Anybody There?

I came across this is the Truth & Rumors section over at CNNSI.COM via the Arizona Republic and decided it was interesting enough to break my silence over here:

"Ryan Leaf and Peyton Manning came out of college together and, as the two hot QB prospects that year, compared notes from time to time about their experiences. After they were drafted, Manning told Leaf about how well the Colts organization treated him. They basically bent over backward to make his transition to the NFL as smooth as possible, taking care of all the non-football stuff so Peyton could concentrate on immersing himself into the Colts offense. Manning was stunned to hear that Leaf's experience was completely different. Our golfing partner said that Leaf was basically left to figure it out for himself. If that's true, you combine it with the legendary stories about what an immature jerk Leaf is and begin understand why he crashed so quickly. Again, this is coming from a family friend. Who knows what the Chargers did or did not do for their rookie QB, or whether their management team was equipped to deal with such a high-maintenance player. Regardless of who was at fault for the failed Leaf-Chargers marriage, the allegedly shabby treatment of Leaf stuck with the Manning clan. And, our new golf buddy explained, that's why Archie Manning, the patriarch, threw such a fit on draft day when Eli was picked by San Diego."

From the impression Ryan Leaf has made in his years in the spotlight, I believe that this is likely only true in Ryan Leaf's and the Manning family's eyes. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised to find out the Leaf turned down any offers of assistance in his personal affairs from the Chargers and then told Manning those offers were never extended when he heard Manning's story. That's what self-absorbed, overgrown baby, dickheads do. They place blame for their mistakes on others. I think, that after all was said and done, that this article speaks worse of the Manning's for believing that piece of shit more than anything else. I got over Eli's snub a long time ago, but this is the sort of crap that could reignite it. What's the point of dredging this shit up again? And if you are going to, you might want to look into what Drew Brees and Philip Rivers have to say about their rookie situation in San Diego. You know, cause they actually played for the GM that would have handled Eli, and not the previous one? Fucking stupid off-season reporting. Isn't Brett Favre doing something interesting? Couldn't you get a ticket to Patriots camp? Let's stop making excuses for this jerk:

That's the sort of thing that's ruining this damn country!

On an only somewhat related note, the plan here is to really open this blog up again this coming season, and if anybody out there is still checking in, spread the word that we are not completely without a pulse over here. Let's make this thing a real fucking institution!

Hello? Anybody Still Here?

Okay, so I haven't posted anything in about a million years here because I've been so ambivalent regarding this team. Well, I'm still ambivalent within the rational thinking part of my noggin, but as for the deep primitive recesses of my brain I'm pretty much freaking out in a good way. I'm considering some sort of long-winded analysis of the team's season and the upcoming game against Lamesburgh (couldn't think of any derogatory words that rhyme with Pitt), but only if there is still any life among the readers. So, if you care to hear me ramble on about what I think, let me know in the comments and I'll crap something out of my cakehole before Sunday. Until then, this is pretty sweet:


It should say actual size in the corner.

I Crashed the Bandwagon Sunday...

This was not a post I wanted to pen. I thought long and hard about how to approach this; and after a good 27 minutes and a string of emails it still remained as it was. I thought, "Approach this creatively. Self, be creative." Yeah, that thought was extinguished rather decisively. I then thought, "Go for anger, yes, anger." And again, extinguished rather quickly. You've played that card out. So I settled passively and selected my angle. Honest feelings. Sucks, doesn't it?

Sunday morning was a glorious day out here in the town. Rolled out of bed dodging text messages about where and with whom the Bolt party would be taking place, and responded to most of them, "I'll be watching at home so I can curse at the t.v. in peace." And curse I did.

I'm not going to waste my time and yours with a full recap. Read any of the game recaps from this season, or even last season particularly during the first half of the year. Read any recap from any time of any year where losing was en vogue and shitty football was the recipe. There were some particular moments in this one that I will focus on later, but if I was grading this game I'd give it an F. Well, maybe an F+. Which as we know is like trying to watch porn in church. Totally pointless.

I held my breath in anticipation of Lord General Corleone's 2nd Quarter evaluation speech all day Monday. Nothing. I immediately popped open the computer Tuesday morning just for the sake of seeing if The Godfather had bestowed his words of wisdom, talking us off of the edge of the win wagon poised to leap as it careened out of control. Still nothing. Just strange silence. Then in an unprecedented move, we heard from the Dark Smith Lord. The axe finally fell. On the defensive coordinator. Ted, you will not be missed.

Replacing Teddy will be Ron Rivera, formerly of the Chicago Bears. Ron was interviewed prior to last season for various head coaching vacancies. Word was he'd make a fine head coach for any professional organization. The offseason came and went and Ron had not been selected for any of the vacant lead posts. In fact, he didn't even catch on as a Defensive Coordinator. He became our linebackers coach under Ted Cottrell.

Needless to say that if you'd like to focus on two of this team's most unflatteringly glaring weaknesses, first you'll have to ignore the lead incompetent and turn your gaze to the defense. The aspects of the defense that include but are not limited to, the pass rush and the linebacking. It's safe to say that both were demonstrably attributed to 'schemes' or a lack there of. Ted maintained that his 'schemes' did not change from last season. And I'd submit that they hadn't, during last season's slow start the defense looked eerily similar. It seemed as if there were a turning point last season, Teddy, newly motivated, turned the beasts free and an 8 game winning streak suddenly reared its mighty head. Turns out Ted may have not played any different schemes this year, but would he have, he may still be employed and we may not be 3-5 heading into a bye week I'm not sure we aren't going to lose.

Enter Ron Rivera to save the day. Mentor and coach to what would be the worst group of linebackers I've seen in Bolt uniforms in some time. Color me not impressed. Perhaps something should have been seen as wildly amiss, when as a favorite for a head coaching position, Rivera struggled to even find an assistant's job. I've heard of people not being good interviews and having that impact their ability to find work. Ron must have done something wholly inappropriate in order impact his employment status so dramatically. Thankfully, our excellent judges of character, namely the Spanos' found Ron a home here. And lo and behold, he's now by default the defensive coordinator. A defensive coordinator that couldn't coach the linebackers basic fundamentals of tackling again evidenced on Sunday. A linebacker coach that couldn't coach the linebackers to cover space in slant routes, cutting off angles, or teach them to protect the soft middle of the field. Might as well hire Lehman to manage your Washington Mutual deposits.

