in San Diego last year and played a big role in saving Norv Turner? Suck it, Bal'mer.
Bengals 24, Ravens 13

San Diego @ Oakland
Well, if you don't know what I think of Norv's Soft Patch Army of Babies by now, you're not paying attention. It's time for your wake-up call, San Diego. I watched Frisco's second string run at will against this newly fortified Chargers defense; I can only imagine what McFadden does in his one healthy game this season. The Raiders are going to be physical and aggressive and the Bolts aren't going to be ready for it. Expect the Raiders to come out early and take charge. Then expect the Bolts to make a late surge and come up short.
Raiders 28, Chargers 26

And it begins. Start working on your mock drafts, because you're going to want this season to be over soon.

Week 1 Premature Grading Scale...

I decided to start grading the weekly performances of each team as a barometer of where the Chargers will ultimately rank in the hierarchy of the NFL during the season. Obviously, this will shake out far better later in the season when I'm not making snap judgements based on one game, but a larger sample size.  However, the longer I wait, the more blogginheads will be doing this with far more accuracy and the fun of the immediacy will dissipate.  Some grades are on a pass fail basis others are more clearly defined.  So we go...

• Cowboys- Eh, Fail.  Wait for and expect the disappointment Cowgirls.  You're terrible. When will you quit leading the league in hamstring pulls? 
• Giants- Obvious fail. You lost to the Cowgirls. Kill yourselves. Seriously. Kill yourselves before you back your way in to another Super Bowl. 
• Colts- Fail. Rookie Quarterback. Reggie Wayne so wishes he was in Denver right now.
• Bears- God Dammit. Pass. Fuck you Jay Cutler. I hate you. But you played okay. I hope you get herpes.
• Eagles- Uh. Super Fail? Duper Fail? How much fail can you pack into one game? You owe all of the fans their money back. Your failure is indefensible and you are wholly unlikeable and are possibly going to cost me money. Give the ball to Shady every time you idiots. EVERY TIME.
• Cleveland- Sorry Cleveland. You're used to failure. Try to overachieve sometime and not fail so blatantly. The internet even ignores you which is impossible. 
• Rams- Fail. So close to pass. But Sam Bradford is an unlikable character in a bad novel and a really bad quarterback. Stephen Jackson, fake a hamstring injury and force your way out of town before you're totally forgotten and wasted. 
• Lions- You get like a D+ and I'm not even sure that's a passing grade. You should be ashamed celebrating that victory. Get your stomp back.
• Dolphins- Ugh. So bad. You make failure look good.
• Texans- Pass. Congratulations. You destroyed a bottom five team. But you did it without anyone caring because you are irrelevant.  Good work on you!
• Falcons- Pass. Well shut my mouth Matt Ryan. You're a first ballot hall of famer.  Don't fuck it up.
• Chefs- Boo. Fail. Yousuckchefs.
• Jaguars- Fail. Fail. Fail. Go away please.
• Vikings- Adrian Peterson passes. Ponder will be pondered. C.  You get a C. C's are for condescending dickheads. Which you are. 
• Redskins- Pass. Good work new guy Griffin III. Make Daniel Snyder buy you some hookers. 
• Saints- Eh. You got issues like a bad drunken reality show. You lost to the Redskins at home. Fail. Fail. Fail. So close to almost not being total failures though. No quit in you. Best no quit failures. That's an award to aspire to. 
• Bills- No one cares about upstate New York. Fail.
• Jets- No one cares about the second fiddle in New York, but you got spunk for what will be a bunch of failures. For now, C-. Pass. But you shouldn't feel good about it you dysfunctional group of garbage men. 
• Patriots- Pass. Yawn.
• Titans- Fail. And I'm looking directly at you CJ28. Take the money and run...or don't run just take the money. At least you broke pretty boy's nose. 
• Seahawks- Fail. You made Beast Mode look bad and that bothers me. And you're awful. Fail. 
• Cardinals- Fail. You made the Seachickens look terrible. But that makes you look worse. Sorry Fitty, you're going to toil in hell forever. At least you'll be rich. 
• 49ers- God Dammit. Pass. That was impressive. Disgusting. Horrifying. But impressive nonetheless. 
• Packers- Fail. Fuck you for making the 49ers look so good. Discount double fail. 
• Panthers- Fail. Cam Newton is now a first round fantasy draft pick. Um. No. In reality pick, he's just not good yet. Mike Tolbert had two catches for negative 8375 yards. Way to leave money on the table to leave San Diego Mike. F. Fail. F. 
• Buccaneers- eh. C. You beat the Panthers. I don't think anyone else but me watched so no one knows. But, a win is a win. You pass. Barely.
• Steelers- Fail. What are you gonna say? The Broncos own you at home. Even with TEBOW you lose. Manning was better but that only puts a little shine on your FAIL. 
• Broncos- Cough. Um. Argh. Ugh. ACK. ARRRGGGGHHHSHHHIT... Pass. DAMMIT. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. But you know. You looked all right. You know. Like winning all decisively at home with Peyton Manning as your quarterback and all. Fuck. I'm going to go cry and vomit at the same time now. Needs more neck surgery. FUCK. 

That's your first Sunday of analytical scientificlike grades. Monday games to follow. Welcome back football! Even the hatred feels wonderful!

Nostradomus Time? Did I Spell That Right?

So, I'm sure the two of you are surprised I didn't go apeshit and rip Acee and Canepa for their articles a couple of days ago, and frankly I'm surprised myself. But how many times must I return to the well when nothing they say is a surprise? Sure, when Acee addresses the Gaither situation by saying that history says that it may not matter, it would be easy to write an entire article about how far that guy has his head up AJ's butthole, but that ain't work my friends. So, while I was upset that those guys already basically beat my cohort and I to the Upcoming Chargers Excuses post we were preparing, I'm just going to let all of that bullshit slide for now. They're going to write no less than 32 more terrible columns in the coming season and they'll get theirs.

For now, after my amazing Wednesday Night Football prediction of a Dallas upset over the Superbowl Champion VaGiants, I feel the need to push my luck further yet and pick the rest of this week's contests. So get your bookie on the phone, because these picks are money in the bank.