Much like the departure of the last head coach, this felt like a reactionary move that didn't really address the true problem. And to a degree it was. Does the defense have problems as hard to ignore as tits on a bull? Yes. Is this the move that will save the disaster that has become the first two quarters of the season, or where I come from a half season? That remains to be seen, but there are many other items that need to be addressed as well. Someday I'd like to see that bull though. I do like tits.

The elephant in the room is still the lead incompetent. I'm not willing to ignore or make excuses anymore for Norv Turner. His record was less than stellar prior to coming to San Diego. Better than 20 games under .500. Since becoming the head man here, his legacy as a loser has hardly been changed. As the driver of the Win Wagon, he's managed a 14-10 record. A 3-5 record with a team that has been described in the last calendar year as many things, 'superbowl favorites', 'most talented team in football', 'deepest squad', 'promising with a large window of opportunity', 'young and built to win'. Take your pick, they've all been used at one point or another. Yet, Norv, described as never having anything to work with in Washington and Oakland has managed to take our highly cliched, and heavily talented football team and steer them into a 3-5 record halfway through the season. Or as A.J. would put it, two quarters in. That my friend is a loser. Cemented by a legacy of losing. There is really no disputing that. He is not a leader. He is not a motivator. He is not a coach. He is an offensive coordinator. Coaches make a difference. Good coaches do not go on losing streaks as Turner has historically done. This man turned a Redskins team that started 7-1 (1996) into a 9-7 football team. He continued to turn the same Redskins franchise into a 7-6 team after a 6-2 start prior to being summarily fired before seasons end.

The discussion I've had a few times today is what to make of this. How deep does this loser mentality permeate the organization? Can it be measured? I say no. Is it obvious that there must be some correlation here? To me, I think it foolish to ignore that someone who is tainted by losing doesn't bring that in some way to the table each and every week. At each and every practice he leads, during each and every game. It's a stench that cannot be cleansed from his approach. It should not have been ignored during his hiring, and it should not be ignored now.

A.J. seemingly got his man. A man that would be a non factor in decision making with regard to personnel. Just run your offense Norv, seemed to be the message. Fear not, no one is asking you to be a leader, or to do the intangibles like making adjustments when plan A is no longer effective. Just captain the Win Wagon in the right direction and all praise will be heaped upon the Bad Ass Motherfucking John Wayne Cowboy Mafia Boss Corleone General Manager A.J. Smith. Dark Lord Smith for putting together this deep, talented, built through the draft home grown genius battleship of a football team. So, why is Norv not being held feet to the fire strung up in the town square by his neck as Marty seemingly was the entirety of his tenure here? Because Merriman is hurt? Injuries in the AFC Championship game? You can't tell me about the genius that is A.J. building the deepest team, and then in the next breath say we're not deep and can't overcome injury. Jyles Tucker got an extension for what I still don't know and there has been crazy talk that we won't be resigning Shawne Merriman. If Tucker really is the second coming of Merriman, how can you blame injury for our defensive woes? Perhaps we should revisit the fact that Marlon McCree is no longer with the team. A veteran leader playing safety has been replaced by a second year draftee who to date should be widely criticized for not being a professional football ready player. On Sunday, he received a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for celebrating an interception with a hardly entertaining dancing fit epileptic in nature. Compounding the problem was that he celebrated an interception he didn't even make that was overturned via replay after having additional time to see the play on the jumbotron. I guess you really do need to wait three years to evaluate a draft.

That being said, we gave up some picks for both Weddle and our first round pick this year , Jacob Hester (Ed Note: Yes I'm an idiot, he was our third round pick, Cason being number one), who has yet to see the light of day in the regular season to any degree. To date, a third round draft pick who has 2 carries for 3 yards. Quite an impact player no? I hesitate to wonder where this is all going. Sure, many of A.J.'s moves have been successful, Merriman, Castillo, Rivers, need not argue any of those. Even Antonio Gates, who he signed as a free agent, then made demands of during a contract negotiation that went south and set an ultimatum for Gates to report or be suspended. Gates failed to meet the deadline, was suspended, and the game which he missed was lost. What needs to go not unnoticed are the other moves, the release of Marlon McCree, the release of Lorenzo Neal, and the ungraded last two drafts as well as the future drafts that are affected by having fewer draft picks as a result. The future doesn't look so bright I need shades to quote a relatively obscure Canadian pop icon that contributed to the downfall of American Music. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT COREY HART!!!

I find it entertaining that the last time we had this modern day cowboy type for a general manager, and heaped praise on him for his drafting philosophy and successes, he was eventually run out of town tail tucked firmly between his balls after failure after failure mounted up and the future of the squad had already been mortgaged. We called him Bobby Beathard. Are the Weddle's and the Hester's of this new class the updated versions of the Mikhael Ricks' and Brian Still's? Still to tough to say, but parallels be damned.

Again, after all the doom and gloom I watched a football game Sunday morning. I saw some more of the same and a bit of the unfamiliar. I was tremendously irate with a 3rd and 5 running play on the game's potentially tying drive, that drew a net of two yards and put us in a 4th down situation, limiting the play book. I hated that call and we know where that came from. I did however enjoy the resurgence of LTD. His greatest game of the season, real passion showed from him for the first time in a while. I was a little disappointed they didn't screen him more, yet I'd let that slide. I liked seeing Gates finally getting involved to a degree in which I recognized him. I didn't like Vincent Jackson's dropped 72 yard touchdown pass. I didn't like that at all. I was mostly disappointed all the way through though, and it didn't get any better when it was over.

I took a bike ride to a local watering hole to grab a beer and try to forget the most recent debacle. I was doing a bit of a fishing expedition as well, to gauge the fervor of the fans, the ones proudly displaying Bolt Blue with their favorite numbers adorning their backs. Most everyone was disappointed but optimistic. Some had derogatory things to say about some aspect, the refs blowing the Cletus Gordon pass interference call, only one mentioned the coaching. I asked a trio of jersey clad 'locals' what they thought of the coaching. If they in fact thought that anything needed to be done. The response was, "You're off the bandwagon already? Typical don't you think? First sign and you're gone huh? Good. Stay off dude."