Indy @ Bears
This might already be my favorite game. In my money league the other guy is starting Luck. People love Luck. I have no doubt Luck will turn out to be a fine quarterback because that's what I've been told 1,000 times, which makes it true, but there is no way a rookie is going to turn around a team as bad as Indy was last year without Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, the Bears are as good at getting to the other team's QB as they are at letting the other team get to theirs.
Bears 42, Colts 9

Philly @ Cleveland
Good news, Philly fans! I didn't draft Vick this year in any of my fantasy league's, so there is no reason for your team to underachieve so terribly. Bad news, Browns fans! You're still the Browns.
Eagles 35, Browns 13

St. Louis @ Detroit
It would be easy for me to say that it's like the offseason never happened for these teams. To say that Detroit with continue to impress with its stable of young talent. It would be easy to say that Rams fans will continue to make their fans sad. So that's what I'm going to do.
Lions 37, Rams 17

Miami @ Houston
Houston already has Arian Foster as a gametime decision because they hate Fantasy Football down there in Houston. But that doesn't really hurt their chances in this actual game either way. Everyone knows Miami isn't really much to be reckoned with until their season is over. I look forward to another spoiler run late in the season from the Dolphins. And I'm sure that's all their fans want too. That's how you get butts in the seats. Pay attention, NFL!
Texans (Ugh, get a name alredy!) 27, Fins 20

Atlanta @ KC
My first real challenge here. Atlanta is still a critical darling, but they are terrible at rising to their unearned reputation. Most people have come around to realizing KC is poised to strike at the division title after getting all of their players back from injury this season, but my feeling is that they will be slow out of the gate. I'm tempted to predict a tie here, but I don't have the balls for a move like that.
Chiefs 24, Falcons 20

Jax @ Minnesota
This game could easily be the game that decides the number one pick in the draft. I actually think, for no good reason, that both of these teams will be somewhat competitive. I have no real basis for that, but I do. This game might be more interesting if both the marquee players, Peterson and MJD, were going to get anything more than the dreaded "limited work" in this game. Because I like Minnesota on a personal level, I'm picking Jacksonville. This season will torture me on every front.
Jags 13, Vikings 10

Wash @ NO
Lost in bountygate is the fact that New Orleans coaches had to do something, because that defense is not good unless they're getting the bounces. RG III will have an impressive outing against this bumbling squad, I think. But it won't be enough, because even replacement refs love Drew Brees.
Saints 34, Skins 31

Buffalo @ Jets
Much has been made of the Jets offensive clusterfuck in the offseason, but very little mention has been made of their defense, which should still be pretty dominant and able to keep them in games. Buffalo are media darlings right now, and expectations are high. It's time for the team on the field to crush those expectations.
Jets 20, Bills 17*

NE @ Tennessee
It's fun to type Tennessee. Who's their QB now? Jake Locker? Are the Pats still trotting out Tom Brady? That's a bad match-up.
Pats 37**, Titans 21

Seattle @ Arizona
Russell Wilson (is that right?) had a Ryan Leafian preseason, so I've penciled in the Seahawks for the Superbowl. My pencil is a crayon, but that's neither here nor there. Arizona is starting John Skelton, who is an NFL QB from what I've heard. Get ready for another year of wondering what kind of numbers Fitty would put up if AZ had ever considered the possibility Kurt Warner would reire and then done something about it.
Seahawks 20***, Cards 17

Frisco @ Green Bay
Huge match-up!
49ers 24, Packers 21

Carolina @ Tampa Bay
It's like Randall Cunningham against Steve McNair! There, that's my one overtly racist comment for the whole year, but let it be known that I was only trying to lampoon the media's compulsion to compare black QBs to one another. I like the Bucs this year to not have a 13 game losing streak. But I don't like them here.
Panthers 28, Bucs 24

Pitt @ Denver
Nothing all that interesting about this match-up I hope the announcers can find something to talk about.
Steelers 23, Broncos 17

There's your picks for today's games. At least, that's what it said in that book Old Man Tannen showed me. Go make a fortune!

Happy footballing, People! Choke on it, my team doesn't play until tomorrow night...again.

*I have a never ending soft spot for the Bills and fully expect them to be a break out team this year, even with that snooty Harvard QB of theirs. Growing a beard won't make me forget what you are, Poindexter!

**I can't wait for Belichek/Brady to force the ball to Aaron Hernandez all year, because Gronkowski went in the first round of two of my drafts and the Patriots hate you.

***For a long time I harbored unreserved hatred for the Seahawks. It's a major testament to the likability of Marshawn Lynch that I'm practically a fan. If he ever leaves I go right back to hating them.

Cowboys vs. VaGiants

So, I guess I'll throw out a few words and a quick prediction on the big NFC East Match-up tonight. First off, the NFL moved the game up a spot because of the DNC, which should be enough to get you all to vote for Romney. Effing terrible. The Thursday opening game is such a sack of shit to begin with, and now we're opening the season on a Wednesday! Are you ready for some Wednesday Night Football! If your team is unlucky enough to get this horrible starting date, get ready for a week and a half of no football for you! Fun! Play all the games on Sunday, please. Just eliminate all the other nights, even Monday. One day. Whole shootin' match. Glorious. Why do we even watch this sport anymore? This sport is run by people who hate you and want to rob you of your money. They are deplorable. They moved the draft to primetime so they could get more advertiser money. No one else in the world ever called for that, ever. No one. And no one needs a stutter start bullshit game 3 days before the season actually starts. Sorry, four damn days this year. So, enjoy this football game that will more than anything remind you that you have four more days until football starts. Five if you're a Chargers fan, because the NFL hates Chargers' fans most of all. And I don't totally blame them. HAng around in the UT comments section for a few hours and tell me you want to be identified as a Chargers fan.

Anyway, there's a game I hear. I don't really know if either of these teams actually did anything in the offseason. Honestly, I don't even know if they drafted anyone. I mean, I guess the Giants shed Mario Manningham and Brandon Jacobs and there was something about Jason Witten's spleen, but mostly these teams seem to be the exact same teams they were before. Which makes sense because all of the gutless sports jerks in the world are just picking the VaGiants to win in a hotly contested match-up, just like they have the last four times or whatever. But I beg to differ. Look, the VaGs do typically start the season out okay, but they never really give anyone any reason to believe they are a contender until you suddenly look up and realize that they just won the Superbowl again. I swear Eli Manning could be the world's greatest jewel thief. Or at least a top notch pickpocket. So easy to overlook. The Cowboys, on the other hand, make a living out of force feeding false hope to their ridiculous fanbase. This is just the kind of game they come out and win to say to their fans, "This is gonna be our year!" while saying to the rest of us, "Look how far we're gonna tumble before this is all said and done." That's why I'm calling this one Cowboys 34, VaGiants 30

Let the season begin! And then sort of stall out and sputter back to life in four days...

Off We Go...

Holy hell has this been an offseason entirely befit of the Mayans end of the world scenario.  This offseason felt like a three day root canal in the dentist's chair.

Moves were made, players jettisoned, new players signed in their stead and the local media types writing words, oh so many words about so many reasons for optimism. The GM has finally signed the guys that the head coach, the oh so undeservingly maligned head coach finally has the personnel to execute his unflappable system. Bad and low character guys out. New high reward potential guys in.  Injured guys out.  Depth in.  Draft day genius, getting exactly the guy we wanted when obviously so many others in front finally had their Sammy Davis moment! HOOORAH! It's finally our turn!

Only problem is I just don't see it. And that in and of itself has added to what amounts to the normal amount of suck the offseason contains and turned it into exponential suck. I know I have a reputation for being pessimistic at times about this squad and it's management as the archives around here will attest, however, more recently than not we've been right over here about the true reality of what we're facing to the chagrin of the most dedicated of Charger faithful.  I too have had my conversations with die hard local after die hard local, one of whom has actually deluded himself into believing 13 wins is a lock.  Unlike Max, I didn't have the heart to even try to separate him from his money.

Like Max, I'm going to try to be objective and break this down point by point as to why our offseason wasn't to be praised with a word bukkake shall we...

*Running Game: I won't rehash Max's comments on the China Doll that is Matthews. I'm actually not all that down on him right now, a broken collarbone I'm chalking up to a freak accident is something he won't be ready to come right back from, but he'll play. It's what happens when he's back that is worrisome.  He already has a rep for being a bit fumbly, which has seemingly been swept under the rug by the local guys for the time being. But when his ankle sores up and he upchucks the leather in a crucial moment, the slope will start getting all slippery again. As far as the depth at the position, see Max's comments below...

*Offensive Line: "McNeil! Hey! You're cut! Gaither! Here's a pile of cash! Don't like that? There's plenty more scratch where that came from! Get out there? Oh. What? You can't play today? What? You're having back spasms? You're in the cafeteria line. How heavy is that tray? Why do you smell like strawberries and champagne? Is that glitter on your shirt? Hey, are those your singles on the ground there? Anyway, we've got practice in twenty, get out there and show me something and your signing bonus effectively doubles. What? You can't? Well, how long will it be? Soon? Good enough for me!"  At least that's how it plays out in my head.  I was of the opinion that we should have drafted 7 offensive linemen in April.  Fuck it. Who needs defense? And if the running game is as shored up as the GM keeps telling us, and if ol'Laserface really wasn't injured last year and was just heaving pick sixes due to all the pressure of the broken down not at all deep offensive line, then draft all linemen. Well, I guess that approach didn't fit the model so much, though one lineman we drafted tore his pec weeks before the draft and tumbled down the board.  Not to be swayed, the Godfather took a guy two rounds too early that won't see a snap until 2013. So there's that.  Signs are pointing towards better decision making with this free agency thing.

*Receivers: What Philip needs is more weaponry.  VJ. Gone.  A.J. was finally able to rid us of that albatross. Lost in that was how we were completely out of the game with him signing the $55.55 million dollar contract. A.J. was only willing to go to $11 million. That half million? Dealbreaker. You're out. Get out. Get your stuff and get out. Wait! Leave your stuff and get out. Proven veterans? Free agents? IN. Roscoe Parrish, Robert Meacham, Morgan? Michael Spurlock, Eddie Royal. Those are some names. Look, we did some free agency! Doesn't it feel good? Forgive me for not being all excited about a bunch of middling vets that have always shown flashes of potential, like they are just about to take that first step right before they make the leap, but then some unforeseen alien force derails that campaign. Again. While I appreciate the effort to bring in some recognizable names that will hopefully camouflage the debacle that was Jackson's tenuous relationship here, it's hollow. These guys are not VJ. These have already been injured and or cut, and or are not Vincent Jackson. But oh IF they could be...

*Quarterbacking: PR. Laserface. So torn with this guy. Perhaps last year was an anomaly. Perhaps he is regressing. Perhaps with weapons and protection he returns to form. Perhaps he has peaked. IF ONLY WE KNEW! All I know is that Quarterback Jesus, or the big sexy as Max knows him by, should never ever be allowed on the field ever. And Billy Volek turned down a contract from A.J. A contract that would have paid him money to do nothing for another year but make money. Methinks he and A.J. may not have had a friendly negotiation and departure. I can see it...."Volek! Here's a $20, you're our backup! No? You don't want to play for ME? Get out. Get out. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT! Boller. BOLLER! Get in here! Here's a $20, you're our backup. Meetings start in ten. What? You're retired? GIMMEE MY $20 BACK YOU SONOFABITCH GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!" No dysfunction at all...

*Norv:  Oh. God. Dammit. You're still here? God dammit. Besides the entirety of the niner game that demonstrated how we are clearly not contenders (I'm not rehashing the preseason debate here, it counts as Max clearly stated below) the Norv era was finally cast in stone for any doubter left to see.  As Max mentioned, late in the 4th quarter of that blowout job, Harbaugh the Elder (Younger?) challenged a Charger spot that he won leaving us with 4th and some small change in a 35-3 PRESEASON game.  When he threw his little red hanky, Norvelle Turner got all Norvyfaced and had a whine fest on the sideline.  "Harbaugh! You big meanie! You're gonna challenge that spot late in the 4th quarter of a preseason game where you've clearly already proven how much preparation and discipline can lead to good things on the football field? You big jerk! Oh, you won? Okay, I'll punt."  I mean seriously, these conversations are stupid right? CJ, you can clearly do better with your dialogue man...you're probably right. I could probably make up something better, but these conversations actually HAPPENED! I CAN'T MAKE UP THE TRUTH! If Norv wasn't Norv but any other coach in the league, he'd have at the very least gone for it on 4th down and a foot there. Why wouldn't you go for it? Send a goddamned message! If you don't make it, and assuredly you won't because they'll never see the McClain up the middle dive you'd call coming anyway, if Harbaugh scores again he'll be chastised for running up the score in this our new more sensitive NFL. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES! I know why he didn't go for it. He didn't want to tip his 4th and 1 they'll never see it coming dive play. Gonna need that for later in the season. Oh. And the other reason is that he's a horrible giant pussy of a coach. What's left...oh the schedule.

*The Schedule: This season is already full of IFS. To the point where even the Canepa has written about how our IFS are key to the season and if this and if that then we'll maybe possibly be something. IF. You know what they say about if's and buts and candy and nuts. I know our ifs don't lead to any butts or candy or anything. Nothing good comes from our ifs, except maybe another year of A.J. and Norv. Oh that happened already. Okay, get to the schedule already...

Opponent
at Oakland
TENNESSEE
ATLANTA
at Kansas City
at New Orleans
DENVER
BYE
at Cleveland
KANSAS CITY
at Tampa Bay
at Denver
BALTIMORE
CINCINNATI
at Pittsburgh
CAROLINA
at N.Y. Jets
OAKLAND

As this post has gone on longer than the terrible offseason and was nearly as bad, here's the summary of that list:

Loss
Toss up, I'm not ready to put Loss here but I'm leaning that way
Loss
Loss
Loss
Win(?) Confidence level "LOW"
Bye
Win
Win
Loss
Loss
Loss
Win
Loss
Loss
Loss
Win

I could be wrong. All those IFS may come through for us. Maybe Max and I are the stupid ones. We'll find out shortly.  But what I'm most excited about is IF things do go the way I think they might...oh can I not wait for the excuses. I'm already dreaming about the excuses for this year. Those will be posted shortly.  Happy long weekend. Go Bolts.