Yep. That's what I got as a response. Instead of pursuing a situation where I crack a barstool over his head, I just nodded and acknowledged that no I was not in fact off of the bandwagon, but I had in fact hijacked the fucking thing and I was careening it into the nearest fire engulfed brick fucking wall. Yep, it's all my fault and I'm willing to take that responsibility on my own. Norv, you are off the hook for at least two weeks, this one's on me...

Oh Wait. Never-Fucking-Mind.

Looks like we're only going to need to win like two more games to get into the playoffs anyway. What's the point in trying then? We can accidentally make it into the postseason at this rate. The postseason. Where anything can happen. Like fucking Disneyland. Fucking stupid football.

Balls, Balls, Balls...

You know? There's been far too much depressing shit going on over here for what seems like far too long lately. This team has many times in its history tested my ability to continue with a rooting interest in their success. I've truly invested all of my being in this squad for as long as I can remember. I mean, I still look at the picture of me with Dan Fouts when I was four at my mom's house with fondness and wonder. I look at my old autographs and behave like a juvenile little child still to this day. I'm a fucking full grown adult. What's wrong with me?

Nearly two years ago I halfheartedly quit the football team. That New England debacle in January on our field sent me off of the wagon. It took me all of last season to muster up the ability to care about the team again. I didn't want the letdowns to plague me anymore. The team didn't feel familiar to me and the people running the team I was not particularly fond of. It wasn't difficult to put a little distance between us. I walked around knowing full well that the season would be a failure and that only winning football games would surprise me. So of course, when they got their act together and strung together victory after victory and then left the playoffs a tremendous disappointment yet again, I wasn't surprised. I was just sad. Sad that it happened. Sad that it happened again. Sad that it was further cementing our legacy as a failed squad.

Enter 2008. Expectations for the squad still at all time highs. Fan loyalty brimming with confidence. Super Bowl talk dominated the offseason national landscape. Everyone was on board with Bolts. It was nearly a foregone conclusion that this year, this was our year. I wanted more than anyone to believe. I even think I tried to convince myself that I believed. Yet nothing really has changed. Yes, I know there are injuries, Shawne, LTD, Antonio, everyone is seemingly hurt. But this team was sold to us by A.J. who had built the depth of the squad through the draft and he is a damned genius so Super Bowl be ours. They told us about the depth of the team so often, that it's amazing to me that it's so quickly forgotten now. If not for injuries it's for schemes, the defense isn't effective but Teddy isn't doing anything differently than he did last year, and I'd agree. He's doing nothing differently than he did in the series of losses that mounted up last year. And well, let's not forget the head man in charge, he of the losing regular season record, a legacy of disappointment in Oakland, and I'd rather not even repeat some of the good things they say about Norv in Washington.

What now? What now fellas? I'd almost pay to hear Mr. Canepa weigh in on the subject of the worst pass defense in the league, an ineffective at best running game, and the overall continuing lack of leadership that permeates the organization from top to bottom. Suffice to say that all stadium issues aside (Good Luck Spanos, with that publicly funded job now.) that there are issues are slightly more prevalent. I'd run down the list for the umpteenth time in this space, but really, I don't have the desire, and you probably don't want to hear it.

Funny thing is, I don't feel as awful as I have in the past as a reaction to the crushing disappointment. It feels so familiar to me anymore, you know, the leadership gaffes, the disappointing play, the familiar underachieving, all of it. I'm hardly even surprised it's happening yet again. I didn't even care to watch the afternoon session of the NFL yesterday. I took a walk instead.

I've made that halfhearted attempt to quit this team in the past. I don't think that will happen again. I don't want to quit on purpose. But it's slipping away, a legacy of disappointment and failure and loss after loss after loss in big situations adds up. At some point it will become insurmountable. I find that I just won't allow myself to care that much anymore and it's taking less effort than ever.

Perhaps this is the wake up call the team needs. Perhaps this is the point in which the season turns itself around and everything comes up platinum roses. There is still a lot of football to play and the division is surely not out of reach. Just color me a bit skeptical that this tiger can change its stripes when it's shown no propensity to do that, well, ever.

Fuck That Shit.

I just don't know if I have it in me any longer. The city of San Diego is a melting pot within a country that is a melting pot of it's own. I don't know what the exact figures are, but some days it feels like the population hovers at around 90% transplants. And for some inexplicable reason, most of them harbor a deep loathing for our local sports teams. I've heard it said it's because our fan base gets too excited when our teams succeed even though we have won no titles. That's right, people hate our teams because we cheer for them. It's really hard to deal with that kind of attitude. I get it at work. I get it when at the local watering hole. And as I was walking home in my Philip Rivers jersey after another abysmal loss today, I was heckled by a 13 year old. I think they may have won. I think I might be done. I hate this team.

Week 7 Gem...

First and foremost a hearty congratulations to the squad for not sucking raw eggs Rocky style last Sunday on national television against the non-rival dickfaces. From my vantage point, Vinny Jack and Malcom were somewhat stellar in an almost professional football sort of way. There is a new mantra around here, at least one that I'm adopting and were I some sort of COACH I'd be preaching to the squad. One week at a time fellas. Let's not get all crazy with Super Bowl delusions and just handle one week at a time. Next up. Buffalo. Or Toronto? I can't remember.

Second. I'd like to take this space and your time to say to all who are touting this as a difficult game due to cross country traveling, uh, (pausing for composure) it's 2008. It's not 1848. We're not traveling by covered wagon or by train. It doesn't take 3 days to cross the country. We're not hold up in a the cargo by of a C-130 going to some remote base in some remote desert to fight some remote enemy. The squad is flying charter plane, with more than likely better than coach accomodations to Buffalo. That's a 6 hour flight. They aren't going to the moon. Let's not pretend that a first class charter flight to Buffalo is an impossible feat to overcome. It's not. And since we're at it, New England and Arizona had to play two consecutive weeks across the country and decided to stay in their respective cities during the week to practice and avoid further 'most difficult' cross country travel. The Pats went to Gay Town North, won, then held up in San Jose during the week for practice, made the trek down to America's Finest Bankrupt City and lost. Then went home tail between nutsack and taint. Arizona went to Favretown, lost, stayed there, practiced, and lost again. In conclusion, keeping players from their homes, families, familiar surroundings and practice facilities to avoid cross country luxury travel is rather unsuccessful as well. Let's not reinvent the wheel here fellas. There is no built in excuse. If the Bolts go to Buffalo and lose, it's not because they had to get on an airplane okay? Good, glad we got that settled hamburger tits.