Your San Diego Chargers

Holy buckets, that was terrible. I think my favorite part was Philip Rivers intentionally grounding the ball with his left hand. I have no idea why he had to do that since all the local press is telling me that pass protection was very good last night, but he did. Of course, Rivers tried his damnedest to erase the memory of that foible by blasting yet another hideous INT into quadruple coverage on the ensuing 3rd and goal from the 21. Sorry Philip, you're going to have to do better than that because I am still laughing. But at least Rivers isn't afraid to take a chance in the "meaningless" preseason, unlike Norv, who punted the ball after a Harbaugh spot challenge put the Chargers at 4th and about a foot in the 4th quarter down by 1,000 points or so. It's the preseason, Norv, are you practicing giving up in the 4th quarter? I can only assume that after the game Harbaugh went to Norv's house and gave him a swirly in the toilet while Norv's wife made him a sandwich. God, if that wasn't a tale of two coaches! One squad looked like seasoned professionals with a brutal and unflinching gameplan and 16 starters on the bench (17, really, since Alex Smith handed the ball off 5 times and then took a nap). The other team was the Chargers. Mistake after mistake. Pure panic after dropping behind. Complete quit when the game got out of hand.

The local media is taking two angles on this. The first is the sad silver lining angle of, "Well, no one got hurt in the game." Inspiring. The second, emminently more laughable one, is that they at least got this out of their system in the preseason. Whew! They got rid of that finite amount of suck they were holding onto just in time! Everybody's going to play the preseason angle for the next ten days. They're going to tell you not to panic on account of this game because the preseason is a joke. But here's the thing. The preseason is not a joke all the time. Yes, the preseason is a joke when you win. Most teams are playing a dumbed down offense and defense, just trying to get their players into game shape and round out the rosters. Most teams don't expect to put together stellar performance after stellar performance in the preseason, but they expect to see where there strengths and weaknesses lay. When you're team is incapable of looking consistently good in any facet of the game throughout the preseason. When you sit your starters because you're afraid the other team might hurt them. When your QB continues to exhibit exactly the type of poor decision making that cost your team any hope of getting to the playoffs last year. When your brittle RB breaks his clavicle on his first carry. When the guy you paid to take over the most important spot on the Offensive Line refuses to take the field. When the guys you picked up to take the place of your most effective WR, who skipped town because he couldn't get along with your megalomaniacal GM, cannot get into the endzone. When all of those things are going on in the preseason, it is not a joke.

I think after last night a lot of people's eyes were opened to what's really going on here. It's only going to get worse, because after this the games matter. And that's when teams actually come to play. But not Norv's teams.

P.S. Billy Ray Smith is the absolute worst. Actually made me look forward to Berman.

The Red Pill

So, tonight ends the preseason for our beloved Chargers with a final scrimmage against the San Francisco 49ers. This is an interesting game if only for the fact that the Chargers have said Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates will see time. Last week, Norv decided to sit his two most important offensive players, in a game every other team views as a dress rehearsal for starters, rather than to subject them to Jared Allen and the vaunted Minnesota Vikings defense. Seriously, how did Allen get 22 sacks last year? Do opposing teams refuse to watch tape on the Vikings? Baffling. Dude was one Brett Favre gimme sack away from the record! Anyway, the Chargers sat Rivers, and it was a good move as sexy back-up Charlie Whitehurst was harrassed for the entirety of his time on the field. And tonight Rivers and Gates will be up against the best defense from last year's NFL. Of course, most of those starters will be on the bench. In street clothes. Or in a bar. Or wherever starters for other teams go for the fourth preseason game. I guess the thinking is that if Rivers and Co. beat up on the 49ers back-ups, the fans will get excited and buy tickets so that I can watch home games on TV. I like it. But seriously, does that inspire real confidence in you Chargers faithful?

I have shouted from the mountaintops my very generous prediction for this season of a 6-10 record. Honestly, though, I think we should all prepare for 12 losses. Let me tell you about a conversation I recently had with a couple of other Chargers fans I know. Whilst tipping back a few refreshing beverages with these friends of mine the conversation turned, as it is wont to do, to the upcoming football season, and more specifically to how our dear Chargers would fair. 10-6 type predictions were thrown about with no regard for the actual physical existence of the team and coach on the field. One gent went so far as to say 12 wins wouldn't be overly surprising, tempting me to inform the bartender that his innebriation had hit the tipping point, so to speak. Let me pause briefly to tell you a little something about yourselves, Chargers faithful (you fellow fairweathers like myself may cover your ears if you like). You want to believe the Bolts are that team that whooped on the Ravens last year and not the actual team we have been fielding for at least the last three years. You want to take one game against a team with road issues all last year and rewrite history with it. But the dirtiest part of your little secret is that deep down inside you know it isn't true. You know what team you have. You know who your coach is. Your GM. Your owner. Because...after all of this Chargers braying I offered my two dear friends each a wager of $50-an entirely unoffensive amount, really!-that the Chargers would not put together more than a mere 6 wins on the coming season. 6! Needless to say of myself and my friends, none of us will be any the more richer or any the more poorer for that bet at the end of the season, because alas there were no takers. Sad story. True story.

 And do you know what AJ will say when we lose 12 games? He will say it's your fault. He will say the fans pushed for more free agency signings and more transparency. He will say that if he and Norv had been allowed to operate the way they wanted to operate, that they would've righted the ship rather than run it aground and straight into a dynamite factory.

Let us list some of our woes for giggles and shits, what say you?

Ryan Mathews: Oh brother is this guy an injury problem. My God, doesn't it start to feel like he's trying to get hurt? He seems optimistic for his chances of a swift return to action, but doesn't this just feel like the kind of thing that is going to cast a long shadow over our season, because...

The other RBs: Suck. Ronnie Brown is more injury prone than Mathews and this is the guy Norv likes. Brinkley. This is probably the guy fans want because they've seen him before. For like, one game. McClain, Battle? Oh my, this unit needs to get it together, because...

Philip Rivers: Has looked really pretty shitty so far this season. I don't think he should be allowed to throw the ball to Robert Meachem anymore since nothing good ever seems to come of that, but if you've ever seen Norv's playbook it says right there on the front page "First and foremost Troy Aikman QB#1 must force the ball downfield to Michael Irvin WR#1 at all times. But if he doesn't throw to Meachem, who can he throw to, because...

Receivers: Malcolm Floyd is one overextension away from missing 3 games (this guy makes Mathews and Brown look like a couple of regular Cal Ripkins) and Eddie Royal ain't no juggernaut either. That guy was one of our most vaunted offseason signings and has yet to get on the field. I guess a proven guy like that doesn't need any tune-up play, sort of like...

Offensive Line: Jared Gaither. This guy has been out for a month with back spasms. Back spasms?! What the Hell are back spasms and how do they keep you from playing football?! Back spasms are a sort of Hallmark for lazy guys who hate to practice and think they can show up week one and play themselves into shape right away. Those guys are alwalys wrong. Always. And don't look now, but Hardwick and Tyronne Greene are hurt too. And do you realize how bad your line has to be for you to be that upset Tyronne Greene isn't in it? Antonio Gates is going to have to line up standing next to Rivers if Rivers is going to have any chance of finding the time to throw him the ball. It's called a hand off.

And now for the defense, who I actually believe will me our strength this year, at least by comparison to the offense. These poor saps got raked across the coals last year while the offense went around happily coughing up the ball one way or another for the entire season. Look closer and there were some things to like about this unit. Eric Weddle, even though he has a real problem with haircuts and not sounding like an a-hole, really acquitted himself on the field last year and I have to give him credit for that. Antwan Barnes had 11 sacks in limited play last year and didn't bother to shout it at the local media every chance he got. Just quietly did an exceptional job. Donald Butler has all the makings of a solid playmaker. Quentin Jammer continued to be a solid presence in the secondary, despite the fact that fans crucified him for getting beat up by Megatron. Who doesn't?! Some fans. But Jammer has to be good, because...