Third, (please pardon the baseball interlude) I'd like to send a thank you card via snail mail USPS to Gabe Gross of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of Sunshine or whatever the hell the Selig Enterprise is calling them now. It reads like this:

Dear Gabe,

You are a professional right fielder for a professional baseball team playing for a chance to go to the world series against the Boston Red Sox. When a baseball is hit to you in the 8th inning, and you play it like a professional, picking it up on one hop after setting yourself to make a professional throw 150 feet to home plate in order to cut down the tying run in a playoff series clinching game, please don't pucker up your asshole and spike the ball to the first baseman who is standing 50 feet from you. He is not there to cut off the baseball. I'm instrucing you with knowledge garnered from the Tom Emansky school of baseball to throw the ball like a professional baseball player should, all the 150 feet to home and cut off that rather significant tying run. Hit the trashcan my friend. I emplore you. Fuck dude. I play right field. I can make that throw. I'm not even a professional. Shit, my niece could make that throw. She's fucking 8 and a half. Gabe, for the love of ice cream dude, make the fucking throw.

Sincerely,

CJ

Baseball distraction over. Bolts, this message is for you. Go across the country. Kick the piss out of the Buffaronto Bills and kill their college concussed quarterback and come home victors. Thank you.

And Cheerleaders, flexible ones...

State of the Union...

Since the Godfather in these parts evaluates the season in quarters, let's call this the State of the Union address for the season to date. I know that the first quarter is over and that we are about a third of the way through the football season and that much closer to suffering through what will be another dismal baseball effort, so let's recount what's happened thus far...

The team is shitty. Sorry if that ruins your Super Bowl delusions that has seemingly infected most rational people in these parts since June. This is no Super Bowl team. This isn't even a good team. Five games into the season and here we sit with a losing record against very mediocre football teams. There are some issues that are easy to identify. Since Nick Canepa and Godfather A.J. Wayne won't identify them, please allow me to present them on a silver platter for your enjoyment. Call me glib, call me pessimistic, call me a realist. Time to stop drinking the Kool Aid and get your heads out of the sand. In no particular order...

* Vanilla. The offense is vanilla. There is no creativity. There is no thought. There is no plan. There is, a bunch of ego. There is an entitlement complex. There is an overall feeling that we are owed something. We're not. Other teams are flat out busting our ass wide open and guys look confused and frustrated. Antonio Gates has disappeared. Why? I know why... you have to wait a few more bullets to find out.

* Ahh...., defense. Should be called offense cause it's fucking offensive. Today was whatever word you can think of that means the same as utter complete colossal joke. It was interesting enough that Denver was able to put up a full shitload of points against us with nothing more than an S.E.C. offense, but today, Miami actually turned us into a short bus full of kindergarden level retards on the defense. I've seen Miami's offense before. It was in Pop Warner. Earlier I thought I'd seen it in High School football, but that was wholly inaccurate. I've only seen that work in Pop Warner. Perhaps Matt Wilhelm was a bit premature by doing Joey Porter's sack dance in the first quarter instead of remembering to tackle Ronnie Brown. And hey, whoever over there is in charge, why are we sagging nearly 12 yards off the line of scrimmage on outside receivers such as Greg Camarillo and Ted Ginn? Really? 12 yards against those guys? Miami routinely picked up five yards a pop on the outside cause we let Chad 'noodle arm' Pennington off the hook. Five yards a pop is a pretty good average when you only need two downs to make another first down. Even 'noodles' himself can throw a simple out when there is no press coverage. Hmmmmm, funny.

* That being said, hey coaches! Coaches? Today you fail. A.J. and Nick may grade the season in quarters and deemed Q1 a success by giving it a C grade. C's are average, lord knows C's got me through college, less because I'm stupid and more because I was lazy, but Q1 was no success. It was no C. It was a complete failure. Two and two is successful? Funny that a team with Super Bowl aspirations would be satisfied with two and two. Needless to say that the failure continued yet again today with what can be considered at least by me, to be the worst coached football game in the Turner era. Horrifyingly bad. I can list about a hundred items about the game I disliked, but we'll focus on the end of the game. Specifically with four minutes to go in the fourth quarter. Use your time outs. Preserve the clock. Instead, we didn't, the Sparano and the fucking thyroid challenged Tuna kept running Pop Warner formations and we kept coughing up first downs. Skip to two minutes and change left, and we continued to do the same, not using the two minute warning as a backstop, but saving those timeouts. That two minute stop gap came and went and we never secured the ball again. I know a little about football. And gee, do you need to be a genius to get somebody like Antonio Gates (told you I'd come back to this) into the game? Why are we going away from what made us so successful under the previous regime that got run out of town after a 14-2 season? Really? No more Gates? At all? Seems rather uh, what's the word?.... idiotic? Yes, idiotic... to me at least. I'm certainly not at any kind of professional level when it comes to football strategies, but it's funny that I feel like I know more about football than the people captaining this ship and careening it into the same iceberg that claimed the Titanic.

* Disclaimer: This may be the hardest thing I write perhaps ever. Ladainian Tomlinson is finished as a Charger. Sorry to have to be the bearer of such harsh news. LTD wants to quit football. It's readily apparent and it's in his body language and his blatent lack of performance. It was a nice run with LTD but there will be no more references to him as TBE, as some call him, "the best ever.". No more. LTD wants to take his ball and go home. Don't believe me? Fine. Don't believe me. I'll lay out some evidence and you can judge it as you will. But don't jade yourself like the first O.J. jury and think it isn't true because this is fact my friend. Straight FACT. Last week Mr. TBE got a little hung up on a handoff with ol' Marmalaard. Turned out not to work out so well for the home squad and Phil fumbled the exchange and a safety was born. Today, ol' Marmalaard and LTD had yet another problem with an exchange, where Phil nearly tripped over LTD trying to hand him the ball. Last week, a free defender came mashing through the line and LTD saw him and cut off his play. He did not run to his spot and Phil wound up on an island trying to hand off the football to someone who did not want the exchange. LTD was afraid to take a hit and opted out of the play. The result? Safety. Today, Joey Porter came free and ol' LTD came up short, didn't run to his spot, afraid of taking a hit. Phil nearly tripped over him and almost fumbled again. This lands squarely and wholeheartedly on the running back. And really, do we need to bring up the 4th down play from the 3/4 yard line where the handoff went to TBE and he tiptoed his way to the line of scrimmage. Funny how I remember a time where TBE would launch himself over everyone and land 5 yards deep in the end zone. Now, he tiptoes to the line and gets smeared and we get no touchdown. So..., LTD, I'm speaking to you. If you are afraid of the big bad defense, get off the field. If you are hurt and you can't perform to the point where you can take a handoff without being afraid, or get into the end zone from 30 inches away, get off the field. Stop pouting and get off the field. You are slowly becoming an open wound on this team. I'm never buying any of the t.v.'s you are so busy hocking, cause you are becoming a disgrace. If you don't like football, stop playing. Quit pretending that you are a football player cause you look like a bitch.