The other DBs: Antoine Cason is so bad. Just so not very good at all. Painful to watch at times. And Gilchrist? Well Gilchrist only did an adequate job of standing in for Cason at times. Thankfully, they've got...

Safety: A rookie safety to lean on back there with Weddle. Oh, I think they signed Atari Bigby too and he's got a sweet throwback name so what's not to love? Well, all these guys need to get it together, because they're going to see a lot of action while...

Defensive Line:  We put the weight of our defensive season on the shoulders of a rookie. No way that can backfire.

So there you have it. Enjoy the season. Look, I hate to be so negative here, but I watch my friends spend their hard earned money on tickets and official merchandise and I read what the local media writes and listen to AJ on the radio and I feel like the only person in the whole world who knows that we're in the Matrix. Come back to reality, it's so cold and refreshingly desolate. Go Bolts!!!

Lazy Theory Has No Legs; Sits Down, Takes a Load Off

Jared Gaither has missed 14 straight practices due to "back spasms." Now, our friends at the UT cannot mention these "back spasms" without comparing them to earthquakes, because have you heard Gaither is a big man? He is. It's all they talk about over there. He's huge. He takes up three spots on the bench, the man is so big.

Jared Gaither has been referred to as "The Big Lazy" in some circles and I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey MC, that's the problem right there! This guy isn't suffering from debilitating "back spasms," he's just lazy! Why hasn't anybody pointed this out?!" Well, I'll tell you why. Because it's wrong. Prepare to be scienced.

Gaither was released by two teams last year and has been quietly referred to as "The Big Lazy" by industry insiders. That alone puts his lazy rating at a whopping +6! Add the fact that he's 6'9" and very big boned and that rating skyrockets to a mindboggling +9. Ryan Leaf barely tipped the scale with a lazy rating of +4.5. So far, the lazy theory is a strong one. But the Chargers were aware of this fact, and were far too savvy to take a chance on someone with a lazy rating that high. The first thing the Chargers did was to remove any kind of competition for the LT position. This fosters a confidence in the lazy player that experts will tell you can knock 2-3 points off a players lazy score. Minimum! Then, and this is crucial, the Chargers paid Gaither not to be lazy. Reports have Gaither's contract as having around $7 million in guaranteed money, with easily hittable escalators-even for the laziest of the lazy-that would bring that figure up to $12 million. Each million knocks one whole point of a players lazy rating. So, even on the low end, with no escalators and minor non-competition factors Gaithers score should dip all the way down to +/-0. So there you have it. Gaither is not at all lazy. In fact, his possible -6 lazy rating means it's likely that he is very highly dedicated to the game of football and that nothing short of true incapacitation would keep him off the field.

Damn back spasms.

If Acee Could Only Clone His Heart So He Could Love Weddle Twice As Much

Today Kevin Acee contributed yet another in a long series of fluff pieces about Eric Weddle to the UT. Of, course, Weddle went a long way towards proving the doubting Thomases out there wrong last season-myself included-but dammit, Acee's going to beat the stragglers into submission with more effusive praise than any ordinary man can take. Although it starts out a little rough:

“It’s kind of been like that my whole life,” he has said (these exact words) to me more than once. “I never get the respect I think I deserve. It’s fine. It’s gotten me where I’m at.”

First off Acee, quotation marks already mean "these exact words" unless otherwise noted. If you need to up that word count, just go with what students have been doing since the dawn of essays and say that everything is very very whatever. Anyway, as far as player quotes go, this is kind of bitchy. I'm going to go ahead and assume he was asked a leading sort of question, but this answer-while pretty standard on the surface-does nothing for my impression of Eric Weddle. Too bitter. But wait!

This is not to portray Weddle as bitter.

Well, never mind then. Weddle love-in? Back on!

If I were forced to pick just one Chargers player to clone, it would be Weddle. It would be a tough call, since I’d take Rivers as my quarterback 20 times out of 19. But not only have I seen Rivers run, I’ve seen Weddle play quarterback. He did at times in college. Also punted and held on placements. Played a little running back, too.

Please, all of you criminal masterminds out there, never force Acee to clone just one Chargers player! See, this is the problem. This is the kind of paragraph right here that destroys any last vestige of credibility Acee could even pretend to have. I'm not talking about yet another obnoxious round of verbal fellatio directed at Weddle. No, I'm talking about choosing Rivers as your QB "20 times out of 19." If that is the case, then you sir, are stupid as charged. Rivers has put up fine numbers over the years. But what has Rivers accomplished, really? Sure, you could try to blame Norv, but Rivers loves Norv. So clearly Rivers doesn't think that's the problem. And Rivers was pretty bad when it counted last year. So, you'd take Rivers right now over anybody else? Also, the verbal fellatio directed at Weddle is pretty terrible. Although Nick Canepa agrees with Acee.

Even when I referred to Weddle as Dough Boy a few years ago, it was out of a sort of marveling appreciation. He was so instinctual, so driven, so knowledgeable that he could overcome looking like a dude who wrote about sports rather than a guy I predicted back then would one day become a Pro Bowler.

Holy crap!

Not that I was at all concerned this man of mettle would lack motivation for ’12 anyway — he is, above all, interested in a legacy that includes being a Super Bowl winner — but motivation certainly was provided last month when the NFL Network finished its “Top 100” series without a mention of Weddle.

The fucking nerve! Now I'm glad that Time Warner told the NFL fuck off. Clearly, the NFL Network has its head up its ass. Like a mile!

Anyway, this article was just a little over the top for my taste-oh my God, there's a second page of this shit!

“It was a slap in the face,” he said when we talked the day after the final episode aired. “I mean, you always go out there wanting to get the respect of your opponent. It’s like, ‘Dang, I’m not even in the top 100.’ ”

Okay, that's Weddle talking. I want to believe he said all of this with a smile on his face, but man does that sound bitter. I mean, settle down zippy, it's not like Jacob Hester cracked the top 100 ahead of you or anything and you are basically the same guy as far as I can tell. And maybe the NFL overlooked you because your team choked on dick last year and didn't even bother to make the playoffs in a division where 8-8 was the bar.

Whatever, the only other members of the 2011 All-Pro team to not be voted into the top 100 were kicker David Akers and punter Andy Lee.

And do you hear them crying about it?

Please, please understand this column is my creation. Oh, it’s all true. This is who Weddle is. But his words are simply responses to my questions. If you walk away perceiving Weddle as selfish, you’ve missed the point.

Leave it to Acee to go out calling the readers idiots for not getting it. That's how you know the column is "AJ approved." No, no, no. That isn't how it works. You don't get to just say I missed the point. In fact, it is you who did not prove your point. You painted Weddle as selfish and bitchy with your presentation of his words. And you set the stage for criticism by offering no criticism of your own. It's funny, you became a columnist and said that now you can really tell the truth and get out there and write the stories you want to write. Yet here you are, writing the same crap you always wrote before.