So. There it is. Do with it what you will. There will be no happy cheerleader photo to follow and no more rah rah bullshit. Take this team for what it is. Mediocre at best. At BEST. To quote the great Ron Burgundy, "Go fuck yourself San Diego."

It's Raider Week? Who knew?

Sad to say that yet again this week has flown under the radar. Yes, it's Raider week. And no, it means nothing. Again. It's sad that this historically tremendous rivalry has been rendered about as relevant as John Bobbitt's porn career.

Maybe we'll be the catalyst that will finally send the Al the cryptkeeper all the way off of the ledge and he'll make good on his threats to actually fire the best coach he's hired in the last 5 years. Please allow this to happen. As much as I loved the rivalry and the near stabbings while attending the Murph during these clashes, I can't say that I don't take particular enjoyment from their despair. Schadenfreude some call it. I think that's a stupid, overused buzzword, like 'uber'.

I heard this morning that Jay Cutler is the hottest AFC quarterback. He also nearly quit football but thankfully, his career has been rejuvenated. How that makes any sense is beyond me. Thank you ESPN for this manufactured story and slight oversight of our own. It seems Phil has been putting up spectacular numbers, but hey, he doesn't have diabetes and he didn't want to take his ball and insulin and go home so he's not a marketable asset. And to all of you who think that Phil jawing at Cutler last year was the trigger for 'karma' or 'kharma' (depending on which hippie joint you smoke) to intervene and possess Ed Hercules for that fleeting moment when he lost his mind, I've got something to say to you. You are fucking idiots. Stop being so fucking stupid in front of the whole world.

Confidence be damned here's the bold pick of the week:

Chargers 48, Raiders 12. It shall come to fruition.

Get to Know Your Cheerleader



That's Summer. She's named after our favorite season. She likes dance, children and traveling to Mexico. She's also a dentist or some sort of teeth doctor. Translation: She's perfect.

A Most Funnest Monday Nighter.

Ted Cotrell claimed he made no defensive changes because he is obviously some sort of compulsive liar. Even his players admitted they ran more blitzes, not that they had to admit that since I watched the game with working eyeballs.

Check out Canepa's surprisingly critical take on the game. I have to admit that I haven't seen our special teams pull that kind of special suck in quite some time, but the defense is still getting a lot of heat today. Yeah, 29 points is a lot but about half of those belong to Rivers' first pass and a 94 yard Kick return. And as much as I hate prevent, when you up three scores in the fourth I don't mind terribly giving up the underneath. It takes forever to score like that and those guys couldn't stop us all night without on onside kick, so let's cut the D some slack.

As for Tomlinson being out there injured late in the game, I hate to say it, but it sure seems as though he's less injured when he's happy and we're winning. Still, if that's what it takes to jumpstart him, I'll start dusting off the TBE label and get it ready to go for next week in Oakland.

Solid showing in a game we should have won by about that much. Go Bolts!!!

What's So Scary About Old People?

Brett Favre is an old man. Older even than me, and those of you who know me know that's pretty damn old. Are you scared of old people? Didn't think so. Check it out. Old:

Not scary. Young:

I am paralyzed with fear.

Sure, Favre carved us up last year with Green Bay-wait! Favre carve? That's funny to say. Say it out loud-no! Say "carve Favre." That's better. Say that. It's more funner to say. Try this, say "After Shaun Phillips sacks Favre, surgeons will half to carve Favre open to replace his hip with something more fiber glassy." Not that I wish injury on anybody, but old people break their hips and that is just a fact so deal with it. Anyway, as I was saying, I know Favre picked apart a defense of ours that looks very similar to what we've been running for whatever reason lately, but that Green Bay team was decidedly better than this Jets cast. So, that's what I think anyway. We must and will destroy the Jets. With surface to air missiles if necessary. The score should be around 34-9 I'm thinking. My Fantasy Football team depends on it! My Reality Football team depends on it! For crying out loud, Go Bolts!!!

So Here's A Fucking Question.

Do I like this song, or is it that my feeble mind ties it to the killer feelings the video gives me in my loinal regions?

Oh, right, football.

Ugh, if the Chargers lose Monday night I'm going to have to put on my pissed off hat. I imagine CJ will also have to dust off his pissed off hat, which is not the same as his apathy hat. The apathy hat is the one he wore all last year. The pissed off hat is the one he wore after the Patriots removed us from the playoffs two years ago. My pissed off hat is the one Philip Rivers made me wear early last season, but I don't take it out very often these days. If you go back in the archives you'll notice that we both used to predominantly wear our pissed off hats together and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It's my opinion that some of the best writing from both of us comes from under pissed off hats. As the Chargers flounder, the entertainment value and quality of our critique soars. Conundrum. Maybe I'll just wear this hat.


If Ted Cotrell doesn't start blitzing the quarterback I'm going to mail him some poo. Go Bolts!!!

KSK: Where The Healing Begins.

Marmalard meets Whistlin' Pete in a true classic.

For CJ, Who Could Use Some Cheer.

Megan Fox. In glasses. Merry Christmas.

That Was Rough.

Whoo, that did not sit well. I was ready to quit myself. Proclaimed it. Can't move on from something like that, I thought. Can't spend the season fighting the refs as well. Held my tongue for the most part all last week when I felt that Carolina's line held on nearly every play, including that last second game winner. This is different. Way different. What's to say, though? Done deal. A good team's season doesn't end at 0-2 and we're a good team. Well, we can be anyway, and I'll get to that.