This final quote by Weddle is actually very good, and it makes me believe that my earliest inclinations-that Acee was leading Weddle into looking like a self-serving crybaby by injecting his own arrogance into the tone of the article-were true:

“It’s nice to get recognized and have it be appreciated how far you’ve progressed and how you are as a football player,” Weddle said. “To win is always the No. 1 goal, but if you’re not striving to be the best, what are you playing for?”

Because then here's Acee:

With Weddle, it’s a rhetorical question.

Ugh. Can we get some real writers in this town?

Packers-Bolts tonight in the first of four games that will remind you that football is not really back yet. Enjoy. Go Bolts!!!

Women Be Reffin'

Okay, so if you haven't heard there will be a woman referee on the field for Thursday night's preseason game against the Green Bay Packers. This has never happened before. Now, I'm tempted to say, "Well, at least there will finally be someone on the field less competent than Norv Turner!" But I'm not going to say that, because we live in a world where, as Randy McMichael-who's still on the team regardless of the three or four other TEs we picked up this season-says, "...A woman is just as capable as a man to do anything." Seriously,that's what he said. It's right there in the paper. And I couldn't agree more. So, rather than make some sort of crack about another dubious honor for San Diego sports, I'm going to just say congratulations to chicks and in the immortal words of my friend Virginia Slim, "You've come a long way, baby."

In a completely unrelated item, I have been working on an open letter to the NFL. Tell me what you think:

Dear NFL,
I hate you so fucking much.

Regards
Maximum Colossus

Here We Go.

Alright, time to try and flex my football bitchery muscle for a second here and see if I can't jump start this blog back to life. We here at Super Chargers have a feeling that this could be a good year for Chargers blogging, and that's probably bad news for the Chargers. We are going to need this avenue for catharsis. A lot of fans still have hope, and I'm here to crush it. AJ still runs the company and Norvelle still mans the helm. I'm not ready to go big right now with some comprehensive this, that or the other about all of the things that have happened over the off-season, but I'm sure I will. For now, let's break in the new guy over at the UT, who I like to refer to as the Acee puppet, who is still the AJ puppet and that should provide an interesting visual. Actually, it's hard to indict the guy for this article, which is really more like one more brief on the pile of evidence that Norvelle may not actually be the genius he has been advertised as. If you don't want to read it, the general breakdown is that Norv is elusive when asked where Vincent Brown will fit into the offense this season. There is still a bunch of camp, preseason games blah blah blah I have no answer type of stuff. Lets' interpret.

What diehards will think: Norv has something up his sleeve. He's keeping things close to the vest and the opposition is in for a real surprise.

What Norv is really saying: I have no idea what to do with Vincent Brown. Hopefully AJ will tell me soon.

The reality: Vincent Brown will obviously play in Malcolm Floyd's spot once Floyd goes down.

Woo, that felt good. Let's do this thing. Go Bolts!!!

The Roundup...

It has been two steady weeks without posts so I figured I'd chime in and explain why there has been such inactivity. First, the Dolphins game. As you are aware, the game was blacked out and right now I'll be damned if I'm dropping $100+ to go watch Norv Turner and his merry band of assholery. No thanks. The radio and I argued and yelled at each other over a few beers and low and behold, Chargers beat the Dolphins and we're 3-1. Not even I can be critical of a performance I wasn't able to watch with my eyeparts so while the score wasn't 189-2 like I wanted, I half expected to lose that game. Since we didn't, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay us.

This past weekend saw me uttering some expletives early in the game at both the Donkey fans and their stupid crowd, as well as during the early flailing shenanigans that Ol' Laserface put forth. Donating six points early to the Donks wasn't that big a deal as it turned out, however, I'm still longing for Laserface to start firing lasers all over the field. I think the spike in the end zone after his rushing touchdown (?) was the best throw of the day, outside of the late 2nd quarter bomb to #80. I hear people calling him M80, and yeah, I get it, but let's be real, the name on the back of his jersey should say, "Fragile". I think that's Italian. That's being far too nice as far as I'm concerned.

The thing that's most intriguing to me is how no one seems to be getting behind this team. All around the media, save the PR Crew on staff at the Tribune under A.J.'s watch, most are dismissing our now 4-1 record. Which to some degree I get. So, allow me to play optimist for a moment and don't fucking get used to this, but let's look at some positives shall we? Bullet points: LUDICROUS SPEED! GO!

*Rivers hasn't been Rivers quite yet. I'm confident he gets there. Whether its the injuries to Jackson, Gates and Fragile that are causing him to throw mostly behind his receivers on everything but the deep ball I can't confirm, but I'm sure it has something to do with his interception total at this point in the season. And, don't start getting all excited about Gates. There is a major problem there that isn't going away anytime soon, if ever.

*Defensively we've been "eh". Denver sort of kind of climbed their way back into the game late on Jesus' watch. The run defense has been just short of abysmal, but, they are getting it done enough to tally wins, in spite of the multitude of injuries. For the last umpteenth years under Norv at this point in the season we've been bitching about our record, so you can all get fucked for complaining. We're not 2-3 or 2-5, so say what you want about our competition, but we're beating them. You can't complain about not being 2-3.

*The running game has been surprisingly impressive. In spite of Norv's lack of understanding of drawing up running plays, Tolbert and China Doll have been relatively effective. China Doll had himself a heck of a day before straining his calf (FUCKING STAY HEALTHY YOU COCKFINGERER!), and both have been very useful catching the ball out of the backfield. I'll also guarantee that they don't fumble during the bye week and that will make two weeks in a row! (Might not have fumbled in Miami game, couldn't see it, buy me tickets if you want accuracy)

*Only one special teams return touchdown given up on the year. PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED!

*Tough to ignore that Nick Novak is filling in quite nicely for the much maligned kicker in town. I'm not overly critical of our incumbent nancy boy kicker, but the reactionary nature of this sports town might call for Nate's head come the offseason if this continues.

While I'll go as far as to say I'm not sold on this team yet, it is still early. Some say that due to the lockout, the preseason was rather abbreviated and that we'll start finding our way shortly as we've gotten a bit more regular playing time for the guys. While I can't discount that, it also needs to be noted that this is much the same crew that took the field last year. The "big" free agent signings took place on the defensive side of the ball so I'm a bit curious as to why the offense is so out of sync. I'm blaming injuries and Norv and global warming, but I think they get it together. And, let's be real, they better get it together, the schedule after the bye gets a bit more difficult than the Chiefs, Vikings, Broncos and Dolphins, and the Raiders appear at least on the surface to be slightly for real.

So, I'll be enjoying the bye week, knowing full well I've been swearing far less than normal under Norv Turner led football teams, but I'm reserving the right to brandish wildly my more polished expletive skills I honed during the lockout.

Go Bolts. Go Bye Week. Go Cheerleaders doing splits.

Let's Just Go Ahead and Forget All of That...

Since we are getting all apologetic here let me join the fray and sincerely request all 5 readers forgiveness for leaving that shameless display of pandering to the least common denominator and not pushing it further down the blog. Geez Max, let me know when you're going to do something like that in the future so I can do my best to talk you out of that.

Apology be damned, I'll say what you didn't but truly wanted to. That defense last year was a sham. I've seen more sincerity coming from Solyndra executives in the last week than the content of that catharsis. Perhaps you should have filmed that in burnt umber. Really, top tier number one ranked defense in 2010? We don't need to revisit the fact that not allowing a lot of yardage in short field situations is not a true measure of a defense apparently. Not to over complicate things, but number one ranked defenses typically make the playoffs, have their shitty USC alumni quarterback "win" three games on the road and go on to bigger and better championship type things. Meanwhile, our number one defense managed not to improve, managed to get even older, more overpaid, and still can't stop being humiliated by elite teams in this league. Max, take your apology back and film a new one with your middle finger extended all the way.

I wish that I shared the same sentiment that Max does with regard to this year and the Super of all Bowls, however, it is times like last Sunday that just break me down just enough to require a bit more proof. Quite frankly, that's when I really get all scramble fucked in the brain because I realize I'm relying on the likes of Norv Turner and his happy band of bumblefucks to restore my confidence in what on the surface appears, yet again, to be a Super Bowl caliber team. It still to this day amazes me that failure is the only option on the big stage.

I had a bit of concern with New England last week and rightfully so. They are an elite team, although there has been a blueprint as to defeating the mighty foe, not unlike the one the Chargers built for the rest of the league to borrow against the Colts. I thought someone, say, Norv Turner may have relayed said blueprint to Manusky, and perhaps he did. However, like we've seen in the past, Manusky must have taken Cason, Weddle, and Tolbert out for a heavy dose of Tecate, tequila and hours at Atalita's because those four were obviously well above the legal limit come game time. There's no other way to explain all of their gaffes.

So I won't hit the panic button. Not yet. It is after all only week three. Kansas City appears poised to wrestle the records of futility away from history's worst performers angling obviously for Andrew Luck, unloading the albatross that is Matt Cassel's contract, and getting Todd Haley axe murdered. Lord knows what he did to those guys but it is pretty clear his players would rather see a polar bear rape him that to play one more down for the guy. That of course leads us to Denver. I won't waste a lot of words on how pathetic this organization has become and how fast and far their fall from grace has been and how it is showing absolutely zero signs of recovery whatsoever. The global economy has a better chance of winning the Super Bowl. I've seen revolutionaries in the middle east treated better by their government that the fans are treating Kyle Orton. They might actually be a .500 team if all of their games were on the road. That leaves us Oakland and really, if we can't beat Oakland, then once again we deserve to sit at home or go hang out in PB and start fights at Bar West during the playoffs.

I only wish that at some point, the organization and the coaches and the players would figure out that to be considered a Super Bowl team among the media and the league elite, you actually sometime need to beat the league elite. I'm a bit tired of this rouse that we're the most talented team around only to continue our losing ways against the Jets, Steelers and Patriots. Norv told the media this week that we were very close to winning that game, if it weren't for those pesky four turnovers. Look at our record when we lose the turnover battle. For that matter, just look at how many times we've turned the ball over versus how many times we've taken it back. Wait, don't do that, it'll only depress you. Look at this instead...



Until we start playing actual real NFL quality football, instead of running around poorly fucking the football, people like Kevin Acee and Nick Canepa can stop telling me we're going to win the Super Bowl. Fucking prove it. Destroy Kansas City's face and get their coach fired, give it to Denver prison style and try not to dump to a Dolphin squad that is just the prototypical team where we'll diarrhea all over ourselves after a night of drinking. Go into the bye week 4-1 and get ready to play the tough part of the schedule. I just don't actually believe that any of the coaches take this as seriously as we do.

I'd actually love to celebrate a Super Bowl some time in my life. Preferably before the team packs up their dysfunctional shit, gets a coach I actually like and pleases all those dipshit Laker fuckers by winning the Lombardi Trophy in fucking Los Angeles. That will be the death blow. Since we've begun the trend of videotaping and posting the results, should that nightmare scenario occur, I'll post an HD video of my head exploding if I see a guy in a Kobe Bryant jersey cheering for the Chargers with confetti falling from the rooftop and a Spanos holding the trophy on high. Good good, I'd rather die on a derailed high speed rail car to nowhere.

Mmmm...That's Good Crow!

And yes, I said this is our year because I am totally on the team.

Lazy Content

Now that the football season is back in full free agency force, it's time to start getting this blog going again, and what could be a lazier way to add content than to share with you the back and forth my cohort and I have been having since the Chargers attacked the free agency monster with absurd amounts of money? Nothing, that's what. So enjoy!

CJ: http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/2011/jul/27/weddle-and-chargers-agree/

MC: I believe i called that.

CJ: I believe you’re right.

MC: Holy crud, how did I miss this line from Acee's article the first time?

Moreover, he has been in position for several more game-changing plays that the Chargers expect him to actually make in the future.

CJ: Because you were too far gone by the time you saw 5 years $40 Million.

MC: Too many people are loving this move. I already hate our team and our fans again.

CJ: Join the club, though I don’t think I stopped hating them.


MC: I fixed our blog.

CJ: Yes you did. Nice work.


CJ: This is a plus I guess. I should drop more interceptions.

To Chargers’ head coach Norv Turner, the main thing separating Weddle from more pervasive acclaim is that, “He probably dropped about six interceptions last year.”

MC: Norv was also in heavy excuse mode, already harping on how far behind the team would be due to the lockout. Y'know, as if no other team was behind. Get ready for another 2-5 start.

CJ: Rumor has it Malcolm Floyd to the Vikes.

MC: Well, Floyd leaving is bitter sweet. Great talent, but what are you going to do with a guy who's guaranteed to miss 6 games a season?

CJ: Pay him $32MM?

MC: Well, yes. You could do that I suppose.

CJ: I’m actually surprised they didn’t trade Jackson and sign Floyd to the money Jackson wants. That would be a total AJ move… oh I meant surprised yet. Yet.

MC: Not to beat a dead horse here, but about that Weddle thing. Every sports writer claims that 6 or 7 other teams were highly interested in getting him. Is any of that substantiated at all?

CJ: Does that even matter? If the whole world was looking for him it doesn’t change the fact they overpaid at both the draft to get him and the now free agent contract. Just because there are a “lot of suitors” (cough! Haynesworth/Redskins cough!) doesn’t make it smart.

MC: I agree 100%, but the implication is that there is no way we could allow Weddle to test the free agent market, and I'm calling bull**** on that until I here from some other exec say that they are devastated that we resigned Weddle at such a bargain.

Also, Norv said Weddle has great range. I wonder if that's Khalil Greene-like range?

CJ: Yeah, I’m pretty sure that most execs are wiping their brow right now laughing and saying, “it took what to get him? Forget that noise.”

Oh, and what’s a Khalil Green.