The gambling theory is pretty cool. It sort of plays and it kind of let's us off the hook in a "what chance did we really have anyway" sort of way, but I'm not ready to throw Hochuli and Shanahan to Gamblers Anonymous. Sharks, maybe, but not GA. Mob jobs are rarely so intricately choreographed as that game. I'd blame the ghost of John Elway for the officiating as much as anything else. Denver wins home openers. The officials know it. The announcers know it. It's fucking destiny and that was our cross to bear. Shanahan going for two? Take a look at our D. Shanahan had to correctly figure that he had a slightly better chance of winning with two there than winning a coin toss. That wasn't a gutsy call, it was the right call.

What really chaps my hide is the lack of acknowledgment the initial calls received. Everybody's so busy justifying the justification for upholding the bad calls that no one is asking what these officials were looking at when they botched it in the first place. Bailey's interception? Horrible call, but all anybody talks about is the replay malfunction. Hochuli has been in the league forever and surely knows better than to blow that whistle in the fourth, yet the announcers and analysts are falling all over themselves to point out that Hochuli was right in not giving the ball to San Diego after his original goof. If Hochuli is officiating in the playoffs this season it will be a travesty, but it will happen because no one seems to be willing to point out that these officials were off their rocker yesterday.

One last thing on the Cutler fumble. Biased I may be here, but it seemed pretty clear to me the Hochuli did not blow the whistle until it was obvious that Dobbins was going to recover that ball instead of Cutler. Afraid to call a turnover in front of that crowd? That's what it looked like to me.

Couple other things:

1) Ted Cottrell is at it again. That game looked awfully reminiscent of last year's losses to Green Bay and KC. Teddy is expecting the secondary to cover for a solid 5-count on every play because he sure as hell isn't going to provide a pass rush like that. No movement. No disguise. No pass rush. It's not Shawne Merriman. He's missed, but that is not the reason that QBs have an eternity to pick us apart back there.

2) I will not be surprised if LT pulls a Barry Sanders after the season. I don't know if everybody questioning his heart and toughness after the AFC Championship last year is the reason, or if it's age, or bad play calling or whatever-but his head, heart and body do not appear to be in the game and that is a concern. Sproles looks great right now, but if he starts carrying a bigger load, teams are going to figure him out.

3) Philip Rivers and that offense are otherwise unbelievable right now. Who would have thought we'd be such a successful passing team. So much fun to watch. Too bad Rivers has a bogus INT on his stat sheet or he'd be perfect right now. Then they'd have to give him credit even if he did say mean things to that poor little diabetic boy who just loves football, Jay Cutler.

Fuck Jay Cutler, we're still winning this thing. Go Bolts!!!

The Fix...

What you just saw was a gambling fix. The NBA has had it perfected for a while. They actually finally busted a referee for fixing games as it was so obvious. Well, welcome the NFL to that corrupt realm.

You saw the game. You saw the garbage that went on. The replay booth doesn't work for Ed Hercules, but somehow, the 'upstairs' booth works with less than 2 minutes in the half and Brandon Marshall is in the end zone yet it needed to be reviewed. Chalk up a pick for Phil even though it wasn't a pick and if it was even remotely close to a turnover it would have been a fumble.

Needless to say that the Diabetic foible at the end was so clearly a fumble that I stated I'd quit football if they actually overturned that call. Turns out they did overturn it and now I'm obligated to quit.

And let's not forget that at game time, the Chargers were 1.5 point favorites. Think about that for a second. Shanahan went for two after the biggest lie that has ever been perpetrated by humanity. If he makes it, the Donks win by a point and anyone with the Donks wins money. If he misses, the Donks lose by a point and anyone with the Donks wins money. Overtime is nothing but his enemy, or well, anyone's enemy with money on the game. That was a fix. If you've never seen one before, welcome to the world of gambling. That was a fix. A game on the take.

I've got Hoculi's address and email. It's public if you google it. So go put a flaming bag of dog shit on his balcony and berate him verbally. I'm not advocating violence or shennanigans but he deserves to be blasted for so publicly revealing that he was on the take.

I QUIT. I Quit.

An Open Letter...

Dear T.J. Simers,

After reading your finest effort to date. I have just one thing to say to you.

Mr. Simers:

SUCK MY BALLS.

No really. Suh-huck meye BALLS.

If there's anyone who is going to put together some mash up of ideas that make no sense whatsoever while at the same time being ultra critical of our town, it's me. Not you bullshitface. You have no right.

Now I'm not here to say that we are the greatest town in the world, for years our city council has been nothing more than a laugh riot of an institution. Bruce Henderson and the Mike Aguirre have been haunting this city for far too many ages now pandering their personal agendas over the good of the people. And recently thanks to a media fueled catastrophe the good mayor has instituted a drinking ban further squelching our rights as a people. Now, obviously, none of those things are ideal or even debatable in this town as your rights are only yours as long as the legislators would like you to keep them, but he who cries loud enough wins and well, the media does a lot of crying around here. But you sir, if you are going to come slinging that kind of talk about my town, it sure as shit better be more accurate than that crap you submitted today. What, were you out on a marathon drinking binge down here in the Hillcrest? Did you wake up with sore love handles, a limp and some chafing you were unaccustomed to? Cause that column reeked of desparation with deadlines looming and nothing constructive to write about. "San Diego is a town filled with Losers." Really? From an L.A. columnist? I've got to say, I've got some issues with this...Quotes first...

T.J. Simers
September 9, 2008

"DINKY TOWN DOWN SOUTH -- What a treat for the small-town losers in San Diego, the local yokels saddled with bad football and baseball teams again, but catching a break finally and getting a glimpse of the Los Angeles Dodgers as they move toward yet another World Series title."

Dinky town down south? Small town losers? Local yokels saddled with bad football? Really? Was recess to short today Mr. Simers? Did somebody steal your pudding cup and pour it on your head? Last time I checked, the Chargers were hardly 'bad' and well, the Dodgers had a 1.5 game lead over Arizona in what it widely considered the worst division in baseball. What's it been since the Dodgers won a World Series? 20 years? Yeah, I know, the Padres have never won a World Series. Yeah, good at pointing out the obvious aren't we? "You suck cause you've never won and we're better than you even though it's been 20 years since we won shit! Take that!"

"No autographs, please, the boys are busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs against the Cubs, which explains why they really couldn't take the Padres seriously."