MC: You know how you can tell the Chargers have fallen out of relevance? Because no one in the mainstream media is even talking about the Weddle deal.

CJ: I was just about to say that I’m waiting on the inevitable, Chargers going to win the super bowl talk at any moment. Here it comes. Any minute now. Duck.

MC: We're building a team of great character with no shortage of upstanding community members. We can't help but win a Superbowl. A lot of people don't know that Eric Weddle immediately turned over his signing bonus to the new downtown library fund.

On a completely related note, do you think Philip Rivers is at all a likable person in real life?

Antonio Gates drives a schoolbus full of crippled children to the Boy Scout Jamboree each year.

CJ: I picture PR as the character he plays at KSK. Exactly. EXACTLY. I will not be swayed from that position either. No matter how many crippled kids he puts in a school bus. I imagine him swearing at them the whole way.

MC: Yes, he is Marmalard. No question.

So, Fox Sports reports that Weddle decided to sign with the Chargers after testing the free agent market. When? Between 8:00 - 10:00 yesterday morning? I don't think reading Acee's column counts as testing the market.

CJ: Here’s how it went down:

Weddle: “Mr. Smith? I’m thinking about testing the free agent market. What do you think?”

AJ: “I’ll give you $40 million over 5 years.”

Weddle: “Thanks Mr. Smith, while I’ve had many offers in my 2 minute period testing free agency, your offer is a bit under the market value that Kevin Acee set for me but I accept. Can you just write that on this cocktail napkin so I can SIGN RIGHT NOW?”

The other thing I thought was funny was I guess Ryan Clark of the Steelers tweeted out that the Steelers paid that much for him and Polamalu so there’s that…

Sullivan this morning said it was because he made more tackles than all the safeties last year. I still don’t think it’s a good thing when your safety leads the team/league in tackles. Those tackles are typically at least 8 yards down the field, but tackles are tackles I guess.

MC: Isn't it funny how Donnie Edwards got so much grief for tackling guys 4 yards down the field and Weddle gets kudos for it?

And my point was, the mainstream media is so uninterested in what AJ and the Chargers do that the one guy who even bothered to write about it merely looked over the local press clippings and said, "Hmm. Seems plausible. Job done. Happy hour awaits!"

CJ: I think it speaks more to your, “find me an exec who…” theory. I’m not quite sure anyone knows who Eric Weddle is so the only news is that he signed such a large contract for a safety.

The prevailing attitude really should be one of “whatever/whoever that guy is”. I’d look to the media to ramp up once the season starts and Norv is performing like norv

MC: You know what's fun?

Going back and watching Shonn Greene run over Eric Weddle like he's a grade schooler and then thinking how funny it is that that play basically cost Cromartie his job and his credibility in this town, while Eric Weddle went on to get a $40 million dollar contract. Also notable on the play is that Steve Gregory kind of just spins around in a circle like some electric football player and he's on the team even after using PEDs. Our team is awesome.

CJ: AJ is so raycess!

CJ: But seriously, could AJ be a super closet racist? Or is does his hatred know no bounds?

I guess that play with Shonn Greene must really be looked at with rose colored glasses. Sure, it cost Cro his job, but Weddle certainly didn’t make a play and as Sullivan stated this morning, he’s known for his tackling and got paid $40 million accordingly. What are they saying there? Well, that’s totally Cro’s play so Weddle is off the hook for missing only what could be the most important tackle of his career. I guess it’s good he missed. Can you imagine the contract he’d have gotten if he’d actually tackled that guy…

What about the contract Jackson might have gotten if he didn’t kick that challenge flag? Wait, he’s not a lily white boy.

MC: Closet racist?

CJ: I meant to say supercollossal racist. Stupid autocorrect.


Isn't football grand?!

Eric Weddle Could Even Make the Pro Bowl One Day!

The Chargers just signed Eric Weddle to a 5 year $40 million contract with something like $19 million guaranteed. All that's left now is for him to earn it. This shouldn't be surprising considering AJ had Acee blowing up Weddle's street value for a bout a month before the lockout just to prepare us all for the inevitable inflated contract offer. What I have a hard time reconciling with is that if you are prepared to pay $40 million, why not at least let the guy test the free market? He's already expressed his love for the town and the team, and nobody was going to get near that price on him. Honestly, it's like AJ is still trying to piss off Shawne Merriman.

Oh, and in case you didn't catch it, another highly overpaid Chargers player-one game wonder and sometimes serviceable roster spot filler-Jyles Tucker has been released. Look out, Merriman, he's coming to Buffalo to steal your job.

Can somebody please explain to me again why this organization was so bent on not paying Vincent Jackson last year? Not mediocre enough?

Update: How did I miss this line from Acee's article?

Moreover, he has been in position for several more game-changing plays that the Chargers expect him to actually make in the future.

'Disaster Averted' or 'Go to Hell Nick Canepa'

First off, let's get the good news out of the way Jay Cutler dragged his pussy off the field yesterday and let us all off the hook. No ring for Cutler. The world is safe for democracy. Seriously, though, can you believe the gash on this guy? 'Canyonesque' is the term CJ coined yesterday and it is apt my friends. Reports today defend the seriousness of Jay Cutler's injury, but I'm sorry, if you're walking around on the sideline while Todd Collins and some guy named Hanie are trying to save your season, you better prepared for some scrutiny. And by scrutiny I mean Brian Urklacher holds you down while Julius Peppers removes your head. What really killed the Bears, though, was the strange fact that Todd Collins was allowed to take the field. That guy wasted two good field positions before doing the right thing and following Cutler to the bench. Apparently, the Packers are a shade better than the Carolina Panthers. Seriously though, Cutler, if you're going to stand there on the sideline determined to prove that your teams fluky season was a farce, at least have the decency to grab a crutch or a cheerleader and pretend you can't walk around without assistance.

And speaking of standing around on the sidelines during playoff games, our good friend Nick Canepa had this to say in his column today:

"And LaDainian Tomlinson will be watching. Again. Pledging allegiance to another franchise didn’t help his own personal elevator reach the level he’s long been seeking. But he did absolutely nothing to so much as push a button in Pittsburgh. He remains a playoff also-ran, be it on the left or the right coast."

Jesus Christ, Nick. That's rough. Did LT screw your wife and run over your dog on the way out of town? I mean, what has the guy really done to incur this sort of wrath? He was openly upset with the way he was treated by a management team that is pretty well known to treat everyone like shit and he has praised an organization that has been dedicated to winning and appears to stand behind it's players. What a dick. In Canepa's defense, this column was obviously bought and paid for if not actually penned by Dean and AJ. So, again I ask you, how can you even root for this petty bunch of bullies? How can you look beyond them and continue to enjoy Chargers football? I just don't know if I can anymore.

Quick parting shots:

1) Green Bay gets the award for least unlikable team to be in the Superbowl since the Carolina Panthers. I just wish I actually, you know, liked them.

2) The Steelers get the award for team I am so sick of I can't even stand it. I just wish I actually, you know, hated them. Here comes the apathy bowl!

3) In case you missed it earlier, Jay Cutler's vagina is canyonesque! That's gold, CJ.