Remember this in a minute when I come back to it... And yes, I know Merriman pulled the plug on the season, there's really nothing more to say about it. That's what everyone wanted anyway right?

"As for Chargers fans, they are trying to decide if life is worth living, a question they seemingly have to contemplate every year." "All together now: "San Diego Super Chargers! "We're coming your way, we're gonna dazzle you with our super play. The time has come" to apparently fall flat on our face masks once again.

If only the yokels had what it takes to make it up north, and enjoy what the Dodgers, Angels, Lakers and Trojans have to offer. But I guess somebody has to live down here."

Uh, T.J.? Life is worth living. And yes, although our history dictates that we may in fact fall on our face masks yet once again, we do (for the time being) have a team to root for. What professional team represents L.A.? The Galaxy? That's football right? And what is this, about not being able to make it up North? What, with the ultra cool folks like her Poshness? We've already discussed what the perennial playoff missing Dodgers have to offer, let alone the Lakers who have been a dysfunctional soap opera employing an 'alleged' rapist, who repeatedly attempted to dismantle the team and its upper management, while losing their last two trips to the NBA finals, most recently to the Celtics who mopped the floor with them. Trojans? Didn't they lose to Texas in the Rose Bowl the last time they played for the National Championship? I guess the measure of success according to you T.J. is to rest on your laurels of historical success and thrive in times when they hand out the second place trophy and claim that as accomplishment. Didn't Vince Young recently go crazy? Didn't the Trojans lose to a crazy person, who scored a 6 on the Wonderlic? Hmmm, interesting...oh, and the Angels are in Anaheim dude. Don't try to claim them as L.A. even though the marketing gurus are trying to sell that name by the letter...

"The Chargers have been picked by some experts to win the Super Bowl, but the Spanos Goofs and their band of heartbreakers regularly fall shy of expectations, which might explain why the team was the only one unable to sell out the opener -- a TV station buying tickets so the game could be shown here locally."

As a result, everyone down here got the chance to watch their heroes fold, Carolina scoring on the last play, and the Chargers sport a worse winning percentage than the Padres, who are 32 games below. 500.

San Diego Super Chargers!"

This kind of professional journalism is really awesome. I admire your ability Mr. Simers to avoid any kind of reactionary judgement after you know, week 1 of the NFL Season. The Chargers were 1-3 last year before going to the AFC Championship game, but hey, you knew that. What place did the L.A. team finish in again?

"When everyone in the big city woke up Monday, the Dodgers and Angels were in first place. L.A. has USC, and San Diego has San Diego State, losers to Cal Poly SLO recently. L.A. has the Lakers, and San Diego still has the Clippers in their background. San Diego has a minor league outfit in the Padres and Norv Turner as Chargers coach, while the Dodgers are managed by the great Joe Torre and the media."

Again, I'll try to simplify this for you Mr. Simers, and if I had flash cards with diagrams I'd scan them and post them so you can follow along. The Dodgers are not good. They are two games over .500, in a division that even you admit has a 'minor league outfit' patrolling the basement. Obviously other division foes like the Rockies and the Giants are a tremendous hump in your success especially after 19 head to head games annually. Yet, two games over .500 is all your beloved Blue can manage, and if Joe Torre and the media were so great, why would they allow the mighty Dodgers to fail to prepare for such a cupcake like the Padres and lose a game to the basement dwellers in the middle of a division race? At the time of this posting, the Dodgers are again down 2-1 to the Padres. In the MIDDLLE OF A DIVISION RACE!!!! And I'm not even paying attention to that Angels crap anymore.

I'm SDSU alumni and I won't even defend that atrocity, but, they do try hard and nearly upset Notre Dame. USC cheats and finishes second. But hey, I want to focus on that bold part. Let me recap:

"San Diego still has the Clippers in their background."

Hey. Come on now T.J. Let's just get past the bullshit here okay? The Clippers have been an active failure in Los Angeles for nearing 28 years now. Once the Clips left town, the went to Los Angeles, not even Anaheim like the Angels, but truly Los Angeles. They share a venue with your almighty 2nd place Lakers, but somehow this is a reflection of San Diego sports history? When exactly Mr. Simers are you planning on taking ownership of the Clippers as Los Angeles' own? When they win? Is that it?

By your logic then you should be on the hook for the debacle of a football team that the Raiders trotted out on the field on Sunday night. They used to be an L.A. team, so therefore L.A. is responsible for that steaming Committment to Dogshit that's been and keeps festering in professional football stadiums since 2002. I guess you have to take credit for that wonderfully incompetant Rams squad that brings down property values in St. Louis as if that were further possible. The squad that went out and collected a total of 8 first downs and gagged up better than 500 yards to the Eagles? The 3-13 Rams from a year ago? Go check those two squads records dating back for a few years if you are going to hold that Clippers shit over our heads.

Now, I want to take this as an opportunity to point out that there did seem to be a touch of sarcasm in this column, but I believe that was to distract or diffuse the attention from your kindergarten like ranting. For shame that the L.A. Times would post something so juvenile with obviously so little thought into each and every word. You sir are a poor excuse for a journalist.

In closing I'd just like to say...

My Balls Mr. Simers. Fuck you. Suck my balls.



Sincerely,

CJ

UPDATE: It's since tied at 2. But who gives a shit. We're a cupcake. Fuck you.

Sources In Washington...

...are telling me that Shawne Merriman is done for the season. No confirmation yet.

Update: ESPN's blurb here. Mighty 1090 is confirming this now.

Fuck with Less F's...

Sorry to be the prick that pushes shit on down the page here, but as one of the announced 67,115 in the stands yesterday I feel like my two cents are worth at least a buck thirty seven right now. That and I've been far too quiet and passive throughout my promise to stop doing just that.

There were a few observations from yesterday that did not go unnoticed. First, the trolley is a trainfuck of an operation out here. If the subway system in that shit pit town on the other side of the country operates anything like the shit I was working with yesterday, load that Hebron Collider thing that's supposedly ending the world on Wednesday on a plane and turn it on in Times fucking Square. That bright red bloody dookie of a train running through Mission Valley is fucked cookies. Cattle being lead to slaughter have a better time and a classier ride that that.

Second, well, let's call it the second layer. From down numbering one, Wilhelm had his transmission jacked firmly in reverse. I have to say he is the most mobile linebacker these eyes have ever seen if you need somebody to attack a blocker moving backwards and make a tackle 13 yards down the field. If that was a valuable trait in a linebacker, he'd be Ray Lewis from his ultra-pro bowl years without all the murder. I refrained from texting my frustrations to fellow Bolters throughout the defensive atrocities out of respect for the guys during week 1, and the fact that I couldn't come up with enough accurate swear words to truly depict what I was seeing. Believe me, I've got the next level in my vocabulary to nearly get there, but it was week one and I wasn't feeling like pushing the ticker into the red zone just yet.

Third, adjustments. Here we are again. It's turning into a fucking shit word around here. The offense obviously got it mostly together the better part of the fourth quarter, but as was already mentioned, too little too late. The guys defending our end zone were absoulutely gassed on that last drive. Hey Offense! Those guys are mostly fat and mostly chased down those fucking turquoise wearing Nascar backwoods fucks all day. Give 'em a fucking break okay? Sweet fucking Christ.

Four, Shawne and Antonio. The walking wounded. Merriman looked okay in person. I didn't have the benefit (loosely used here) of commentary, but I heard he left before halftime with 'brace issues'. Not unlike the entirety of the defense, Shawne was rather ineffective. I think we got to that Cajun fucker twice and once was called back by a bullshit hold on Cromartie on the other side of the field and Crawfish Fucker wasn't even looking his way. That's what happens when you are averaging about 13 yards per carry to that point in the game. Antonio looked fine to me, running routes and catching the ball. Now he says he doesn't feel well. Rad. RAD.

LTD looked anxious. I counted at least three occasions of what I'll call a lack of patience and instead of letting his blockers get out in front of him, he just ran flat into them. The end result is the smaller 200+ pound guy getting knocked on his shitmaker by a 350 libber. That's fucking physics holmes.

Okay, time for the positives. Our seats were great, and gratis, and the beer was still quite reasonably priced all things considered. Better than the track and/or the manure pit that houses that infestation of smegma that doubles as the baseball team. The weather was great, and there was plenty of pregame eye candy as well. Unfortunately, our awesome front row end zone seats were at the end of the field where only one touchdown was scored all the day long. ONLY ONE TOUCHDOWN!! Can you guess which one?




If you look up you'll probably see me in all of my glorious disappointment in any photo of that last play. Rad. R*A*D. Except that one.

So. Week one is in the book. We lost. It sucks. It's not the end of the world. The Chefs still suck rocks through a tennis racket, and I'm sitting and watching the Raiders go on out and meet and/or exceed all expectations of them once again. I was completely unaware that all it takes to be an elite quarterback anymore is the proper amount of insulin and a case of the Raiders. Now don't get all crazy you fucking donkeys out there that may be reading this. Jamarcus Hustle has flat out dropped the ball in the face of a defender everyone, including Mike Ditka knew was blitzing after being completely untouched. And everyone knows Ditka is off his medication and may be in a dead heat with Madden at this point for having no idea what's going on. So, Raider football is yet again in full swing. That should make next week so much more invigorating should the boys get their shit together. Somebody go swap that insulin out for some low grade Tijuana black tar or something like that...

Better picture to make up for that last one...





That's Jennifer. From her bio:

"Every year her family enjoys gathering at her Irish Grandma's house for a traditional St. Patrick's Day celebration with authentic Irish cuisine. Jennifer is currently finishing her degree in Psychology and teaching dance classes for preschool and elementary age children. She loves dancing, working with children and has a strong passion for the culinary arts. She plans on attending culinary school to become a chef."

See, she cooks, didn't know that did you? Totally want to do her more now huh? You're welcome.

Ffffffffffffffffuck.

That did not go as awesome as I had hoped it would. I hope none of the other teams we play were watching that game because the Panthers exposed our squishy center. You know, like that gum that squirts juice in your mouth when you bite into it? I hate that gum. It makes me feel like a gay guy. Anyway, some things that ran through my mind during the game:

1) Hmm, Matt Wilhelm still sucks. Weird. And Derek Smith is nearly as sucky. The next three weeks without Stephen Cooper might be an eternity. And that only solves half the problem. I wonder if Steve Foley is over that nasty case of bullets that took him out a couple years back. We should give him a call. See what's up.

2) Tomlinson could do with a couple snaps in the preseason. Not a terrible day, but he never really got loose.

3) Speaking of the offense, by the end of the game I was happy enough with their effort. Is it only me, though, or does it seem like I've seen that before. You know, where the offense suddenly seems to realize they've been piss poor long enough and that it's time to put something together? Let's see 60 minutes. The time of possession disparity killed our D.

4) Speaking once again of D, we did manage to keep the Panthers' offense out of the endzone for 59:58. So close.

5) Our corners are the only players on the team that can make a tackle without loads of help. Even the new guy, Cason, who forced a solid fumble for our only turnover of the game looked good.

6) Speaking of turnovers, somebody get Clinton Hart some stick'em.

All in all, I'm not ready to panic yet. Week 1 is like that. Did you see what Kyle Orton's Bears did to Peyton Manning's Colts last night? And at least we're not that one team with that one dude you may have heard of who may not be too kneetastic for the season. And maybe, just maybe, the Panthers are finally actually back. Anything's possible. Here's some storylines coming up that I'm already sick of.

1) Shawne Merriman going to the locker room after taking that chop block. Obviously he's not 100% and needs to shut it down now before he suffers an injury like...drumroll...Tom Brady! Bullshit. They're going to obviously be tentative with Merriman, but Carolina just kind of had our entire pass rush solved most of the day.

2) Did the Chargers let go of the wrong back this offseason? Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I'm happy for Turner and I had no doubt he'd be good, but let's not forget that that was Detroit he gashed for 220. Of course, after yesterday I'm really not looking forward to his homecoming.

3) Brady's knee. Ha. Just kidding, I'm not sick of that at all. There is a small part of me, though, that would like to see Cassell succeed, if just for the fact that it would throw Brady's greatness into question. I've long held that while Brady is a very good QB, there are a lot of guys who could thrive with that line and those weapons.

So, that's it. Week 1 pretty much over outside of an interesting NFC match-up tonight followed by a contest between two pretty suspect squads to determine sole possession of first place in their division. Ugh. At least we're not the Rams. Seriously, though, we're not cooked by a longshot. Go Bolts!!!